those also. but first let's look at tonight's guest. he sells his fans razors in case they prefer suicide. [applause] can we go back really quick? doesn't he look like a member of kiss without the makeup? she is such a whiz they put her on philly cheesesteak fox news business anchor lawrence and eddie. [applause] and to terrify the minions. charlie her. and finally she is like barbie small and one with fake hair. cap cat kat timpf. now before we get to some stories and we had plenty of them let's do this. leftovers. we will be the jokes we did not use this week so if they suck we will tie joe to the table and that monkeys rip off his face. it might be an improvement. he is homely. brian kilmeade took on a wrestling bout this week in a match called the unstoppable force versus the unwatchable object. a contract of tyrus power against the skills he learned playing soccer that bore me to death. and austrian growth will just grocery store was evacuated after a spider whose bite cause for our erections was used in the banana section. that was the set up. i did not get to a punchline. guess who announced he is moving to austria? and in coastal iran on tuesday the heat index god as high as 158 degrees it was so hot they had to cancel the annual wet. contest. charlie finds that funny. according to a new study long-term use of popular acid reflux has been linked to a higher risk of dementia as well as a loss of smell. i just want to show that picture. a new study shows half of men with thinning hair will avoid socializing but then some will just cover it up. a doctor told pbs news hour this week that americans should start wearing masks again. even inside their own homes. thank god said the husband of this woman. she has really helped this show. nearly 10000 people have offered to change their name to subway for the chance to get free subs for life. i thank you know five of them. that would be confusing of all of their names were subway. subway goldberg. one trans- woman is suing her ex boyfriend to return her surgically removed testicles to say he keeps them in her fridge. this could be bad. i told my old roommate if you don't put your name on it i will need it. on —- eat it. keeping testicles in a jar? just say he is married. mr. final shot megan rubino as a member of the women's national team. did pull off the trickiest goal making soccer even less popular. mike pence is qualified for the first republican debate which is great for that electricians the mechanics who built mike pence. donald trump mocked chris estes weight the first time the media did not try to fact check. a new poses the average american eats cookies every year so he is finally ahead in a pole. while fishing in the florida keys finding 70 pounds of cocaine normally have to visit the white house to find that. finally cinnabon and simon le bon. workers are striking for their right to just lie a pride flag. customers say they may cross the picket line as long as there are no stairs. i can hear the monkeys feeding off joe's face right now. she had a meltdown in economy class and once the media to get off of her ass. a 30 -year-old marketing executive from the infamous incident on board in american airlines flight last month. she complained to a fellow passenger was not real. something i told human resources about judge janine since day number one. >> i am telling you the reason i am getting off. they believe it or they cannot believe it. i don't give two i am telling you right now he is not real. but i am not going to. >> greg: something back there is bothering her. american airline issued a statement saying no passenger has the right to cause a pointless three hour delay because that is their job. this freak out will go down in the annals of airplane freak outs but she's telling the daily mail nobody should judge her but now she says nobody knows anybody else's story and nobody knows what it is like. there are a lot of passengers who have been in her shoes according to the faa more than 1100 unruly reports of passengers this year not counting the 100 from the lonely guy in 14 see who keeps asking don't you know who i am? we got her hands on the unedited version of her outburst and who she was referring to. >> i don't give to. [bleep] but i am telling you right now. that. [bleep] right there is not real. you can set on this plane but i am not. >> david you have a low key presence but a short fuse. and you beat up children. have you ever been unruly on a flight quick. >> never. i try to stay calm. i appreciate the older you get you appreciate freak outs more. you just get them. when you are young what is this crazy person? but middle-age you think i get it. i wouldn't mind screaming at a crowd of people. >> greg: my feeling is we will all be hurt one of these days. people are always looking at me waiting for me to snap. >> yes. that is coming. it will not be good. >> greg: you can see it coming. i'm walking toward the edge. lauren, what do you think caused her meltdown? >> she said her life is over nobody gets it. well help us get it. if there is a mental health issue we would probably be sympathetic instead everybody attacks her because she lives in a 2 million-dollar home with a 19 million-dollar bag who cares. there is an issue tell us what it is. >> greg: this is what is bs. so what if you have a viral moment let her get on with her life. why should we care if she gets another job or not? that bugs me. we are all acting like it will never happen to us. but it will. especially you, charlie. >> i have come close. i am not much into viral videos but the minute hit i have watched every second i don't know she's complaining about first all she is a marketing exact then a viral video was great. stopped complaining about it. a lot of people love her. but i will warn you against watching the one in context it is way more boring. she was speaking truth in the short version. >> greg: that is an interesting version of it was made of hollywood it would be three hours long. all of the build up and romantic interest in pointless conversations with her in somebody in front of her and then behind her. the all-knowing flight attendant talking to his husband about the two twin babies on the phone. the subplot where the plane could be going under any time but it is not that interesting. and then you get to that. it is five minutes. >> she is a hero to many. and she is hot, which helps. but the problem for her apparently is that it turns out she was mad at a relative she was traveling with who apparently stole her earbuds, her phone so that is a warning flag that maybe you don't want to hang out with her. >> greg: i can see the little flowchart for a children's book. the first one is ambien. chardonnay. divided by earbuds that fell into the crease of your chair equals i hate my relatives. that's all it takes is a mix of two things and your life is over. >> you have any insight into the story that other networks are too scared to cover? >> i honestly think not only a warning sign as an opportunity that if her family is fighting like this in public, imagine what they are doing at home. let's put some cameras in there. i completely agree as someone who is in marketing she totally missed the opportunity there should be merchandise she should do a show where she interviews other people may be they had a viral meltdown maybe they call that meltdown and glow up. she could probably start a colt. and then to say i saw this the aliens are here. thousands of people would believe her. >> i would. i thought she had seen some something. it is they are. that was the best acting. hollywood cannot do that. >> if you come out and say something like she did, do better than don't judge me. say it is real. listen. next thing you know. boom. cult. >> if she's worried about not getting a job then we would be happy to have her come on board and be a part of the team. the team includes all of america. it is america's largest razor company. >> made in america you refer to the staffers as male and female. versus birthing and non- birthing people. >> it is men it is me and my friend. [laughter] and then to provide the best customer service. >> greg: getting a pass to kick a suspects ass. (vo) verizon small business days are back. from august 7th to the 13th. get a free tech check and special offers. like a free 5g phone. plus, switch, keep your number, and get up to $300 off. with verizon business. it's your business. it's your verizon. let innovation refunds help with your erc tax refund so you can improve your business however you see fit. rosie used part of her refund to build an outdoor patio. clink! dr. marshall used part of his refund to give his practice a facelift. emily used part of her refund to buy... i run a wax museum. let innovation refunds help you get started on your erc tax refund. stop waiting. go to innovationrefunds.com you really got the brows. ♪ ♪ we're reinventing our network... ...with smarter, more efficient routes... ...so you can deliver more value to your customers. fast. reliable. perfectly orchestrated. the united states postal service. >> greg: first ag garland has appointed us attorney david weiss as special counsel in the hunter biden probe. not that kind of probe. he has been investigating hunter since 2019 but now he can prosecute federal crimes and any federal judiciary will issues arising from the investigation of those words make sense to me. all day today i have heard this is good. this is bad. but it is a sham. people are saying it is a sham. is it? >> probably. any investigation is good obviously whether or not this particular prosecutor who tried to hatch a sweetheart deal in the first place that was a complete sham it does raise suspicions but that said to me the most interesting thing about it is the political aspect because this is the most politicized doj in history and the fact the biden administration who completely runs the doj, the fact that he is feeling the pressure to do that means the story politically speaking is blowing up and is hurting him politically. and to me that is a good thing. it means it is breaking through the media effort. >> greg: but this could be the way of loosening the screws and letting the tension ease? >> you can only put so many fingers in the dike. >> greg: you do not have to be sexual. i tried to tell these panelist we moved up at 10:00 o'clock p.m. and they make the disgusting sexual jokes. but the pervert makes a good point. weiss was behind the rejected plea deal that basically gave immunity to those crimes of hunter. there's something fishy. what is it? >> nobody is above the law. [applause] people say that all the time. usually about people who are totally above the law. people say i hear that every day for something that is not at all accurate. tons of people are above the law. most of them are our government. if you are a cog in the system you will not face the same penalties under that exact same system you are a part of. i feel a lot of us feel disillusioned and are not expecting much. i believe it when i see it. >> greg: i am above the law. i feel bad for you. are you? >> know. i don't know. your hair thought it would dance in the wind but it is stuck. you have any information on the hunter biden inquiry? >> it is a total sham. there is no ambiguity. this guy is a hack, weiss. he worked with the defense team to come up with this plan they try to pull it over on a judge and they get the one judge in dc who is not a hack isn't this plea deal over the top and then they had to scramble. so then he also could have asked her special counsel earlier, he did not do that. what has changed? now it's a cover-up. we are in cover-up mode. it will take us past the election. it will take us two years. we have everything already. they have to cross the t and.eyes and make the excuses. the whole thing is a sham. >> greg: it was informative and joke free analysis. >> that is true. [laughter] >> say what he said but funnier. [laughter] >> good luck. >> i do not remember what he said. >> like merrick garland announcing all of this. you know david weiss asked me to be special counsel and then took no questions. nothing to see here but very passive. >> greg: up next, california prosecutors will not press charges against the 7-11 employees who went viral defending themselves with a stick. a shout out to the audience who applauds. and audience after my heart. the robbery suspect to us since been arrested after learning he was connected to multiple robberies. surprise. they robbed more than one place? you mean recidivism actually exist? i had no idea. you can hear it right now the left says oh my god this will greenlight vigilante and people have their own frontier justice. >> yes that's why in the first place they said we will investigate this. i don't know how long that investigation is the guy wasn't just stealing but i feel that is where you have to draw the line. that is a boundary of mine personally if somebody says i will shoot and kill you, that is when it is over. >> greg: you should lighten up and that it is just words. this is great news can you imagine quick. >> i am encouraged by it. >> greg: you can protect yourself in california. >> the owners of the 7-11. >> now they will start selling sticks. [laughter] >> when i first saw the story a week ago the video i said oh no they will press charges for defending themselves and their store for being robbed and that did not happen. they stopped at the third time and they are right across the street from the police department by the way. they called the police to previous occasions and they could not get there fast enough. >> greg: i did not know that. right across the street? i wish i live right across the street from the cops. do you ever think about that? >> i did that once and then you have the sirens all night. >> greg: but if anything happens you just walk over there. that is what is great. >> i like to be a regular at the hospital. >> greg: sit there with a cup of coffee in the corner sitting there like i am norm from cheers. you like to beat the crap out of people with sticks it is a victory. >> the older i get. the more i just want to unload on someone with a bamboo pole. where did he even get that? what is 7-11? i feel like per square foot more people have died or been injured in 7-11 than vietnam in the seventies. >> greg: somebody should do research on that. how many videos and compare that to war footage. >> per square footage. the deadliest place on earth. >> greg: especially with a microwave hot dog. >> slurpie heaven. >> those are delicious. don't knock them. you deserve credit for this. you were on the front lines of this. and cheered on the stick wielders. [applause] nobody else would. >> greg: i realize you have to dear them to get arrested. idea you to arrest these people because if you do you will become heroes. they knew that because they watch the number one show on late-night. [cheers & applause] >> the prosecutor saw your segment of 7-11 and they took a big gulp. [laughter] >> greg: he is so stupid i want to punch him. up next, giving good advice. you can't leave without cuddles. but, you also can't leave covered in hair. with bounce pet, you can cuddle and brush that hair off. bounce. it's the sheet. 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[laughter] it did not work. >> greg: take your answer and constructed and yours is the assumption that you are good. >> sometimes people are good or bad things i was bad at sports and a lot of other things. i still really cannot drive. talking is one thing i can do. let me have it. >> greg: one hit show right now. who cares about vehicular manslaughter. i wish the family would stop calling us. >> vehicular manslaughter? that is a new one. >> greg: lauren, what prepared you for television to speak in front of others that there are millions out there? [laughter] >> do you remember in grade school storytelling contest? my mother told me i should enter the storytelling contest in fourth grade. i think charlie the caterpillar was born i'm doing it off the top of my head i memorized it and won the competition. and i competed the second year in fifth grade but i forgot the words during the competition so i messed up. >> greg: so you are a offering a piece of advice to enroll in things that are challenging you. a service journalist. you have the hardest job you get in front of an audience telling jokes that rarely, if ever land. >> i'm not one of those comedians that needs laughter. [laughter] they are so needy. >> greg: that something i admire about you that you can just do in our and not get a simple laugh. >> thinking of western reserve.com. but i guess i knew. i learned as a kid we worked at a small efficiency apartment under the stage at carnegie h hall. >> greg: really? >> know. >> greg: you had me. [laughter] >> i had you on that? okay. [laughter] >> greg: with your hair and everything. >> that is true. i am kind of a free spirit. >> greg: how did you get over it? >> i never worried about the consequences. >> greg: you are impervious to embarrassment? just like trump. if there were 100 anecdotes with the embarrassing situation with trump. one of those could and us if somebody chooses you of making fun of a journalist with a disability. his superpower is the ability to be immune. much like mine. coming up, the friday crew takes a stroll through the zoo. ...a clown! sorry, what app was it again? no, no. just give me a second... amateurs. ohhh! sorry everybody. directv sports central gives you access to every game... ...so you never have to compromise on gameday. ...was that necessary? i was just illustrating a point. oh. get in the redzone with sports pack. call 1-800-directv (swords clashing) -had enough? -no... arthritis. here. aspercreme arthritis. full prescription-strength? reduces inflammation? thank the gods. don't thank them too soon. kick pain in the aspercreme. >> greg: welcome back. the segment where each guest enthusiastically shares a cute critter clip. get it over with. you go first. >> this is a clip i brought from my own personal collection. >> greg: you have a lot of bears bathing? >> yes. just relaxing in the woods. their life is stressful. that has to feel good. he just takes it easy. >> greg: when you collect the bear videos what do you look for? >> i like to see a bear. >> greg: does it have to be in water? >> know, but it helps. look at him go. >> greg: that is amazing. they shake it off. >> i have a thumb drive with some better bear in water footage i will show you after the show. >> greg: charlie? >> we have yardbirds and we have had a real problem with the coyotes. they have wiped them out so we had to get some chickens and they start to lay eggs but the problem is you have to get there before the snakes do. so now we battle the snakes for our eggs. there you have it. >> at your house? >> yes the nesting boxes we use the us mail crates. don't come at me u.s. postal service. >> greg: hunter biden. speaking of snakes. >> this is the thing when you go out to collect eggs that's what you run into. >> greg: that's a great story. why do you live there? been have you walked outside in new york? i would rather see an animal go to the bathroom in front of me. technically they are not animals. >> greg: but he would rather face a dangerous serpent than the unhinged citizenry. >> we find them in the house. >> homeless people? >> snakes. >> greg: lauren? >> my story is depressing. it was given to me. these are not my dogs. this stranger is popping the champagne and the dog is looking so cute. they want to drink the champagne. they just want the cork. it's so depressing. go for the champagne. >> how much does he drink that they know it is about to happen? >> i was a server once opening a bottle of wine in front of everybody. >> i was for years. >> and the cork would be in the bottle. >> i dated a waitress. >> greg: okay cat. >> there is a go for. a groundhog actually. he eats pizza in front of the dog and the dog cannot do anything about it. he could eat the pizza and the gopher in one bite. he knows he could eat his pizza anywhere he wants but he does it on purpose. look at this. i believe the term is he is being a little. [bleep] [laughter] look at that. he can go anywhere outside but i want to show them that i have what they never will. >> greg: instagram for pets. this is one of the arguments that they hate glass. they don't understand. why can i see through it and it is they are. nobody has explained that to the animals. >> it's hard to sit them down that there is this thing called glass. maybe we should. what am i talking about? a story that has some saying maybe don't let others name your baby. arkest before dawn. with caplyta, there's a chance to let in the lyte. caplyta is proven to deliver significant relief across bipolar depression. unlike some medicines that only treat bipolar i, caplyta treats both bipolar i and ii depression. and in clinical trials, movement disorders and weight gain were not common. call your doctor about sudden mood changes, behaviors, or suicidal thoughts. antidepressants may increase these risks in young adults. elderly dementia patients have increased risk of death or stroke. report fever, confusion, stiff or uncontrollable muscle movements which may be life threatening or permanent. these aren't all the serious side effects. caplyta can help you let in the lyte. ask your doctor about caplyta. find savings and support at caplyta.com. hi! need new glasses? buy one pair, get one free at visionworks! how can you see me squinting? i can't! i'm just telling everyone!...hey! buy one pair, get one free for back to school. visionworks. see the difference. >> a story in five words. evil baby names. parent should avoid controversial names and religious names like colin. priest. you name your kid priest? this is a sham. and she should be arrested for murder. >> never discussed the potential names of your child. not even with your significant other. everybody has something to say then they share the name with your friends and family there is a problem even with the name that you love and your spouse agreed on. and then i take on the end. and then you have to sign the form to leave the hospital. okay just pick. >> we have family names. >> we wanted to name the kid after you but we were under the gun. >> charlie you have three children. avoid gun related names like caliber or remington or colt. >> we just recycle names we have eight names and they are all recycled. but this story made me wish i named my kid remington. >> remington smith & wesson. >> i do not know people were offended by that. but she said don't name your kid adonis. because he may grow up to be ugly. >> greg: that is negative thinking. i like to see a picture of her. that she is not a pretty thing. that is pretty mean. >> i don't know how you name a kid. how is there a single name in the world you don't have some bad experience in the past? it has to be hard. that's one reason i don't have kids i don't know how to name them and i am worried about the paperwork. >> greg: it is a lot of paperwork. >> i came here with my own paperwork to create an additional paperwork stream? >> or just name him. yours would be ridiculous. >> david? are you named after anybody in particular? >> i think my parents could have spent a little more time online. - - on mine. >> and your last name is like your first name what would you prefer instead of david? >> something more exciting. >> michael? >> that is my uncle actually. >> michelangelo? [applause] i agonized over naming my razor company. western reserve. i was living out west. the rugged outdoors connotation. americas razor available public square. pro- american. >> i hope all the show does is drive returns. that's where i got the razor. i am sending it back. we have to move on. too many satisfied customers. i cannot let that go. >> greg: don't go away. we will be right .e will be right . . . ♪ farxiga ♪ ♪ ♪ we're reinventing our network... ...with smarter, more efficient routes... ...so you can deliver more value to your customers. fast. reliable. perfectly orchestrated. the united states postal service. what do we always say, son? liberty mutual customizes your car insurance... so you only pay for what you need. that's my boy. ♪ stay off the freeways! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ ever notice how stiff clothes can feel rough on your skin? for softer clothes that are gentle on your skin, try downy free & gentle downy will soften your clothes without dyes or perfumes. the towel washed with downy is softer, and gentler on your skin. try downy free & gentle. (vo) verizon small business days are back. from august 7th to the 13th. get a free tech check and special offers. like a free 5g phone. plus, switch, keep your number, and get up to $300 off. with verizon business. it's your business. it's your verizon. >> we are out of time. thank you! thank you to our awesome audience. i love you, america! >> good evening, i am trace gallagher, it is 11:00 p.m. on the east coast, 8:00 here in los angeles. this is america's late news. fox news at night. >> breaking tonight, hollywood hills, the home of celebrities and squatters, who trashed a multi million dollar home and make it off a scot-free. wildfires killing many people and burned many buildings. we begin with the major development in the hunter biden