Jimmy thank you very much. Wow thank you very much, everybody [ cheers and applause thank you very much, everybody give it up for the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause please have a seat welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show everybody guys, it is the weekend and this sunday is the indianapolis 500. So between Memorial Day Travel and the indy 500, its a great time for people who love being stuck in the car [ laughter and applause thats right, its memorial day weekend. And i read that veterans and Service Members can get discounts at Outback Steakhouse [ light laughter ] cause nothing says thank you for putting your life on the line like 10 off a bloomin onion. [ laughter and applause this isnt good. The department of agriculture just recalled over 60,000 pounds of raw beef, due to concerns about ecoli anyway, enjoy those memorial day bbqs, everybody [ laughter and applause have a great one lets get to some news here. Today, President Trump left for a state visit to japan, then next week, hes also [ audience member applauds ] [ laughter ] steve all right, bloomin onion. [ laughter ] jimmy President Trump left for a state visit to japan and then next week hes also traveling to the u. K trumps nervous. He was like, first i have to learn japanese, now i have to learn english . [ laughter and applause who is making my schedule . [ cheers and applause meanwhile, the race for 2020 is underway and i saw that walmart invited Bernie Sanders to its annual Shareholders Meeting this is very nice. Walmart told bernie, if he doesnt win, theyre going to hire him as a greeter. [ laughter and applause welcome to walmart my name is bernie heres some sports news. I heard that the nfl might start allowing players to smoke marijuana. [ audience ohs ] in response, nfl players were like, cool, we cant wait to try weed for the very first time. [ laughter and applause get this, officials in the u. K say [ baby crying oh guys, you hear that its the news. Its been so worked up lately, that it must be still awake. If its cool with you guys, id just like to take a moment to put the news to bed. Its time for goodnight news. [ cheers and applause good night news good night new good night jimmy lets see if we can put this news to bed [ light laughter ] good night, 23 democrats now in the race like so and so, that other guy and, of course, whats his face [ laughter and applause good night indy 500. Ive never been so impressed, with someone whos job is to keep turning left. [ laughter and applause good night senior prom, stick your head out the window now put it back in and throw up in the limo. [ laughter and applause good night game of thrones, we have a new king he goes by the name of sir poland spring. [ laughter and applause good night billionaire paying off an entire classs student debt or as last years class put it, oh, man, what the f . [ laughter and applause good night bachelorette, the fun televised game wish i knew who to root for, but they all look the same [ laughter and applause and finally, good night aladdin. You were granted three wishes, and now that youre rich, its a whole new world bitches. [ cheers and applause good night news. [ cheers and applause good night news good night new good night [ cheers and applause jimmy hey, guys, its graduation season, and that means people are shopping for that perfect card for their graduate and while there are some great cards there are also some very unpopular ones that you should avoid. Ill show you what i mean. For instance, this first card says, good luck. Open it up, it says, paying your own cell phone bill. [ laughter and applause graduation card. Steve come on. Jimmy this card says, congrats grad, you just made your 68yearold dad carry an ikea couch down five flights of stairs. [ laughter and applause and finally, this card says, remember if at first you dont succeed, theres always running for president. There you guys have it [ cheers and applause finally, guys, its time for a show of hands. This is where we show what politicians are really doing with their hands while we think that theyre focused on giving speeches enjoy. [ cheers and applause i also believed that its turned out to be an asset that i come from a different generation i maybe dont look the part, in terms of having quite as many silver hairs as you would expect a president ial candidate to have. But at the same time, it says if that if you are a lower income Senior Citizen [ laughter ] you will not be able to get the one nutritious meal a day you now receive through the meals on Wheels Program for the help you desperately need my grandfather finnegan said, he used to say, joey, youre labor from belt buckles and shoe sole. Thats how he was raised [ laughter ] and theres no labor leaders done a better job. And mike, were in there working hard, right . And were getting it done. Like very few have gotten it done before. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause were doing really well as a a country. Jimmy did you guys see this yesterday at a white house event, President Trump tried to say the word inconvenient. But he had a little trouble saying it. Just check this out. And then respectfully said, sorry to inconvenesh inconvenience you, and left the room [ laughter and applause jimmy incon anyways, we notice trump has trouble pronouncing things all the time so with that in mind, its time to play, talk like trump. Here we go [ cheers and applause talk like trump talk like trump jimmy so heres how this works. Im going to see if anyone can guess how the president is going to mispronounce a simple word if you get it right, you get a a prize. If you get it wrong, you still get a prize. [ light laughter ] all right, raise your hand if you want to play talk like trump. [ cheers and applause right in the front right in the front, right here stand up, buddy. Hey, how you doing im good, how are you jimmy good you almost held it, but all right. [ light laughter ] no, go for it. Yeah, its you, all you. Whats your name my names kyle. Jimmy kyle, where are you from im from new jersey jimmy yeah, thats what im talking about. [ cheers and applause welcome. We love new jersey, thank you, buddy. I love it too jimmy in this first clip, President Trump is going to say the word nascar. Okay. Jimmy how is he going to mispronounce nascar . All right, im just going to say mascar [ light laughter ] mascar jimmy mascar mascar. Jimmy mascar mascar. [ light laughter ] is he going to say mascar . Lets see what he said at the end of his championship race, joey celebrated by placing little hudson inside of the very nascare [ laughter ] jimmy nascare. [ buzzer ] [ fog horn ] [ applause ] very close nascare. Theres your nascare tshirt thank you so much for playing. [ cheers and applause very close who wants to play talk like trump . Yeah, hey. Get up hi hi. Jimmy whats your name rachel. Jimmy rachel, where are you from georgia jimmy rachel from georgia, welcome. Our next clip is very simple trump tries to say the word factory. Okay how do you think hell mispronounce factory fafafactry. [ laughter ] jimmy factry factry. Jimmy fafafafactry. All right, its almost like a max headroom, southern max headroom a fafafafactry. [ laughter ] lets see if trump says fafafactry people take 10, 15, 20 years to get this approved through a a fractory they go in for a [ buzzer ] jimmy very close fractory well, heres your tshirt anyways. Thank you for playing. [ cheers and applause appreciate it. Somebody up here hey, bud how you doing . Lets see, here. Hold that. Whats your name, where are you from im gary and im from new jersey as well jimmy gosh, big new jersey in the crowd i love it. [ cheers and applause i love jersey. In our final clip, trump tries to say natural gas how do you think hell mispronounce natural gas nurture girls nurture girls. [ laughter ] jimmy wow nurture girls. By the way, thats the band we have booked for next week. We have nurture girls. [ laughter ] they havent gotten together in years. Lets see what he says will he say nurture girls . This quarter, the United States produced record amounts of oil and national gah. I will tell you. [ buzzer ] jimmy he said national gah he said national gah there your national gah tshirt. [ fog horn ] [ cheers and applause thank you, jimmy. Jimmy thank you very much for playing. National gah that was talk like trump. Thanks to all of our players well be right back with more of the tonight show. [ cheers and applause wireless is full of awards. Number one in Overall Network performance. 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[ cheers and applause announcer from the breathtaking pool deck of his miami mansion, paulo montenegro presents legends. [ cheers and applause jimmy good afternoon, and welcome to legends. I am paulo montenegro, proprietor of this 2,000 acre estate, and owner of the hundreds of wellbehaved zoo animals that roam here amongst my butlers, chefs, and tennis court ball boys. [ laughter ] but my many fortunes and accomplishments amount to nothing more than the stench of a wandering drifter when compared to this man this man, who is a gift to the human race so please join me in welcoming my guest, my dear friend, and a true legend mr. Armando gabrielle gabriellm. [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, gabrielle. Armando. Hey [ laughter ] jimmy armando. Its so good to see you. Yes, please the good to see you is all mine jimmy i offer you my finest woven pool chair i graciously accept your cushion masterpiece. [ laughter ] ah jimmy ah ha ha ha. Jimmy but first, let me get this off my chest. What . Jimmy i am so deeply unworthy of sitting inches away from a legend such as yourself no. No, my friend. You are the legend come on. Jimmy but how could i possibly be the legend when the person who befalls my underserving gaze is the true legend listen to me one time only. The only way you could be looking at the legend is if i were holding up a mirror so you could see your own reflection. [ laughter ] yeah, there you go jimmy put that away. Ah, come on ha ha ha ha. Jimmy however magnificent your mirrors design and craftsmanship may be, one of the two people here one of them is a legend, and the other is me. No no [ laughter ] the legend is you. Okay youve conquered empires you tame beasts. You swam across the Atlantic Ocean using nothing but a yacht. You are the legend [ laughter ] jimmy but you once crawled through the desert for eight straight years, arrived in las vegas, and won 600 at the Jerry Maguire slot machine, which you spent on front row seats to criss angel mindfreak. [ laughter ] you are the legend all right i hear you you have taught babies to grow and roosters to crow you have jet skied with a dolphin with his flippers holding your muffin top all the way to Club Latitude [ laughter ] jimmy i hold not even the most scented of candles to your generosity you donated your testicles to the smithsonian and refused to sign for the package when they sent them back [ laughter ] ah, this is true. But you won 1,500 tickets at chuck e. Cheese. But instead of spending it on a dartboard, you gave your tickets to a little boy. And that boy grew up to be a a man. And that mans name is george stephanopoulos. [ laughter ] jimmy you once slipped a a note under your neighbors door asking them to keep it down, but were able to straddle the line between passive aggressive and straight up rude, so they still like you [ laughter ] you once took a shower on an airplane and you were not in first class and there was no shower [ laughter ] jimmy i must toast to a legend i have no choice but to do the same jimmy sergio [ claps [ laughter and applause please. Mr. Montenegro mr. Gabriellemente i beg you to take the wine from this tray, for in your presence i am but a smudge of sweat on the ball sack of an elderly tennis instructor [ laughter ] as he unwinds in the sauna of the Fort Lauderdale marriott harbor beach resort and spa. [ laughter ] his sack, as we know, is asymmetrical and i must tell you, i reside on the droopier half when standing in the midst of such legends jimmy Sergio Sergio dial it down maybe 18 to 20 yes, i shall give you 19 [ cheers and applause both a toast to the legend jinx [ laughter ] jimmy you are the legend when you rent a car, you figure out where the windshield wipers are on the first try [ laughter ] you eat coal and poop diamonds jimmy you eat skittles and poop rainbows. [ laughter ] you eat raisins and poop grapes jimmy you eat poop and poop food, then you eat that food and poop poop. [ laughter ] you are a legend i am not a legend it is not i. Jimmy you are the legend it is you you are the legend ah jimmy well, my producer mark is giving me the wrap it up signal, so i am ashamed to say all right jimmy we must wrap it up yes jimmy but not before i sing say goodbye jimmy the song of the legend yes you are a legen and i do not deserve to sing with you no you are the legend and i should be spanke for even being near you legen legend legend legend legen legend legend legend e [ cheers and applause jimmy see you next week on legends. [ cheers and applause wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. And whenever youre craving it. Doordash has the restaurants you want. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. The most restaurants across america. First order, 0 delivery fee. Stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest stars in the secret life of pets 2, which opens in theaters june 7th please welcome, the one and only, dana carvey. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy dana, no i told maria that i would not get goofy. Jimmy dana, no you get me goofy. Jimmy dana, we have to get oh, my god, i just want to let go of that sketch. Jimmy we just have to let [ light laughter ] we have to we have to get goofy we have to get goofy. Jimmy we have to get [ speaking fake Foreign Language ] jimmy you come on, you get goofy on me. [ speaking fake Foreign Language ] ad lib . [ speaking fake Foreign Language ] im doing a recap of the last sketch. [ laughter ] to people tuning in jimmy that you for doing legends with two legends, dana carvey and robert smigel. That was the silliest thing ive ever done [ laughter ] that was the craziest ive ever done jimmy ill tell you what made me laugh, i was so psyched to see you, i saw you at the oscars with mike meyers. I know, isnt that cool jimmy were you nervous at all . I was i didnt if i said, look if im going to the academy awards, its been 27 years, so i would be like a a hundred the next time id be invited. So i got a tuxedo that was many of thousands of dollars. I said, i just want to look like clooney they kept going, really . Yep, clooney. And then i got the bill, i go, oh, thats a clooney. [ laughter ] jimmy did you have good seats . I was in the Third Row Center freakily i was right behind mike, and i was right there seeing Bradley Cooper singing with gaga it was really a trip because i had such a viewpoint i saw bradley really get set on the stool. And he starts his first line how you doing girl you know and he hits it pretty good [ light laughter ] i know, i can sing what can i tell you . [ laughter ] so then they go around the piano and i had such a birdeye view of their whole relationship because theyre going in the shallo yeah yeah yeah and like her hand is on the piano key and i didnt know where her other hand was but i had a view and i aint saying nothing to nobody. [ laughter ] it stays here. [ cheers and applause jimmy but when youre up there with mike and it works, do you ever think to yourself, oh, we could probably do a third waynes world . Um, okay. [ cheers and applause i dont know how it would work i mean, theyd be a little older now. It might be kind of pathetic hey wayne, pull over, i gotta get some flomax. [ laughter ] jimmy i would love that. I mean, i the funniest time i ever did garth was i did a movie with Anthony Hopkins my and jimmy wow. He was a great impressionist, so we would entertain the crew and he would do Hannibal Lecter and i would do garth so hed go, i can smell the lambs, garth. And id go, get away from me, big scary man. [ laughter ] and id run away id do that. Jimmy that would be fun, i would love to see that my new toy is jeff bridges. Did you see him at the Golden Globes . He is my favorite. Jimmy hes unbelievable. Hes so authentic hes up there going, were live, man, were live. [ light laughter ] and hes like, in his movies, his acting is so brilliant, but it always feels like he ate way too much and his belt is way too tight, if you notice like, im not really ready to shoot right now, i just had a, you know, self serve yogurt, i put down the snocaps, the gummi bears and reeses pieces, and little mini kitkat bar. [ laughter ] and i wont be ready for im about to give birth. Im not going to be ready for about a half hour. Jimmy self serve yogurt. Were live, man lets get our giddy up on. But he i love his acting. Jimmy i miss your impressions. I want to see more of them do you see these democrats running for president and go, i can do that person well, yeah, i mean, i you know, you keep your powder dry because we dont know whos going to be there in two months jimmy what do you think of, like, Pete Buttigieg hes like the opposite of trump. I figure, america always goes opposite because it went, w. , a guy talking like, heh, heh, heh. And then we went to obama, like this a very different sound a guy like that. Then we went to bagabaga. [ laughter and applause so, we go for weird bagabaokayokay okay. Okay okay okay okay okay this is the sound of trump bagaokayokayhabahaokay. [ laughter ] jimmy ive never heard an impression like that in my lifetime [ applause ] its an impression. Habaga thats what its like. Jimmy okay, okay excuse me, a minute, many people are saying excuse me, many people are saying excuse me. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crooked, stupid, evil, stupid, crooked, crazy, crazy, stupid, stupid, evil, evil, crooked, crooked [ clapping ] [ cheers ] we got to get looser jimmy yes, we got to get looser we got to get looser. Jimmy we got to get looser unbelievable mayor pete is yeah, i just thought i thought if it wasnt mayor pete, it would be a new guy is going to come out president brian. Just the opposite of trump hi, my name is brian. [ light laughter ] i wont make any sudden moves or talk very loudly. Im a virgin [ laughter ] lets do tai chi just breathe with me. And trump is in his penthouse, bagaga but we go the opposite thats right, jimmy. I dont know whos going to come out of this whole thing who do you do . I do bernie, but hes like 85. I do bernie as a crosswalk guard, like, with kids dont proceed dont proceed [ laughter ] the systems rigged. Dont proceed. [ laughter and applause dont proceed. The systems rigged. Dont you do him what do you do with him . Jimmy i dont do anything like you do. But you do the old character in the secret life of pets. Yeah, the grumpy old man. Well, i dont like things now, the way they used to be. Jimmy yeah in my day, we didnt have flame retardant sleep wear if you went to bed smoking, you woke up engulfed in flames whoopitydo. Im on fire and i love it. [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my gosh. That was a genesis from lionel barrymore, through saturday night live. The grumpy old man and then into pops, whos kid of the grumpy dog with a heart of gold. Jimmy yeah, with the we love him he has the wheels. Super cute, hes got wheels for hind legs. Jimmy i love him everyone does. But he was a big hit in secret life one, and now they brought him back in two. And youre equally funny, if not better, in this one. It was funny, i yeah hes a very fun character to do the movies weve got Harrison Ford in there i mean, that is really cool. Jimmy i mean, come on. Hes just such a trip. Hes just such a hes alive, man since i kind of have a bit of a cold [ english accent ] ive noticed that doing Michael Caine is a lot easier. cause hes got a lot of nasal and ive got nasal, so this is the show you do. And the people come in and you do the sketch and then you do it a second time after they heard the bloody jokes [ laughter ] jimmy oh, my god [ applause ] come on. What are you doing . Jimmy bagaba look, whatever your politics are, it was funny. When there were fires in california, the whole state was on fire. Trump comes out. I guess they got him in a room and told him about Land Management the whole states on fire. And trump comes out and goes, you got to rake the leaves. [ laughter ] you got to rake the leaves. And trump can work a word. Jimmy you got to rake. And he repeats, rake the leaves, you got to rake the leaves you got to rake. Jimmy everyone knows you know, the leaves. Jimmy you got to rake the leaves leaves, like you couldnt believe. Leaves, many people have said, leaves [ laughter ] excuse me, excuse me jimmy many people have said this leaves, like youve never seen jimmy leaves need to be raked. Leaves. You got to have leaves you need leaves. Jimmy i like he smiles too, really like [ laughter ] you know whats interesting, is biden [ laughter ] jimmy like, hit me, i dare you. [ laughter ] you got to rake the leaves he has a breathing thing, too. You got to rake the leaves [ sniffling you got to rake the leaves [ sniffling you got to rake the leaves i dont know what hes doing jimmy now you turn into a scarface [ talking over each other what are you doing antonio, im telling you, you gotta rakea the leaves. You gotta rakea the leaves. You gotta rakea the laves put a leave right there. You gotta rake the leaves [ laughter ] my favorite is tony montana at thanksgiving dinner [ as tony montana pass the sweet potatoes. [ laughter ] thats it. Jimmy i want to show a a clip watch the clip. Why you got to throw a clip . Jimmy heres dana carvey as pops, the basset hound, in the secret lives of pets 2. Take a look at this. Okay. Hey, pops, whats okay, thats enough. Whats going on . Yeah, my owner got a new puppy. My names tiny. Nobody cares i was teaching tiny how not to be anyones sucker word got out, suddenly every puppy in the tristate area is scratching at my door. Oh, professor pops . Yes, pickles . I got to make a poop. Oh. You know where to do that. Find a shoe. [ cheers and applause jimmy thats right hes evil jimmy my favorite human being, dana carvey, everybody. [ cheers and applause the secret life of pets 2 opens june 7th well be right back with Emily Ratajkowski. Stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause people know aflac. Aflac but not when to use it. Do i use aflac when the kids get slime in the plumbing . No. Thats home owners insurance. Slime in my motorcycle. No. Thats motorcycle insurance. Slime everywhere . Ughhh nooo, theres no insurance for that. 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[ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back to the show everybody monday is memorial day. And i want to say thank you to everyone whos ever served our country. Thank you so much. [ cheers and applause we owe you a debt of gratitude and a shout out to my fatherinlaw who just passed away bill juvonen he was a pilot in the marines, thank you so much. And we love you, buddy [ cheers and applause were thinking about you hey, i want to say congratulations to our very own kirk douglas from the roots right there. [ cheers and applause his debut solo album Turbulent Times is out today. [ cheers and applause 100 watt heart look at this blue vinyl. 100 watt harp. Can i play a little bit of kamala . What is the story behind this solo the album jimmy yeah. Kirk i had a lot of songs i was thinking about at home. And i just wanted to document what was inside of me and share it with whoever was interested jimmy what is come alive. You want to play a little bit of that . Yeah, ill play it. Jimmy i mean, you could probably play it, youre there, right . [ laughter ] let me play it ill do all the work heres [ light laughter ] why would you play it . Its not like youre holding a a guitar or anything [ laughter ] oh, my gosh. All right, here we go, this is come alive. This is you. Here you go. Jimmy kirk, i love that. Thank you, buddy [ cheers and applause i feel like i probably inspired a lot of these songs kirk quite possibly. [ light laughter ] jimmy i dont think im getting a cut on any of these jams [ light laughter ] talk to my agent again but mark is on this record kirk yeah, mark plays base jimmy hey mark, youre on the cover here you think youd smile. [ laughter ] never. Why would you smile when you you i mean, come on. Can we zoom in can you see marks face . [ laughter ] he used to smile all the time. You have a lot to be thankful for and happy for. You have twins on the way, i mean, life is great. 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Thanks, zoltar. How can i ever repay you . Maybe you could free zoltar . Thanks, lady. Taxi only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. [ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest is a supermodel, entrepreneur, and actress who you can see in the new movie lying and stealing, which is on directv june 13th and in theaters july 12th. And i heard that shes a proud owner of a brand new puppy everyone, please welcome Emily Ratajkowski, everybody [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, you brought him out here so i kind of cheated. I brought the puppy. Jimmy oh, no, you didnt cheat at all cause its really all i want to talk about jimmy no its become my whole life jimmy youre not cheating at all now what say hi, youre doing so good [ audience aws ] youre doing so good jimmy now, whats this little puppys name . His name is columbo jimmy hi, columbo. Hes a total mutt but you can see from his paws hes going to be a very big boy. Jimmy oh, he is. So i think one day i may have to bring him back and you know, when hes a full grown man. Say hi [ audience aws ] oh thats a big deal. Jimmy i got a kiss from columbo. Oh, my god. Wow, im so glad he didnt do Something Else [ laughter ] jimmy no, hes such a good little flirt yeah, hes really good. Jimmy do people freak out when you carry him around . People its changed my life my whole perception of new york is different because people are coming up to me and theyre like, hi, can i get a picture . And im like, yeah, sure. And then theyre like, of your dog. [ laughter ] obviously. Jimmy getting over you of course, yeah so, ive been loving it. I feel like jimmy have you been wanting a dog for a while . Yeah. And i guess it felt like a big step you know, i wanted to take care of this little boy and its been absolutely a joy i sing to him jimmy you do all the time. My favorite track is beyonces baby boy. You stay on my mind when he gets on the floor, when hes on his back its maniac. Basically a whole play list. [ light laughter ] jimmy how old is he now . Hes nine weeks jimmy nine weeks old yeah. Jimmy hes a baby puppy. Hes doing so good. Hes not even nervous. Jimmy and hes going to grow up to be how big, do you think . 60 pounds jimmy oh, wow. Yeah. Jimmy columbo, you got to come back on the show when youre yeah. Jimmy yeah what do you think jimmy you know your name, dont you . I mean, im were trying potty training, the whole thing. Jimmy look at this, are you kidding me i know. Jimmy isnt he the cutest . Its really its just kind of oh, my gosh [ laughter ] jimmy hes that cute oh, my gosh. Oh, i love it jimmy emily, last time i saw you was at the met gala. Yes jimmy i just want to quickly say, you were stunning that night oh, thanks, jimmy jimmy as you always are. Thank you jimmy man, oh, man i mean thats like its a a big deal when you go to that show and everyones decked to the nines. Yeah. Jimmy you were just i mean i have to tell you i really actually, i really appreciated you coming up to me and letting me know that you loved my look. Because, you know, you get ready for these things, you have, like, two minutes to look in the mirror. And then you came to me and were so genuinely excited and were like, you really nailed it. And i took that with me and walked through the rest of the night like that. Jimmy oh, really so thanks jimmy oh, please, pal. Yeah. Jimmy are you kidding me every you couldnt see all the people behind after you passed them. Everyone was like [ gasping [ laughter ] oh, my gosh shes stunning. Its nervewracking jimmy it is. You walk into this Amazing Museum and theres this big wall of flowers. And theres like, every celebrity youve ever dreamed of meeting or not meeting. [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah, you see everybody. No, but, and everyone looks amazing. And youre just kind of like, i really hope i belon honestly. So jimmy you beyond belong there. But i mean and everythings going great. Yes jimmy your swimwear line yes jimmy is now also doing lingerie yes, and readytowear. Jimmy the name of your line is remind me. Inamorata jimmy inamorata. Yeah, and actually the last time we were here, we talked about cher jimmy you did. Because cher is such a huge influence for the line but obviously, she was the whole inspiration for my met look jimmy but she showed up at the met gala are you okay . Yeah jimmy did you know that . Okay, so there was people talking about it and i was like, if she shows up, im really in luck this will be a good night for me in camp and the whole theme. And she was amazing. Shes 70 years old jimmy she was unbelievably amazing. I was yeah, i really enjoyed her performance. It was great jimmy she was phenomenal yeah. Jimmy lets talk about your acting side of your yeah. Jimmy all your work that youre doing lying and stealing. Dog owner jimmy yeah, exactly. The list goes on yeah, lying and stealing with theo james. Its a story of sort of a heisty type guy. And i play a little bit of a a female conman jimmy yeah who lies about her name and we kind of pair up to take on the bad guys. Its fun jimmy its super fun i want to show everyone a clip heres Emily Ratajkowski in the new movie lying and stealing. Take a look at this. Will you be my fake boyfriend or not sure. See if we can spy on him okay. Is that him, 6 00 how did you do that i dont know. It just seems like him yeah. But there are a lot of candidates here. Only three italian ones that guy, and hes not creepy. Hes almost dead that guy through there, and that seems pretty obvious. What about that guy that guys jewish how do you know that . Okay, thats very impressive bingo here comes your boy okay, he thinks im half italian. Speak italian sure, not really. Ah, Giovanni Bella [ cheers and applause jimmy bella, bella, ciao Emily Ratajkowski, everybody lying and stealing is on directv june 13th and in theaters july 12th bye, columbo its a pleasure meeting you. Well be right back with standup from Chloe Hilliard. Stick around, everybody. Columbo, come back [ cheers and applause my experience with usaa has been excellent. They really appreciate the military family and it really shows. With all that usaa offers why go with anybody else . We know their rates are good, we know that theyre always going to take care of us. It was an instant savings and i should have changed a long time ago. It was funny because when we would call another insurance company, hey would say oh we cant beat usaa were the webber family. Were the tenneys were the hayles, and were usaa members for life. Get your usaa Auto Insurance quote today. A magical place. Thats lookin to get scared halloween time is back in disneyland and disney california Adventure Parks . And out of respect, we will let you make the first offer. Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes . Objection overruled. One hour. Sweeten the deal by doing the dishes and ill consider it. I wouldnt do it. I hate the dishes. One hour with the tablet, you walk the dog and do the dishes. If you insist. Congratulations. Only xfinity xfi lets you take control of your familys online time. Thats simple, easy, awesome. Xfinity xfi gives you the speed, coverage and control you need. Manage your wifi network from anywhere when you download the xfi app today. [ cheers and applause jimmy our next guest can be seen at the las vegas comedy cellar next monday through sunday and her book f your diet is available now for presale. Making her late night debut, everyone, please welcome very funny Chloe Hilliard [ cheers and applause thank you thank you. Sit down sit down sit down thank you so much. Im so excited to be here. I am 61. And ive been this height since i was 12 [ light laughter ] yes. First day of high school, i walked in to this, shh, the teachers here. [ laughter ] the rude girl in the front raises his hand, miss, aint you our teacher . No, im your classmate. What do you think this is 21 jump street . [ laughter Elementary School was worse. Because i was chunky yeah, when youre a fat kid growing up, you got to go the extra mile to make friends i was doing stuff like magic and taxes. [ laughter ] id be on the playground like, abracadabra, its an audit. Lets play. [ laughter ] i did get bullied every once in a while. One day i came home from school traumatized. Im crying in the mirror like, this is it. I dont have any friends im going to run away. And my knees looked up at me like, baby, we aint running nowhere. [ laughter ] [ applause ] my Guardian Angel pops up, chloe, you cant run away tomorrow is pizza day. Yay [ applause ] thank you pepperoni im staying. Oh, come on, dont act like pizza day wasnt the best day of Elementary School [ cheers and applause yeah, that cement block of dough, those two little paint brushes of tomato paste, the cheese, it never melted it it just stared at you like, youre going to get cancer at 50 [ laughter ] this is not real cheese. I think about my childhood a a lot. Because im not an adult my parents have been married for over 40 years. My mom was 19. My dad was 24 when they got married. Meanwhile, im 38, single and i like to take pictures the of ugly babies in public. [ laughter ] oh, yeah, come on, you cant get mad at me for having pictures of your gremlin in my smartphone [ laughter ] yeah, oh, if youre not laughing, i probably got your relatives in my phone right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah i used to be a very mature adult, dont get me wrong. Before i was a comedian, i was a journalist i did investigative reporting for over a decade. And then i realized, people dont read [ laughter ] yes, so i found another dream. And now in the eyes of my parents, you know, its a competition. My younger brother is 15 years younger. And hes killing it. So now my parents look at me like im the first pancake yeah, you ever go to make pancakes, its been a long time the batter is extra lumpy. Youre looking like it hopefully itll work itself out. [ laughter ] you pour it in the pan the pan is way too hot it burns instantly its not even round, its oblong staring up at you like, mom, dad, what are we going to do about this . Youre like, um, were going to put you at the bottom of the stack. And hopefully in 38 years, somebody will want this messed up pancake. [ laughter ] oh, yeah, okay, fine all hope is not lost okay, my brother, he went to Yale University. Yes. But he majored in photography. [ laughter and applause at Yale University listen, yall, its time to warm this pancake up, okay oh, yeah, my parents are devastated they called me up, chloe, can you please talk some sense into your brother . Mom, dad, dont worry about it. I called him up at yale. Hey, chad, follow your dreams. [ laughter ] im not an adult now, listen, just because you have a life dream and it doesnt pan out, doesnt mean you throw your whole life away i thought i had my life figured out. When i was in my early 20s, me and my girlfriends would get together for brunch. We sit around the table, talk about our future im going to get married. Youre going to get married. Youre going to get married. Im going to have a baby youre going to have a baby. Youre going to have a baby. Im going to start a fashion line youre going to start a fashion line youre going to start a fashion line. [ laughter ] none of us knew how to settle. But now im almost 40. The conversation is much more realistic. Im going to get a roommate. Youre going to get a roommate youre going to get a roommate [ ughter ] im going to get a cat youre going to get a cat. Youre going to get a cat. Im going to go to therapy youre going to therapy. [ laughter ] thank you, guys. My name is chloe thank you so much. [ cheers and applause jimmy Chloe Hilliard for more visit chloehilliard. Com. My thanks to dana carvey, Emily Ratajkowski, robert smigel. Chloe hilliard, once again [ cheers and applause and her brother. And the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ chrs andpplause stay tuned for late night with seth meyers. Thank you for watching have a great weekend hope to see you next week. Bye, bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause announcer from 30 Rockefeller Plaza in new york, its late night with seth meyers. Tonight jake tapper, star of pose, actress mj rodriguez featuring the 8g band with nate smith [ cheers and applaus ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. How is everybody doing tonight [ cheers and applause that is wonderful to hear. In that case, lets get to the news despite major wall street losses yesterday and global fears of a recession, President Trump tweeted today, quote, consumers
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