And it was fine, i guess but it did kind of feel like when your fun aunt goes home and youre left with your Boring Family again [ laughter ] aww. Aunt marianne lets us finger paint on the wall [ laughter ] Entrepreneur Andrew Yang used his Opening Statement tonight to differentiate himself from President Trump saying, quote, the opposite of donald trump is an asian man who likes math. [ laughter ] which is a great point but i actually think the opposite of trump would be a black guy who is a good president. [ laughter ] there you go [ cheers and applause didnt know where you guys were going to land on that one. [ laughter ] according to a debate coach on cnn, senator Bernie Sanders got a bplus for his performance last night, which he was perfectly happy with the last thing i want is for my grade to be in the top 1 [ laughter ] bplus [ applause ] according to the final numbers, author Marianne Williamson was the most searched for candidate after last nights debate. Which is silly you do
[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you please, have a seat. Enjoy yourselves welcome, everybody welcome to the tonight show. [ cheers and applause youre here. You made it. Give it up for the roots, while youre at it come on. [ cheers and applause the best band in late night. Well, you guys, this sunday is fathers day is everyone excited . [ cheers and applause of course you are. I love fathers day. Its that special day each year where you call up your dad, and t a few one word answers and then go, well, good talking to you. All right, bye. [ light laughter ] but you got to call your dad on fathers day, mainly because he has no idea how to text. You know [ light laughter ] this probably wont surprise you, but i read that americans spend 40 less on fathers day than they do on mothers day [ audience ohs ] i cant believe its that close. [ laughter ] on mothers day, you do flowers, brunch, jewelry fathers day, its an air freshener from 7eleven.
I wonder who has a better chance at taking down president trump, Bernie Sanders or colonel sanders. Robert mueller appeared in congress for nearly seven hours for q a, more q than a. Mueller is a marine, earned a purple heart. And he is a lifelong republican who spent the day being abused by his party. At one point, melania had to come in and tell them to be best. Republicans were very eager to poke holes in any part of mueller they possibly could to distract us from the crimes our president committed. Fox news went so far to bring in a body language expert to suggest mueller wasnt being entirely forthcoming. He holds his fingers together and his tongue juts out. Number one, when you keep your hands like this you are showing restraint. When you stick your tongue out, youre saying to someone, i dont like whats coming out. Im not happy with this. So hands restrained. Hes holding eye contact, not moving. And then you see that tiny tongue jut, and you realize, this a man trying to hold thi
Had been altered using a sharpie to include alabama [ laughter ] look at this i mean, after this, i have to wonder if his High School Report Card was legit [ laughter ] following criticism that he opted to stay at a trump property in ireland 200 miles away from his meetings in dublin, Vice President mike pence today changed his story to claim that the travel arrangements were made to keep him close to his familys ancestral homeland which is weird because i thought this was his ancestral homeland. [ laughter ] Vice President mike pence visited iceland today. Said betsy devos, its pronounced island. [ laughter ] the New York Times has published a new profile on democratic president ial hopeful Marianne Williamson in which she says she wants to attack President Trump in his third eye. Yelled trump, not my butthole [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you for clapping [ laughter ] new york mayor bill de blasio said in a new interview that if he cannot qualify for the october debates it will be,
[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Wow, thank you very much please, have a seat. Welcome. Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it youre here. [ cheers and applause you made it. Thank you. You guys, we have Ashton Kutcher on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause iteen a ird few years for ashton people keep waiting for him to pop out of the white house and yell, you just got punkd sorry [ laughter ] so glad youre all here with me tonight. Theres a lot going on right now. It is fashion week here in new york city. [ cheers and applause yeah you can tell its fashion week because earlier today i watched a rat eat the cheese off a a pizza and toss away the he was like, no carbs no carbs this week [ laughter ] no carbs. A lot of interesting clothing comes out during fashion week. I saw that neimanmarcus just unveiled a pair of jeans for 462 take a look at these things. [ laughter ] thats real. Thats real. Thats real. Thats the travolta fit. One