Run. His name is donald. laughter and. cheers and applause good man. And donald recently glided back into my life on his solid gold up and down people mover, cranked up the unauthorized millian, opened up his crazy hole and made a promise to me that i would never be without material again laughter when mexico sends its people, theyre not sending their best. Theyre sending people that have lots of problems, and theyre bringing those problems with us. Theyre bringing drugs. Theyre bringing crime. Theyre rapists. And some, i assume, are good people. laughter jon thats our donald trump reminding america that as many as a handful of people laughter coming across our southern border are not rapists laughter he assumes. Hes sure about the rapist part. laughter but feels that, i guess by pure law of averages, there are probably some nonrapists caught up in that tide, whether theyre unable to rape for medical reasons or laughter or whether they are just all raped out laughter as you can imagine
President will be joining us not of the United States laughter just the french club. Here is your moment of zen. John mccain goes oh, boy trump makes my life difficult. He had 15,000 crazies show up. Crazies. He called them all crazy. I said, they werent crazy. They were great americans. If you would have seen these people i know what a crazy is. I kn tonightly twicedivorced muppet head donald trump mocks john mccain for being captured in vietnam. laughter yes, if only mccain could have evaded the north vietnamese as well as trump evaded that u. S. Draft board. laughter cheers and applause in a newly released deposition bill cosby admits to drugging women for sex. Its the most embarrassing release for cosby since leonard part 6. laughter and obama visits a federal prison in oklahoma. Its something we would talk about tonight, but who are we kidding . You know were going to talk about that asshole bill cosby. cheers and applause this is the nightly show. Lets do this captioning sponsore
[laughter] 29 minutes long but it gets cooking around a 117. Im not going to screw around tonight as someone reminded me in the audience tonight [laughter] apparently if i understand it correctly, no ones interested in my [bleep] tonight. So lets just get to it. Ladies and gentlemen the 44th president of the united states. Please welcome back to the Program President barack obama. [crowd cheering] thank you. Jon you know, i am amazed and humble every time i come out here and get that ovation. Im just happy you were here to witness it. [laughter] what are you going to do. How are you . What have you done now . What do you have left, about a year. You know, i cant believe that youre leaving before me. [laughter] in fact, im issuing a new executive order. That jon stewart cannot leave the show. [laughter] [applause] its being challenged in the courts. Jon yes. I have to say for me, this is a states right issue. This is not something that you should be. What are you going, you know, you ar
I have decided to run for president of the United States. cheers and applause larry yay. John kasich laughter woo laughter applause man. Yay. laughter yay. laughter im tired. Another guy . Really . laughter okay. What do we have, like 43 guys running . Okay. J. F. K. , man john freakin kasich. laughter okay. You got to use that. What do we know . Well, hes the governor of ohio. Its a very important swing state. Hes known for working across the aisle. Hes open to immigration reform. And his state took some obamacare. Okay. So far hes okasich in my book. laughter seriously, heres my book. Right here. And there you go. laughter here we go. There we go. See . So okasich. Says it right here. cheers and applause no no, no. You guys think i make this [ bleep ] up. Everything i say has been thoroughly sourced. All right . laughter every time a candidate on either side enters the race, i think, how does this impact me . I was just at wendys on saturday up here on hudson avenue, and two wonderfu
Somebody cancels at the last minute, you think ill never get anybody interesting to talk to. This guy runs a Subway Sandwich shop, i go in there and i will be like what is that smell . He would be like, bread, and then we also have the Horse Carriage over there. So whenever i walk into the building, the two odors generally come together at the door and i end up thinking i could really go for a bleep sandwich right now. But that is not the case because we have the great historian, one of my favorites, David Mccullough, will be joining us with the Wright Brothers so, yes cheers and applause what could be a better gift kicking off my final late shows, Nothing Better than talking to an historian nonfibbing writer. A great way to start the final run. But first, hard to do, but as a hardhitting news program we turn to i. S. I. S. Who has their own i. S. I. L or the worst people youve ever seen on youtube. I. S. I. S. Is the biggest threat. I. S. I. S. Is not your parents al quaida. Jon are y