I go to her, hey, do you want a doughnut . She goes, oh, im not really hungry right now. I was like, thats not how doughnuts work. [ laughter ] what, are you going to wait until your stomach growls . Nobody does that. This is america. You eat until your heart gives out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i punished my daughter a few weeks ago. I took her phone away for three days because she was being mean to siri. [ laughter ] and the transformation in her was unbelievable. Like, yes, the first day she just laid on the floor crying, but once she got over the shakes, she [ laughter ] she got up, she looked around, she started liking things in real life. She doubletapped the dog. [ laughter ] she was like, mom, lets go to the park. Mom, lets go to the library. Mom, lets play in the creek, but i just gave her her phone back. [ laughter ] [ applause ] so, im married, and this is the sadder part of the show. [ laughter ] i wish somebody had told me before i got married how much yelling i
According to a reports, President Trump will release his 1. 5 trillion infrastructure plan on monday. Apparently, he wants to take the weekend to practice saying infrastructure. [ light laughter ] infinpuncture [ light laughter ] instadenture ill get it, ill have it. Ill have it by monday. President trump said yesterday it was treasonous that democrats didnt clap during his recent state of the union address. I dont think it was that bad, said melania. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth white house chief of staff john kelley said today that some undocumented immigrants who are eligible for the Daca Immigration Program were quote too lazy to get off their asses and sign up. You tell them john, said his boss between cheeseburger naps. [ light laughter ] the Dow Jones Industrial average dropped over 1100 points yesterday. Sell, sell, sell said trump, when asked where hed be in a year. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] after the Dow Jones Industrial average suffered its
[ light laughter ] according to a reports, President Trump will release his 1. 5 trillion infrastructure plan on monday. Apparently, he wants to take the weekend to practice saying infrastructure. [ light laughter ] infinpuncture [ light laughter ] instadenture ill get it, ill have it. Ill have it by monday. President trump said yesterday it was treasonous that democrats didnt clap during his recent state of the union address. I dont think it was that bad, said melania. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth white house chief of staff john kelley said today that some undocumented immigrants who are eligible for the Daca Immigration Program were quote too lazy to get off their asses and sign up. You tell them john, said his boss between cheeseburger naps. [ light laughter ] the Dow Jones Industrial average dropped over 1100 points yesterday. Sell, sell, sell said trump, when asked where hed be in a year. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] after the Dow Jones Industrial av
Thank you. Have a good time. [ laughter ] seth which means its time for another installment of i cant. Seth i just they it was a [ laughter ] youre the president. [ laughter ] i cant. [ cheers and applause ] seth thats right. President trump visited puerto rico today, and boy, was he surprised when he asked to speak to their president. [ laughter ] what . You have a donald trump too . [ laughter ] i want to meet him. Maybe he also hates his job. [ light laughter ] President Trump visited puerto rico today, where he met with hurricane survivors. We love you, donald, said a banner he brought from home. [ laughter ] politico has published a new profile on Robert Mueller and the ongoing russia investigation. We have one reporter saying that asking mueller for inside information would be like asking him to watch a porn movie with you. Ill watch a porn movie with you, said ted cruz. [ laughter ] we dont even have to sit on the same couch. [ laughter and applause ] according to reports, offic
Were going to help you out. Thank you. Have a good time. [ laughter ] seth which means its time for another installment of i cant. Seth i just they it was a [ laughter ] youre the president. [ laughter ] i cant. [ cheers and applause ] seth thats right. President trump visited puerto rico today, and boy, was he surprised when he asked to speak to their president. [ laughter ] what . You have a donald trump too . [ laughter ] i want to meet him. Maybe he also hates his job. [ light laughter ] President Trump visited puerto rico today, where he met with hurricane survivors. We love you, donald, said a banner he brought from home. [ laughter ] politico has published a new profile on Robert Mueller and the ongoing russia investigation. We have one reporter saying that asking mueller for inside information would be like asking him to watch a porn movie with you. Ill watch a porn movie with you, said ted cruz. [ laughter ] we dont even have to sit on the same couch. [ laughter and applause ]