greg: yes, it s friday and you know what that means, huh? i really have to go to the bathroom. but i m not. i m going to wait until it s over. let s welcome tonight s guests. this early bird sure is special, fox and friends first cohost carley shimkus! [cheers and applause] greg: believe it or not, he s the only guy on the show tonight named hotep, youtube host hotep jesus! [cheers and applause]. greg: he looks like the guy who came to cut down your trees. comedian jim florentine! [cheers and applause] greg: and, finally, she s the first author to weigh less than her book, fox news contributor kat timpf! [cheers and applause] greg: all right. yeah, lively bunch tonight. okay, before we get to some new stories it s friday. so let s do this. greg leftovers. greg: yeah, it s leftovers where i read the jokes we didn t use this week and as always it s my first time reading these, so if they suck we ll just chemically castrate joe mackey. not that it would make a
[cheers and applause] greg: yes! yes! yes, indeed! ha ha ha ha! happy monday, everybody. so imagine you have a big guard dog to keep an eye on your home and you depend on the dog to keep your family safe in a tough neighborhood. now imagine the dog disappears for four days. would you notice? if the answer is yes, then you re normal. if the answer is no, you re joe biden. [laughter] greg: because how the hell did he not know his secretary of defense was missing for four full days. it s not like he s hunter on a crack binge only shoaling up to ask for more cash for meth and antibiotics. this is the secretary of defense. in case you missed it and the white house hopes the world did lloyd austin was admitted to a hospital. we wish him a speedy recovery for whatever it is. knowing the military now, i hope he s not pregnant. but the fact that we don t know what the problem is, that s the problem. shouldn t the american people be told when our top defense officials in the icu
greg: we re going to have a good time. yes, yes, keep going. don t stop you bastards. all right. thank you. happy, happy new year, everyone. wow. it s been quite a year, cue the nexio. 2024 a look back. greg:. greg: it s been some year that 2024. it went so fast. so let s look back, shall we? well, first there s this from last year s new year s eve. i m not a part of the maga agenda greg: i didn t know green day tribute bands were a thing and they all and to be middle-aged lesbians. you go girls. anyway if there s one thing we learned about 2024 is these so-called punks are about as punk as brit hume in leather khakis. the real rebels don t mimic the establishment they threaten it like trump or vivek or yes even me. fact is billy joe armstrong is about as rebellious at your 401-k. hell, barbie has more balls than him. of course that same night joe had to be reminded of his favorite foot. i m curious, what sort of holiday foods have you been enjoying the last s
[cheers and applause] greg: yes! happy monday, more like happy fun day. i just invented that word. so friday the daily caller obtained video of an employee having anal sex inside a judiciary committee hearing room. oh, applause, thank you. pro anal sex in the senate judiciary room audience. we don t have access to the video so we had gene one of our producers sketch a screen grab. there you go. yeah, talk about yielding the floor to the next gentlemen. after the story broke democrat senator ben cardin s office released this statement quote, aidan may is no longer employed by the us senate. good thing his id badge had the picture of the back of his head. security forces tell fox news that capitol police are taking the matter seriously and charges haven t been ruled out. now, either this was a rare event or maybe this career s secret santa gift exchange got way out of hand. but where else can you get paid to have sex in the workplace with a free colonoscopy? only in dc are th
[cheers and applause] greg: yes, yes, yes! happy tuesday everybody. so really it seems 2023 is the year of the protester. they seem to be everywhere blocking traffic, closing bridges, chanting at train stations. but the joke s on them. i travel only by helicopter. but, oh, how they love to delay transportation. who do they think they are, mayor pete? idiots are throwing tomato soup on paintings and super gluing themselves to the wall. remember that knucklehead who glued his hand to a starbucks counter to protest the price of-milk? when they called his name he couldn t get his own coffee. what is it about super glue anyway? it should only have one purposes and that s sniffing. the more disruptive the more the imba sills embrace it even if it hurts their cause. what drives these clowns to protest? well, besides their mom. they simply alienate rather than raise awareness. do you think this helps anyone? [screams] imagine that! [screams] i hate this! i m killing it. i m k