Run for mayor of dildo. They dont have a mayor. They dont seem to want a mayor because theyre not having an election for mayor. But local polls show me leading 5248. Bad news is i am leading no one by 4 . I dispatched an advance team. They went 4,000 miles and led by close and mosttrusted adviser guillermo, we will hear from him in dildo moments from now. This is the time of year when we offer people walking past our studio the floppertunity to take their clothes off. We have a pool in the back of our theater. Memories are just waiting to be made. This is the 14th summer, 14 years ago, a mysterious voice told me, if you build it, they will flop. And we did. Lets go to cousin sal, sal, by the way, i want to mention, [cheers and applause] has his own show on fox sports 1 called lock it in, a sports gambling show. Theyll probably cancel it. Jimmy your gambling problem paid off in a big way. Have you found someone on the street we can bet on . I have. Lets bet on some bellies. Jimmy very g
Jimmy thank you very much. Wow thank you very much, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you very much, everybody give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause please have a seat welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show everybody guys, it is the weekend and this sunday is the indianapolis 500. So between Memorial Day Travel and the indy 500, its a great time for people who love being stuck in the car [ laughter and applause thats right, its memorial day weekend. And i read that veterans and Service Members can get discounts at Outback Steakhouse [ light laughter ] cause nothing says thank you for putting your life on the line like 10 off a bloomin onion. [ laughter and applause this isnt good. The department of agriculture just recalled over 60,000 pounds of raw beef, due to concerns about ecoli anyway, enjoy those memorial day bbqs, everybody [ laughter and applause have a great one lets get to some news here. Today, President Trump left for a
Plenty of cash Business Optimism is at an alltime high. And then the mayor from jaws tweeted, beach is open. No sharks in sight. [ laughter ] former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper announced today he is dropping out of the president ial race and released a three minute video thanking his supporters by name. [ laughter ] jeff, i really got to thank you, jeff. [ laughter ] you were there for us at each one of those polls. Former president barack obama has shared his Summer Reading list coming in at number one, how to tell your friend youre not endorsing him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause according to reports, allies of former Vice President joe biden have suggested changing his schedule so he has fewer events in an effort to minimize the number of gaffes hes making in speeches where as in the white house, theyre pretty much screwed after 5 00 a. M [ laughter ] president ial hopeful congressman tim ryan held a fundraiser in new york this week that included a yoga class and a brea
Jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness thank you very much welcome. [ cheers and applause oh, have a seat. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to welcome to the tonight show. [ cheers and applause thank you for being here guys, this is very exciting. Tonight was the season premier of bachelor in paradise. [ cheers and applause owwoo its for everyone who watched the bachelorette and thought, well, its a little too classy for me. I think i want to [ laughter ] thats right bachelor in paradise is here its the show thats got way too much alcohol and not nearly enough chlorine. [ light laughter ] the cast includes caelynn, dean, and clay meanwhile luke p. Wasnt invited, but you know hes going to show up anyway, right [ laughter ] it was a big night on tv abc had bachelor in paradise, cbs had love island. And here on nbc it was chicago orgy. Steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy this isnt good. Over the weekend, Senate Majority leader Mitch Mcconnell tripped at his h
[ laughter ] the New York Times is reporting the former Vice President joe biden is trying to reduce his number of gaffes by using a teleprompter for speeches unfortunately, hes already been caught on camera massaging it. [ light laughter ] the Trump Administration has annostarting in october, immigrants applying for a green card will be subject to a wealth test it will look Something Like this [ audience ohs ] according to fact checkers, President Trump has called someone good looking or great looking in speeches or tweets 35 times since he took office, and still, no ones said it back [ laughter ] youre very good looking. Thank you. [ laughter ] do you have anything youd like to add . Goodbye [ laughter ] officials at Hong Kong International airport suspended flights for the second day in a row after political protesters took over the terminal, and laguardia suspended flights after a rat was seen working at cinnabon [ laughter ] officials at a Wildlife Rehabilitation Center in arkansa