[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh my goodness, thank you very much, i love you oh, i love you please have a seat thank you very much. I love you welcome, relax, enjoy yourself welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Thank you so much for being here thank you for watching at home you guys [ cheers and applause im very excited about this. It chapter 2 comes out this weekend. [ cheers ] when they heard that, actual clowns were like, oh, come on i was just starting to get work again. I mean come on [ laughter ] lets get to some news here. I read that President Trump promised that if hes reelected, hell build 500 miles of border wall yep, and if hes not reelected hell just draw a wall with a sharpie. [ laughter ] but this is odd. [ light laughter ] i didnt do it. Thats the way the wall was. [ laughter ] but this is odd right here, the Trump Administration Just Announced that theyre rolling back efficiency standards for lightbulbs it was a confusi
Times a year to check out the smoke alarm in the greenroom. Also, jim gaffigan and dave salmony is here. He brought a menagerie of creatures, including a striped skunk. I think its a skunk, either that, or im smelling snoops dressing room. He also brought what is called a great alligator turtle. I googled it. It should be fighting mothra in japan. Theres dave right there. Hey, dave, whats this animal . This is a finnic fox whose name is bob. Jimmy bob the fox. Does he know how many Instagram Likes he could get . Anything cute like this, he gets lots of likes. Jimmy thats dave salmony. You know, President Trump took a field trip to bask in the glow of workers at a petrochemicals plant. He was there to talk energy. And of course immediately steered the conversation from energy to himself. And we make a lot of jokes about this president , but its important to remember just how much hes sacrificed for the good of us. This thing is costing me a fortune being president. Somebody said oh, he
Run for mayor of dildo. They dont have a mayor. They dont seem to want a mayor because theyre not having an election for mayor. But local polls show me leading 5248. Bad news is i am leading no one by 4 . I dispatched an advance team. They went 4,000 miles and led by close and mosttrusted adviser guillermo, we will hear from him in dildo moments from now. This is the time of year when we offer people walking past our studio the floppertunity to take their clothes off. We have a pool in the back of our theater. Memories are just waiting to be made. This is the 14th summer, 14 years ago, a mysterious voice told me, if you build it, they will flop. And we did. Lets go to cousin sal, sal, by the way, i want to mention, [cheers and applause] has his own show on fox sports 1 called lock it in, a sports gambling show. Theyll probably cancel it. Jimmy your gambling problem paid off in a big way. Have you found someone on the street we can bet on . I have. Lets bet on some bellies. Jimmy very g
Theyre a band of boys from south korea. Theyre very popular. Some people have been camping out for five days, which is sad, really, more than anything. Its because they showed up last night, theyd still be in the front row. Theres no need, but anyway, monsta x is a super popular group. The names, im sorry if i mispronounce. Show hh the larrys not one of the guys. One of the things about this band, they wear a lot of makeup. We thought it would be fun to ask the guys to do an monsta x extreme makeover on a member of our staff. So we picked a member randomly of our staff. And they gathered around, and wow, wait until you see how quickly they did this. Its almost some kind of tv magic. Now here he is. Come on in, guillermo, lets see how you look. [cheers and applause] jimmy you look fantastic. [cheers and applause] jimmy you look like a female, you remember when bugs bunny would dress as a woman . Yeah. Jimmy and elmer fudd would try to have sex with him . Thats you. My god. Jimmy speakin
Run for mayor of dildo. They dont have a mayor. They dont seem to want a mayor because theyre not having an election for mayor. But local polls show me leading 5248. Bad news is i am leading no one by 4 . I dispatched an advance team. They went 4,000 miles and led by close and mosttrusted adviser guillermo, we will hear from him in dildo moments from now. This is the time of year when we offer people walking past our studio the floppertunity to take their clothes off. We have a pool in the back of our theater. Memories are just waiting to be made. This is the 14th summer, 14 yearsi years ago, a mysterious voice told me, if you build it, they will flop. And we did. Lets go to cousin sal, sal, by the way, i want to mention, [cheers and applause] has his own show on fox sports 1 called lock it in, a sports gambling show. Theyll probably cancel it. Jimmy your gambling problem paid off in a big way. Have you found someone on the street we can bet on . I have. Lets bet on some bellies. Jimmy