Out of town, get rushed through dinner at a restaurant and then on to the most popular sexual position of all, obligatory. If youre smart, youll do what i do on valentines. You dont have to make a big deal out of it, you dont have to spend a lot of money. Just hand your wife a single rose and say this means you get to stay. I thought you loved the bachelor this is something i learned today. You know those little candy hearts that have the messages on them that taste like a mixture between rubber and chalk . Originally, they were called wedding candies. Now we call them sweethearts. They were invented by a man in the mid1800s by a man named d d chel cha daniel chase, who invented a machine that stamped messages on the hearts, but the messages in the 1800s, were different, your blanket has pox, richmond has fallen, trains been blown up. Bear ate little joe. Youre my favorite prostitute and cobblepot. The cobblepot talk got people going back then. Former White House Press Secretary Sean S
Dont you people watch the crown . The royals are my life youre a bunch of monsters theme song playing announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, the more you know, plus stephen welcomes senator Bernie Sanders and penn badgley, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen come on hey welcome back its perfect its perfect who i think its the right thing to do, actually. Wow. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Please, have a seat. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thank you for that. I need it tonight. Some days the news is frustrating. And by some days, i mean every day for the last three years. But today is especially irksome. I am fully irked. Trump is really irking me off. See, its been a couple days the worlds sphincter is finally unclenching. Now, with the perspective of time, we can ask, was any of this lega
Quote, prepared to commit war crimes. Well, thats not really fair, he doesnt prepare for anything [ ht willing to commit war crimes maybe. [ laughter ] senator Bernie Sanders is reportedly considering using private jets to fly to early primary states during president trumps impeachment trial before returning to washington to resume work in the morning. Do you know how crazy that is . Bernie sanders might have to use a private jet. This is a guy who thinks even boarding group b is for the 1 [ laughter ] [ applause ] ill be back with group d. According to the latest numbers former Vice President joe biden spent 11 days in iowa last month. It was only supposed to be a weekend but he got lost in a corn maze. [ laughter and applause republican congressman paul gosar is facing criticism after sharing a photoshopped image of former president obama posing with the president of iran on twitter with the caption, the world is a better place without these guys in power. Though if i were paul gosar
The sequel to top gun. So what . Heres something i realized over this break. Kids dont know theres money anymore. Theyve seen it, but they dont know what its for, because we buy everything on the phone and the computer. They dont see anything change hands. They just see hands. My daughter is 5 years old, shes playing with my ipad, and these criminals who make these apps for kids. Its not enough you pay for the app. They have addons, too. Its a neverending money hole. If you want the puppy to have a pink hat, its an extra 2. 99. Not only do they have addons but a monthly charge. If your kids in the middle of a game and they want to keep going you have to subscribe and pay every month. And good luck trying to cancel it. Its like trying to find a Blockbuster Video store. Its impossible. Five times i tried to cancel this unicorn shep app, a stupid app where a horse makes cake. My daughter played this once a year ago. 36 later, im still paying for it. I dont know how to cancel it. I had to
United states today. This is what he tweeted this afternoon. This will give you a sense of whats going on. I just got impeached for making a perfect phone call i only wish i could have been there when he pounded that out. When he mashed those stumpy pink little thumbs into his phone like he was killing little bugs or something. This is by the way is what hes tweeting before the trial starts. I think we have a lot to look forward to. The impeachment trial starts tuesday. And there are specific rules for how this will go. Last time it happened no one had phones. This time senators will not be allowed to use their phones during the trial. And they will have to stand when they cast votes which as bill deal. For a lot of these senators this will be the first time theyve ever stood for anything. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy today it all began thank you. Chief Justice John Roberts was sworn in today by the Senate President pro tem, who did not make me feel optimistic about the r