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[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy hello, everybody, welcome. I was waiting for this steve yeah jimmy thank you very much. Please have a seat, everybody. Welcome. Welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Youre here, you made it thats very nice [ cheers and applause well you guys, its currently comiccon in new york city [ cheers and applause [ cheers ] so if you see 13 guys in the subway dressed as spiderman i guess its that . [ light laughter ] yeah, its almost the weekend. And if you think you need a break, imagine how trumps iphone feels [ light laughter ] this is very exciting. Joaquin phoenix is my guest tonight. [ cheers and applause and his new film, joker is out today. We see the origins of how a man went completely insane i guess itll started when he made a phone call to ukraine and asked for help thats what i [ light laughter ] no spoilers. I saw that President Trump is thinking about st ....
The Major Taliban leaders and separately the president of afghanistan were going to secretly meet with me at camp david on sunday. Only trump would brag about a meeting he didnt have. [ laughter ] anyway. They were coming to the United States tonight. Unfortunately, in order to build false leverage they admitted to an attack in kabul that killed one of our great, great soldiers and 11 other people. I immediately canceled the meeting and called off peace negotiations. What kind of people would kill so many in order to seemingly strengthen their bargaining position . Mm. The taliban maybe . [ laughter ] i dont know. You know, the people you invited to camp david. Donald trump invited the taliban to camp david three days before 9 11. Next month hes taking al qaeda to six flags. Did you know that . [ laughter ] can you imagine if that meeting had happened and it had gone like if so ....
[ light laughter ] welcome back to my terrible, awful, no good, very unfair week in office [ light laughter ] i got to tell you, folks, donnys not a happy president right now, no. [ laughter ] impeachment is heating up, the stock markets going down and worst of all, nickelbacks mad at me. [ laughter ] not only that, the media has been very mean to me, very mean and very nasty [ laughter ] very mean, and very, very nasty. [ laughter ] they keep saying im unhinged. Which is completely untrue, because everyone knows that ive never been hinged [ laughter ] im like one of those folding accordion doors, folks you know the ones you find at a cheap massage parlor with the little magnets on the side [ light laughter ] just like that cheap massage parlor, you dont know whats going on inside, but you know its not good. [ laughter ] but anyway, ive learned my lesson this week dont ask ukraine for dirt on joe biden. [ light laughter ] thats why today i asked china for dirt on joe biden. [ laughter ....
[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. I feel it. I feel the love. Oh my gosh, thats great welcome, welcome, welcome. Hot crowd. Please, have a seat, everybody youre here. Have a seat. Dow welcome, everybody welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. You made it. Thank you very much. [ cheers and applause guys, what a beautiful fall day it was here in new york city, wasnt it gorgeous its that time of year when people look at the puddle on the subway seat and go from saying, i hope thats lemonade to i hope thats cider. [ light laughter ] seriously, i love the fall in new york city. There is Nothing Better than watching tourists in central parkp into p leaves and then realize theres a body underneath. [ law and order chime [ laughter and applause but everyones is in the fall spirit some people spent the weekend carving a pumpkin, while nancy pelosi is trying to impeach one. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause and trump, trump is ....
[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Thanks so much thank you. Please, please, have a seat. [ cheers and applause i love you i love you i appreciate it. Thank you very much. Sit down, relax. Welcome to the tonight show, everybody. Youre here and you made it. Im happy. [ cheers and applause you guys, my guest tonight is one of the alltime greats Sylvester Stallone is here [ cheers and applause backstage i asked him, can i get you something to drink water, soda . He was like, raw eggs. Steve really jimmy yeah [ laughter ] Sylvester Stallone is here i knew hed arrived in the billing when all 12 Security Guards downstairs were sprawled out on the floor unconscious [ laughter ] but it is great that hes here, cause i love having guests on the show that have the same workout routine as me. [ laughter ] stallone ....