And thanks to gerrymandering, four republicans [ light laughter ] President Trumps Reelection Campaign displayed an aerial banner in houston today ahead of tonights third democratic debate, and honestly trump has got to give it a rest. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause the u. S. Patent office has announced that it denied a request from the Ohio State University to trademark the word the for use by the schools athletic department. And to really rub it in, they signed it off from the u. S. Patent office. [ laughter and applause according according to reports, members of the House Judiciary Committee have begun privately mapping out a possible list of charges against President Trump that could serve as a basis for impeachment though it might be easier to beke a list of why he shouldnt [ audience oohs [ applause ] House Speaker nancy pelosi said today that democrats are still following a strategy of, quote, legislate, investigate, litigate. Well, i hope they dont hesitate because its gett
[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. Hello. [ cheers and applause wow. Thats very nice thank you. Thank you very, very much. Please, please welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the tonight show. Youre here, you made it thank you for being here you look good. [ cheers and applause you guys, we got a great show. Jennifer garner is here tonight. [ cheers and applause steve oh jimmy Jim Jefferies is here [ cheers and applause and weve got music from Megan Thee Stallion. [ cheers and applause oh, my goodness. She is huge right now with her hit hot girl summer. [ cheers ] although after seeing joe biden and Bernie Sanders at tonights debate, it feels more like old man fall. [ laughter ] tonight was the third democratic debate, and i read that the candidates were all warned not to swear during the debate and it got weird when bernie was like, and what about nudity . [ laughter ] yeah, tonight was the third democratic debate and i heard that the candidate
[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh my goodness, thank you very much, i love you oh, i love you please have a seat thank you very much. I love you welcome, relax, enjoy yourself welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Thank you so much for being here thank you for watching at home you guys [ cheers and applause im very excited about this. It chapter 2 comes out this weekend. [ cheers ] when they heard that, actual clowns were like, oh, come on i was just starting to get work again. I mean come on [ laughter ] lets get to some news here. I read that President Trump promised that if hes reelected, hell build 500 miles of border wall yep, and if hes not reelected hell just draw a wall with a sharpie. [ laughter ] but this is odd. [ light laughter ] i didnt do it. Thats the way the wall was. [ laughter ] but this is odd right here, the Trump Administration Just Announced that theyre rolling back efficiency standards for lightbulbs it was a confusi
[ light laughter ] probrexit politician Boris Johnson was officially elected today to become the uks next prime minister. Great. In 70 years, the uk has gone from Winston Churchill to a roady for spinal tap [ light laughter ] President Trump continued his attacks on minority congresswomen today tweeting the quote, aoc plus three are a nightmare for america. Although technically for trump, anything that involves math is a nightmare. [ laughter and applause aoc plus three, how do you how do you add letters to a number . Several bars in washington, d. C. Will open early tomorrow so people can watch special counsel Robert Muellers congressional testimony. So by dinnertime, youll be just like the mueller report, mostly blacked out. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new poll, despite senator Elizabeth Warren having a 67 approval rating, just 4 of voters say they see her as likable. Now, lets see what happens when we change her name to Warren Elizabeth oh [ laughter ] okay thats very i
For example, me, im on a diet also me, ketchup is a vegetable, right oh, right so like, me, my tv show carnival row is out now. Also me, my movie the outpost is coming out soon jimmy no, no, no more like me, uh the summer is too hot. Also me, uh the winter is too cold ah, right so me, i played the sexy elf in lord of the rings. Also me, i played the sexy pirate in pirates of the caribbean right jimmy no me, im a sophisticated, mature adult. Also me, i wish they showed saturday morning cartoons all of the other days and times too. Me, im engaged to katy perry also me, katy perry is beautiful, and i love her. Jimmy me, i hate it when people are inconsiderate at the workplace. Also me, does anybody mind if i reheat my fish in the microwave . Me, im a goodwill ambassador for the Charity Organization unicef. Also me, unicef does important work in over 190 countries to save the lives of children jimmy no, no, no, no, no look its me, im trying to look at my phone less. Also me, oh look, i jus