greg: yes, it s friday and you know what that means, huh? i really have to go to the bathroom. but i m not. i m going to wait until it s over. let s welcome tonight s guests. this early bird sure is special, fox and friends first cohost carley shimkus! [cheers and applause] greg: believe it or not, he s the only guy on the show tonight named hotep, youtube host hotep jesus! [cheers and applause]. greg: he looks like the guy who came to cut down your trees. comedian jim florentine! [cheers and applause] greg: and, finally, she s the first author to weigh less than her book, fox news contributor kat timpf! [cheers and applause] greg: all right. yeah, lively bunch tonight. okay, before we get to some new stories it s friday. so let s do this. greg leftovers. greg: yeah, it s leftovers where i read the jokes we didn t use this week and as always it s my first time reading these, so if they suck we ll just chemically castrate joe mackey. not that it would make a
landscaper. jim: i would do it just for the and the, because i wanted to get tan in the summer so i figured i could get paid and be in the sun at the same time and my hair would turn blond because i was in the sun, it would help me get laid so that s why i did it. greg: i just feel like i ve known you all my life. carley. carley: but that s like very true jim: oh, yeah. because i go up two notches on a scale of 1-10 when i have a tan. i do. whenever someone thinks i am i m always two notches better with a tan. greg: it somehow means you have more money because you re outside more. the tan always says i don t make you work. carley: and it makes you thinner. greg: does it? yeah. carley: i was a waitress at applebee s. i was not a good waitress. greg: all hot chicks say that. right? kat: i was the worst waitress in the world so i must be beautiful. carley: wait, there was a compliment in there and i
always have lots and lots of people who do know whose it is because cocaine is not really a drug that makes you not talk. greg: yeah kat: this person does so much blow that they re bringing it to work? this person does a lot of blow. they re not like, they re not not telling hundreds of people. greg: yeah kat: they don t know how to shut up because they re doing cocaine. greg: in fact that s a great strategy for the secret service bring everybody in and just give them coke and then you interrogate them. what do you think? give them coke. carley: get to the bottom of it. greg: it is a truth senior um, an exaggeration of a truth serum. not that i would know. you re not going to answer me? kat: should cops give people coke and interrogate them? greg: yes, serious question kat: i guess if they ask for
last friday, the dutch, the dutch government collapsed. this after they couldn t agree on splitting a check for lunch. i know, it s stupid, but should i explain it for people who are under 40 what dutch used to mean. you know what it means, kat. [laughter]. greg: a new jersey couple stole $91,000 from a youth soccer club to pay for a trip to disney world. yeah, like 91 grand would cover it. [laughter] greg: after an e learning i can reaction to smoking while on anti biotics an ohio man s tongue turned green and hairy. doctors say they haven t seen a tongue this green since ms piggy and kermit went to third base. yeah. where do you think her hand is
shhh. hotep: these progressives tell on themselves because they live in this world of elitism but she s right because you have to be smart to receive these indoctrination of these colleges of marxism. when you re dumb like me, you re like, oh, this stuff doesn t make any sense. greg: kat, you have nobody s watching but maybe that one guy kat: i hope you re watching if you use the bathroom in studio d i m done with you. and actually you re pissed more specifically. this person in the bathroom used it, peed on the toilet seat left it up and walked out. who are you that you just walk into an office bathroom and piss all over the place like this is fine. greg: which show was it kat: it s not fine or okay, i m done cleaning up after you and i m going to start exposing you to other people. and if you think that s disgusting you re disgusting. i m done cleaning up your piss. jim: kat, i m sorry