[ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. Hello. [ cheers and applause wow. Thats very nice thank you. Thank you very, very much. Please, please welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the tonight show. Youre here, you made it thank you for being here you look good. [ cheers and applause you guys, we got a great show. Jennifer garner is here tonight. [ cheers and applause steve oh jimmy Jim Jefferies is here [ cheers and applause and weve got music from Megan Thee Stallion. [ cheers and applause oh, my goodness. She is huge right now with her hit hot girl summer. [ cheers ] although after seeing joe biden and Bernie Sanders at tonights debate, it feels more like old man fall. [ laughter ] tonight was the third democratic debate, and i read that the candidates were all warned not to swear during the debate and it got weird when bernie was like, and what about nudity . [ laughter ] yeah, tonight was the third democratic debate and i heard that the candidate
[ light laughter ] probrexit politician Boris Johnson was officially elected today to become the uks next prime minister. Great. In 70 years, the uk has gone from Winston Churchill to a roady for spinal tap [ light laughter ] President Trump continued his attacks on minority congresswomen today tweeting the quote, aoc plus three are a nightmare for america. Although technically for trump, anything that involves math is a nightmare. [ laughter and applause aoc plus three, how do you how do you add letters to a number . Several bars in washington, d. C. Will open early tomorrow so people can watch special counsel Robert Muellers congressional testimony. So by dinnertime, youll be just like the mueller report, mostly blacked out. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new poll, despite senator Elizabeth Warren having a 67 approval rating, just 4 of voters say they see her as likable. Now, lets see what happens when we change her name to Warren Elizabeth oh [ laughter ] okay thats very i
For example, me, im on a diet also me, ketchup is a vegetable, right oh, right so like, me, my tv show carnival row is out now. Also me, my movie the outpost is coming out soon jimmy no, no, no more like me, uh the summer is too hot. Also me, uh the winter is too cold ah, right so me, i played the sexy elf in lord of the rings. Also me, i played the sexy pirate in pirates of the caribbean right jimmy no me, im a sophisticated, mature adult. Also me, i wish they showed saturday morning cartoons all of the other days and times too. Me, im engaged to katy perry also me, katy perry is beautiful, and i love her. Jimmy me, i hate it when people are inconsiderate at the workplace. Also me, does anybody mind if i reheat my fish in the microwave . Me, im a goodwill ambassador for the Charity Organization unicef. Also me, unicef does important work in over 190 countries to save the lives of children jimmy no, no, no, no, no look its me, im trying to look at my phone less. Also me, oh look, i jus
This is humiliating. Let me just tell you. No, no, no. We will get this before the credits roll. Is it steve bulloc scooby dooby doo, where are you . Its the late show live, with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes jeff daniels and katy tur and Jacob Soboroff featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen wooo live, baby cheers and applause wooo thank you, my friend. Hello hello, all my dear friend. Good to see you out there. Jon, good to see you. How is it going, sparkles . You doing good . Thank you for being here. Audience stephen stiffen stephen. Stephen i feel exactly the same way. cheers and applause soaked in electric gasoline. You can feel it. You can feel it. Its coming up. Its coming up. Please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. We are live, after night one. cheers and applause piano riff aft
I know the h1b. I know the h2b. Nobody knows it better than me. A lot of people dont realize abraham lincoln, the great abraham lincoln, was a republican. laughter i love the poorly educated laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, not so sharpie plus, stephen welcomes vooip joe biden. And musical guest pixies. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello how are you . Jon please have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The big story the big story continues to be hurrican dorian, which, as we speak, is churning towards my home town of charleston, south carolina, which is under a mandatory evacuation. I hope everyone down there stays safe. Dorian devastated the bahamas over the weekend. And we all want to help, so last night, i talked to our friend Chef Jose Andres of world