[ cheering and applause ] greg: yes! all right. Okay. [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: i guess that will do! (laughter). Greg: it is friday, so you know what that means, let's welcome tonight's guest, he is so bland, he is getting sued by rice cakes. Cohost of fox and friends, tyro! he is a lawyer named trustie, like a cop named friskie. Former trump attorney, and doj prosecutor. If you bont buy her new book, she will have to learn how to cook, a fox news contributor, kat. He is stronger than gravity, and puts up with my dipravity! [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: yes. Yes. All right. Before we get to some new stories, let's to this: [ ♪♪ ] greg's leftovers. Greg: all right, it is leftovers, where i read the jokes we didn't use this week. And as always, it is my first time making them. The movie beetle juice beetle juice opens in theatres today, about a dead guy that wants to return to the land of the living. (laughter). Greg: that's a blot that sounds really familiar. [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: set it up! set it up. [ applause ]. Greg: hunter biden faces 17 years in prison over his tax evasion case. 17 years. . . Which means if he goes to jail, he may never see his next girlfriend grow up. (laughter). Greg: i am proud of that one. Joe biden has finally admitted that the inflation reduction act has nothing to do with inflation, it was a climate bill. But in this rare moment of honesty, he says he only calls his wife a doctor so she will remove whatever is stuck in his ass. (laughter). Greg: yeah. It has been 72 hours since cnn announced it was bringing back brian stelter, and their bathroom custodian has committed suicide. (laughter). Greg: this week, kamala harris received two ringing endorsements from vladimir putin and liz chaney. I like that they have her name there. So you don't get confused. I bet you didn't know that vladimir and liz had so much in common. But here is vlad and liz in happier times. Oh, gloves are off today. You are bare knuckle fighting tonight. Greg: yeah. Yeah. This week, kamala harris went to debate camp where one of her goals is to show the difference between her and joe biden. To do this her team will acknowledge joe biden's grandchild. Yeah, stings! coldblooded. Greg: a new study shows florida is the most fun state to visit in the u. S. ! [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: gotta believe it has something to do with all the hot chicks! [ cheering and applause ]. Hey, that's my base. That's my base. Greg: george clooney compared joe biden to george washington. Joe biden compared george clooney to george wilkes booth. A marketing firm admits to using your own phone to listen in on your conversations, but stopped after they listened to one depressing man's conversations almost forced the can p to shut down. We go to that mine live for comment. (laughter). Saw that one! greg: it was like a frisbee in the desert, you could see it 10 miles a way. Kamala harris is proposing a new tax break that will help entrepreneurs small start business. That will help young women that want to become nannies, says her husband. (laughter). Greg: a new study shows that owning a pet won't you happier, so that's why kamala harris has already returned tim walz. Joe biden says that the secret service won't let him interact with crowds any more, because it is too dangerous. Not for joe but the crowd who risk getting pooped on. (laughter). Greg: finally, a new study says that doing high intensity workouts can reduce premature ejaculation. In other words, jesse watters bought a stairclimber. Greg: let's do the news. All right on thursday hunter biden pleaded guilty to nine charges stemming from failure to pay more than a million dollars in taxes. But before the guilty plea, he wanted to enter a plea that allows a defendant to acknowledge there is enough evidence to convict without admitting guilt. So translation, hunter, who is a lawyer by the way, wanted to maintain his innocence while pleading guilty. That's like having your crack and eating it too. (laughter). Greg: which i am sure that hunter has done up the butt of a romanian sex worker. Who hasn't? (laughter). Greg: only two people raised their hands. Kat didn't. Hunter's effort failed and he ended up pleading guilty, and he will be sentenced in september. Hopefully his dad pardons him. If you expect that i would be happy, you would be right. I am happy. But not over this plea. I am happy because it is friday night. And larry is back stage in his shortie robe peeling me a big bowl of grapes. But i don't feel joy about hunter getting whacked about taxes. I pay the government more money than nancy pelosi spends on her face. (laughter). Greg: that's a lot. [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: that's a lot, people. But also, i love hunter. He makes me feel good about myself. I have done some crazy [ bleep ] in my life. But i never banged my dead brother's wife. (crowd saying ohhh). Greg: not yet. And i have never been paid by a ukranian party, except to strip at their holiday party. I also never failed to pull out of a stripper. Which was never an issue at chip and dales. And i never pretended my kid wasn't mine. I just left him in the woods to be raised by bats. But hinter did do something amazing for this show, he gave us a legitimate reason for talking about whores and blow, because it is news. Who we care if it wasn't joe biden's kid. It is a fair question. And i don't feel comfortable being like the creeps on the other side who hunt us for criminal reasons. A spokesperson for the manhattan u. S. Attorney's office admits what we already new, the hush money case against trump was nothing more than engaging in lawfare to boost his political image. Watch. He did nothing to stop the council running. . [ indiscernible ] did that backfire? it sure did. They were just out to get him. [ text on screen ]. Greg: thank god for the secret hidden vagina cam. (laughter). Greg: now, that dude in the video told the new york post, he said all of that in private to a stranger that he was trying to impress, which makes sense. It is the oldest trick in the book. If you want to get something from someone, you put on a thong and pretend you are interested. That's how i got this job. [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: but his confession is also true. We knew this was real and it pisses all of us off, and it should. But zo we want to be like them, scumbags that prosecute people for political purposes. Hunter would bang anything that breathes and shares, but i don't want to hunt democrats, even if democrats hunt people like me. Of course, hunter should go to jail for crimes, especially if you would go to jail for the very same thing. No one is above the law. As hunter's dad loves to say. But to be happy about hunter pleading guilty because he is a democrat means we are no better than the goons that have weaponized the justice system. All trump did was commit the crime of winning. Todd, people often forget and for good reason that you are a lawyer. True. Greg: i don't know where your life went wrong but that's for a whole other show. What do you make about his change of heart, what is he trying to accomplish here, hunter biden? a couple of things. This was an an attempt, a final attempt to avoid accountability, which he has been able to do his entire life. He was not able to do it in this circumstance. And the whole approach he had was, i need to do this for my family so i even though i didn't do anything wrong, i am going to plead guilty for my family. You know why this backfired at the end of the day, if you care about your family, how about acknowledging a little girl who is your daughter, first and foremost. But from a legal perspective, why did he ultimately have to cave and plead guilty, the law and the facts two really good reasonings that were completely lined up against him. They had him dead to rights. But the big issue and we have not talked about it today. The timing. This is more about the calendar than it is the law. He knew if he pled guilty right now, his team with the judge could get a sentencing in december, december is the perfect month for him, one month after the election, one month before dad leaves office. Despite joe protestation that he is not going to pardon or commute hunter, he would do crazy stuff for his kids, he is going to be pardoned. Greg: all right. Well done, todd. You almost sounded like you went to law school. I fooled them. Greg: did you go to a real law school. The university of california at los angeles, ucla. Greg: oh, wow. The bruins. There we go, four people! greg: it is not usc. Jim, electrical to the show first time. Hope you are doing okay over there. Sitting next to todd, i know he smells. You were one of trump's lawyers. When you see the secret video, is that going to have any impact at all. It is infuriating, but does it matter? no. I mean not for the court purposes. For the court of public opinion, sure. It is a gaff, because you accidently spoke the truth. You don't have to be a lawyer or even the esteemed level of todd at usc or wherever. Greg: it is ucla. A at my correspondence law school i learned (laughter). No, he is going to get a pardon, that's the safest bet in the world. But in terms of lawfare, i testified in congress, and as someone who was a prosecutor for 27 years, i have never seen anything like it across the board. It is inventing crimes when there is not a crime. And we call this the hush money trail. We are calling it legal activity case. So i see these things from a systemic point of view. And i think this guy just admitted the obvious. You have prosecutors that are politicians at heart. That are announcing, i will find a way to prosecute this person and they are doing it. And you don't have to be a lawyer to realize there is fundamentally wrong with that, that we are turning the system up side down. The more attention we can give to that the better. The system is broken when you say that you are going to get donald trump at all costs and that's what they are doing. Greg: yeah. Chilling, chilling. All right. We have kind of two topics here. It is a bigger topic, an umbrella topic, if you will. Are you sad or happy or chagrinned about hunter? i mean greg: you remembered to breathe. Well, there is so much else going on. (laughter). Another reason that he might have done this is because the trial could be embarrassing. This is in the news right now basically once. And whenever he is sentenced, that's in the news. The trial would be in the news everyday. That's what i see when i watch dateline. Dateline is why go to law school when you can watch dateline. I saw an alfred plea once, and i didn't have to google it. Greg: can you cite the case? there are several of them. Where would i begin? but also, you know, i really liked what you said about, how it is not you shouldn't be happy because there is someone on the other side, and kind of look at the case for what it is, i agree with hunter that paying taxes sucks. The difference is that i still do it. Greg: yeah. And part of the reason why it comes off hypocritical, his dad is talking about fair share this, fair share that, judging other people for being upset about paying taxes, who his own son, who he says is the smartest guy he knows was apparently not bothering. Greg: exactly. That's where it comes from. And it is probably to avoid more negative press. Greg: hm, all right, tyrus. The brag stuff pisses me off. I would love to get into that. But there were some besmurchmentes in your monologue, with the lighting and the music, it is harder to pull out after stripper than you realize. Greg: why did they take your single? i mean one of my kids will find out. You were made at penitentiaryhouse, sweetheard penthouse sweetheart. It happens. It is hard for me to talk [ bleep ] about a guy, i raised my kid that was born at the strip house. Thank god she doesn't watch the show. (laughter). We talked about this yesterday, this was the panic button that was hit yesterday. Hunter is no dummy, dad can't remember, so they are going we need to get this done now, because there is a general fear she is not going to win. They felt pretty confident, but they felt when he did that interview with the new york economist yesterday, i think that and i think what is your next move, vp. They can't do that. And that group, all they care about is money. There was no polarization, there was no, are you a racist, it was, how can i protect my money. And they handled it at a high level. Hunter says, he is falling on his sword. You are killing yourself after you stabbed everyone else. There is no reason to fall on your sword. Greg: i would not touch his sword. No. And who would want to? but what bothers me the most, as a father, if this was my child, i would say, i am going to pardon my kid. Everyone here would do it. Own it. Because you are going to do it. Greg: yeah. Or the fix is in and he is going to get a big fine because they have no problem paying. That is money from us anyway. Either way, it is win, win. Greg: win, win. Let's move on. Will voters excuse the ap's fake news? good job, jen. How do you keep your teeth so white with all the coffee you drink? my secret lumineux whitening strips. I mean, that is white. And because there's no sensitivity, i feel like i can use them more often. And you can get this at walmart or target. Greg: why you don't hate the media enough. [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: thank you. The associated press turn facts into a mess, so here is jd vance for the school shooting in georgia. I don't like that this is a fact of life. But if you are a psycho, and you want to make headlines, you realize that the schools are soft targets. And we have to bolster security at the schools. Greg: that's pretty straightforward, right? here is a headline, the ap pub accomplished on x. He says that school shootings are a fact of life. Calls for better security. You see what he did there, they left out the didn't like part but what would you expect from the people that say, donald trump says, i am not talking about white supremacists and nazis. They left out the i am not talking about. Meanwhile, the harris campaign repeated the false headline to attack vance and trump. There is little question that the ap or the harris campaign knew exactly what they were doing. I wonder how ap would feel about it how it happened to them. A headline might say ap is against lying to people. But you know, take away the against, you have a whole different meaning! and one that is the truth. All right, the doj come out, they were talking about misinformation. Misinformation is the thing that the dems keep railing on. And anything about that, it is anything they disagree with. Shouldn't the doj be investigating the ap. It is our media that really has mastered misinformation. Yeah. Greg: they are applauding my question, and i would too. This is the age of disinformation. You know, it is amazing that every mistake in the media tracks in one direction. Greg: mmhmm. Somehow president trump is hitler, not anyone else. There are errors like this, errors in quotes. So objective journalism with greg gutfeld excluded seems to be dead. It is time to revisit the standard for public figures. It makes it hard for a public figure to sue for defamation. If we don't have prosecution, and i am not a fan of criminalizing poor speech, even if it is free, but if we don't have prosecution, we should have some avenue for readdressing to start to rail these people in. Greg: i kind of agree. I am defamed regularly, but i also defame regularly. Right. You are what we call the full employment act for lawyers. It is going to work out well. Greg: yes. Yes. On the one hand someone will call me a nazi, and i will talk about brian stelter being fat until my head explodes. What is worse? kat? i can take it from here. (laughter). It is fried. I honestly think that the harris campaign needs to go out, and as the kids say, touch grass. Because the fact they hear something like this and think it is plausible that jd vance would say that school shootings, yeah, not a big deal is crazy. It proves that you are we are so divided at this point that people are living outside of reality. So i think what these people need to do is meet a republican. Greg: yeah. Meet a republican, get to know a republican. I have criticized jd vance on plenty of things, and i will continue to do so when it is warranted but if i see something where he says, it is kind of part of life where a school gets shot up, i would do further investigating because that seems unreasonable. You need to know more people not in your own little bubble because you are living outside of reality. Greg: your point is, tyrus, the ap hopes you don't read the story and assume the worst intent of the person that you are talking about. So they just hope you assume it is true. The campaign for the democrats is the ap. The disgusting thing is that children and two teachers lost their lives in another shooting again. The conversation shouldn't have been what jd said, it is what are we not saying. This has to stop. This has to stop. The vice president of the united states, lady. We make every month banks will have new security techniques, new things to look for, because they assume at some point, someone is going to rob them. That's why they stay up to protect our money. To borrow it from us and not pay us back but that's a different thing. They are always changing. Why don't they say, we don't give a [ bleep ] about your kids. One side blames guns. No one the other side wants to blame people. You will send $20 billion to another country. It is open market with the kids. When this stuff happens, we so care about our actual citizens and our actual people that we will argue over trying to spin a talking point instead of saying like when are we going to start using our own military to protect our children, our police officers are disrespected, they are undervalued, and here is the deal. You need people who are trained to look for people who want to commit harm, who better than our men and women who serve in this country. We have so many veterans coming home. I mean, we have space force how about school force? greg: yeah. If you want to tax us over everything, how about taxes that make the school like a bank. That's all i ask. Greg: yeah, yes. That's all i ask. [ applause ]. Greg: you know who would come out against that, kamala harris, because she was against having security officers or police in schools. Yeah. Greg: and it was a security officer that rened reduce the greater damage in this last shooting. No one misrepresents you, todd. You do a fine job of that yourself. From 5 to 6 every morning on fox and friends. Greg: isn't it interesting to see how the friends and the media work together on every story. And like jim says, it only works in one direction. We need to be clear on what is going on here. The harris walz campaign have a tactic, it is called lying, they are hoping that the truth doesn't come up. They are aided by allies in the media. Project 2025, crime is down, the border is secure. These are lies. When a headline appears, the average person is reading the headline and hears that. They are not seeing the article and seeing the correction. Trump and vance need to be on guard for this, especially when it comes to the debates. But secondary, to your point, and your point tyrus. Greg: what about my speech. Vance said in this speech, we need to hardin schools. Kamala harris is scared of that. They say cops in schools care kids, you know who scares kids and parents, their kid getting shot. They couldn't give trump a win here, so they lied. Greg: all right! todd. Fox said you wouldn't last, but i said they were wrong. Will nfl fans will miffed when it is all about swift? [ cheering and applause ] now i have skyrizi. ♪ i've got places to go and i'm feeling free ♪ ♪ control of my crohn's means everything to me ♪ ♪ control is everything to me ♪ and now i'm back in the picture. Feel significant symptom relief at 4 weeks with skyrizi, including less abdominal pain and fewer bowel movements. 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Greg: okay, but then taylor swift and travis kelce hold hands after the chiefs opening win. The win is the last part of the sentence. This is my favourite, taylor swift celebrates chiefs season opener with thigh high red boots. How pumped are you that this is all we are going to hear? it beats election coverage, but it is we are not going to get away from this. I am a little bit upset, because i always have wanted to get into taylor swift, and i feel like i should have been able to. Greg: no. I feel like i should have been able to. I feel like, i have a cat, you know. I have cried with the cat, alone for a decade. (laughter). I feel like that should have been the time, you know i would have found some fellowship with the taylor swift with the swifties as they are called. But people are into it. That's why they are doing it, people want to read it. The swifties are going to come after you if they see this. Greg: come after me, swifties, i will give you my address. They will say things to you that will make you wish you were never born. Greg: hm, what if i enjoy that? you are definitely on the right treak. Greg: do you believe, kat tyrus no it is okay. I know that i gained some weight, but, please. Mahomies. . . Greg: is there really an audience at the new york post for this? oh, yes. There is a huge audience for a successful woman that still supports her man, yes! (laughter). The message. Greg: all right. Todd, you watch sports. I do. Greg: i think. I do. Greg: this mahomies character. . . He is pretty good. Greg: are they going to last. Here is my question, aren't we all secretly hoping they break up, and this is just a big build up for the big fall, the big i wouldn't go that far. Here is what is really going on here. The nfl knows this is the last year to milk this. Because last night, travis kelce was not the best tight end on the field. This could be his final year, what is going to happen, he is going to go off in the sunset, do the podcast, making millions, hanging out with his brother which is a dream job. Greg: there you go. That was a long ride. But you got there, and i brought you home tyrus. Greg: jim, i have a legal question for you. When taylor and i dated, no one knew. I said don't write any songs about us, because you know, i love and then i leave. I knew it was going to end. Is there a question? there is often not. Greg: is it wise for celebrities to parade their romance, because sooner or later there is a lawsuit and it turns ugly. They feel like everything has to be public. Taylor and i kept it quiet for a long time. And i used to wear the red thigh high boots, but. . . [ cheering and applause ] greg: i could see you in the boots. I will see you in the boots. (laughter). I am in hell. (laughter). No, the thought that i would be talking about the corporate merger between taylor swift and the nfl, all i want is a piece of the legal action, the rest of it i would love to turn off. I am a red skin fan, so i am so offended by chiefs. On behalf of the native americans, there is a little tear here, so i think they have to be banned and publicly shamed for being called chiefs. Greg: they should rename the chiefs to the swifts. Or the taylors. The kansas city taylors, that. It is not that, it is the kansas city mahomies, that's the name! let's get that hashtag mahomies going tonight online. Greg: coming up, we lampoon a pizza eating bafoon. Your memory is an amazing thing, but sometimes it can start to slow down. But did you know prevagen can help keep your memory sharp? the secret is the powerful ingredient, apoaequorin, originally discovered in jellyfish and found only in prevagen. In a clinical study, prevagen was shown to improve memory in subgroups of individuals who were cognitively normal or mildly impaired. Stay sharp and improve your memory with prevagen. Prevagen. In stores everywhere without a prescription. Greg: you will want to die after seeing this douche bag ruin a pizza pie. This video of the day comes from bill deblazzio, the worst mayor ever. This jack ass posted a picture of himself, crust first, sprinkled with coconut to promote kamala harris for president. Brace yourself. Greg: yuk. No wonder his wife let him. And everybody else. Tyrus, the coconut reference to kamala, fallen out of the coconut tree. Wow, they really stretched that one. Greg: why does this man still exists? this coconut on a pizza, eating it backwards is weird to me, but not the weirdest thing that i have seen before. When i think of things like this, i think of things that just make you uncomfortable. Like i have a slide show. That's uncomfortable, two hot dogs and one bun. Next slide please. And the weirdest thing that i have seen in my entire life watching my homie. A little preparation for today. Greg: todd, i imagine you relate to that clip, because you are used to eating alone at restaurants. 100 percent. It is my process. How i get ready for the show. Three things on this, kamala is like, dude, bro, this is not helping. Second, i grew up in northern new jersey. This is called pizzons for kamala. You try to put coconut on your pizza in essex county, they will give you a what for if you will. And which is the weird party again? i am going with jazz hands walz and coconut bill. Greg: yes! [ cheering and applause ]. Greg: this guy, jim, singlehandedly destroyed new york. You have insane people on the streets because you can't arrest them. The cops are handcuffed at every turn. I mean i have no question. The defence rests. (laughter). Greg: what do you make of this? you won your case. When i first saw it, i was like, where do i get these 10 seconds back, that was horrendous. No one does what he is doing, and what kind of talent are they trying to draw on. This person is radioactive for new york, to be your pizza spokesperson. Beyond that, i am stuck on jazz hands too with my friend from cal state fullerton, they tried to trot out the trial balloon of those guys are weird, like we are in third grade, and then w walzwaltzing on the stage, waving to inadvisable friends. And just for my invisible friends. And just for my friends, they don't need to hear any policy positions they are like that douche bag is a weirdo. Greg: kat, clean it up for us. This was a call back to him eating pizza with a knife and fork in 2019. As if anyone remembers that. Greg: and he killed a ground hog. But 2019, that was when turn down for what came out, we were all drunk. The caption below said, i am hungry, i will eat pizza today. He tries to be relatable. You are not. Just be your weird self. Greg: he ran for president, that was funny. Maybe it wasn't. Viewer mail, next. [ cheering and applause ] i grew up shopping here, and now i love bringing my family here to gear up for all of our adventures together. And now, bass pro shops club members enjoy special savings and earn points toward free gear, which is rewarding when buying what you need for your next adventure. Spending time outdoors with the ones you love, sharing memories and making new ones. . . That's an earnhardt family tradition that i'm proud to carry on. . Yep, you are watching mail it in. Greg: time for one question. Traveller one asked, if you were forced to choose, would you rather be a little bit younger and a little bit dumber, or a little bit older and a little bit smarter, todd. Young and dumber, without a doubt! yeah. Because i would love to have that ignorance that would allow me to do stupid things like jump out after plane. Now i know, you can die jumping out of a plane. So i would like to be free and not really care. Greg: wow, that's a that's really uplifting. (laughter). I am here to bring joy. Greg: yeah, you are. I don't have a lot of room to get older. (laughter). I guess it is good they are laughing, actually. But i would have to go young and dumber, but man when i was really young, i was super dumb. So this is incarceration time if i go too far. Greg: yes, exactly! tyrus? no. No. No. I would rather be a little bit older and smarter. If i was younger and dumber i would have like 14 kids, so, yeah. Greg: kat? dumber. Maybe older and dumber. (laughter). It would be good if i didn't know how to turn on a phone. What problem could i possibly have. Greg: it is true. All problems come from your phone. Greg: yes, it is true. That's true. Do we have time for another one? no. We dont have time for another one. That sucks. We are just getting started. We have time to pour one out for the homeies. [ cheering and applause ] we will be right back. 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