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This would also include some punishment. It would include 100 hours of community service, an Education Course about prostitution, and a screening for stds. [laughter] a screening for stds . Like, what is all of this . Rich people get deals that ive never heard of. Admit you would have been found guilty and well let you go . [bleep] outta here, man [laughter] at least make him admit it in a room full of eagles fans, then well see some punishment, you know . This is insane well only let you go if youre guilty what . Like, rich people are already living in another world. And also, he has to take an Education Course about prostitution . [laughter] uh, if youve read the reports, he should be the professor, okay . [laughter] the guy has handson experience, if you know what i mean. The College Admissions scandal. For th ....
The United States to misspell his own name. Lashing out at google, and he tweeted, they suppressed negative stories on Hillary Clinton and boosted stories on donald ttump. I guess when your fingers are covered with dipping sauce it happens. But how do you misspell your name . I have to believe that if Sarah Huckabee sanders was still alive, god rest her soul, she would be out on the lawn shouting that his name is and always has been donald ttump and we were too fake news to know it. Trump was at the white house watching tv. In the two and a half years hes been in office, do you know how many days hes spent at his golf clubs . 198 days. You know how much these golf trip the cost us, the taxpayers . 110 million. They estimate 40 million on the airplane, and 50 million on the red lights that keep the cheeseburgers tan. I wi ....
But the reality is, some of us dont even get a look at the basket. Because theres nothing more expensive. Than being broke. Wow. That was beautiful. Hmm. Sometimes in court, i actually learn something, feel something. Today is one of those days. 60 days in jail, sentence suspended based on time served. Go home. But i had a clean record. I dont care. But i do, your honor. [ crowd gasping ] before you render judgment, i have one thing i have to say. Nay, two things. Firstly, i bested adam bethune in a tennis match. Take that, Bethune Bethune the buffoon mr. Gayle . If yall knew him, yall would be dying right now. Secondly, my former client inspired me with his words earlier today that were, my life is on the line, homey i aint say no shit like that. It was something in that vein. Heres the point. It reminded me of a previous case where someone elses life was on the line colby v. Hughes. Oh, jesus. Thats right. Prosecution failed to ....
Times a year to check out the smoke alarm in the greenroom. Also, jim gaffigan and dave salmony is here. He brought a menagerie of creatures, including a striped skunk. I think its a skunk, either that, or im smelling snoops dressing room. He also brought what is called a great alligator turtle. I googled it. It should be fighting mothra in japan. Theres dave right there. Hey, dave, whats this animal . This is a finnic fox whose name is bob. Jimmy bob the fox. Does he know how many Instagram Likes he could get . Anything cute like this, he gets lots of likes. Jimmy thats dave salmony. You know, President Trump took a field trip to bask in the glow of workers at a petrochemicals plant. He was there to talk energy. And of course immediately steered the conversation from energy to himself. And we make a lot of jokes about this president , but its important to remember just how ....
[cheers and applause] you know if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card. You need id. You go out and you want to buy anything you need id and you need your picture. [laughter] something tells me this guy has never been grocery shopping. Like ever. He probably tried it once, but the first thing you see when you walk in is the produce aisle so he just walked right back out. He was like, ew, vegetables. Gross. Oh, grosseries, i get it now. One day ill be president [sprightly music] if you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down 75 in value. And they say the noise causes cancer. You told me that one, okay . [imitates wonky cranking] [laughter] okay, ive never heard a windmill before, but im pretty sure it doesnt sound like a cat in a dryer. Weow, weow. And dont get me started on solar panels [imitates cartoonish wolf howl] and what about hydropower . You know the sound water makes. [imitates horse neighing, gallo ....