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daughter, jane, who is 6 years old, was misbehaving so my wife, molly, sent her to her room r. after a few minutes my wife went up the stairs to check on her. she overhears jane talking to her elf on the shelf saying, i know what you re thinking, elf, you think i m a bad kid, but i m not, my mom s the bad one. [ laughter ] you ve got to believe me, you re my only hope. [ laughter ] help me, elfie one kenelfi. donald trump knows what he s getting his loved ones for christmas, assuming he s capable of love. according to axios, he s been talking about handing out pardons as if they were christmas gifts at the christmas. he reportedly told one insider he s going to pardon every person who ever talked to me. [ laughter ] sorry, melania, i guess you re out of luck. trump is said to be keeping a pardon list, and has been telling people he might add them to it. this is funny. one source says trump offended a member of his staff by offering that person a pardon even though ....
anyway, molly s sitting down with our daughter jane, who s 5, to write a letter to santa claus, which jane did not want to do. she wanted us to refer santa to our amazon wish list that i d made. but we insisted on a letter because we want to have it. so my wife got a pen and paper and asked jane why should santa bring you presents, and jane thought about it, and she said because i want them, that s why. and we re like, no. what good things have you done to deserve presents. you have to tell santa. and she says i don t know. so i start giving examples, do you listen to your parents, are you nice to your brother? do you share your toys? and she thinks about it, and she says, yeah, write those things. i said which things, the things you said, just write them down. basically the response was take a memo. hey, tomorrow time magazine will name their person of the year for 2019. they ve whittled the finalists down to five, president trump, nancy pelosi, the protesters in hong ....
our president donald jumanji trump said something on friday that might top off all the things he said. the best words, stable genius, covfefe, all of them may pale compared to what he shared on friday at the white house s small business round table event. we have a situation where we re looking very strongly at sinks and showers. and other elements of bathrooms. [ laughter ] where you turn the faucet on and in areas where there s tremendous amounts of water where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it. and you don t get any water. you turn on the faucet and you don t get any water. they take a shower and water comes dripping out. it s dripping out very quietly dripping out. [ laughter ] people are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times as opposed to once. [ laughter ] jimmy: 15 times? what are you eating? [ laughter ] the only time you flush a toilet 15 times is if the d.e.a. is banging on your door and you have a kilo of cocaine up you. that s n ....
anyway, molly s sitting down with our daughter jane, who s 5, to write a letter to santa claus, which jane did not want to do. she wanted us to refer santa to our amazon wish list that i d made. but we insisted on a letter because we want to have it. so my wife got a pen and paper and asked jane why should santa bring you presents, and jane thought about it, and she said because i want them, that s why. d we re like, no. what good things have you done to deserve presents. you have to tell santa. and she says i don t know. so i start giving examples, do you listen to your parents, are you nice to your brother? do you share your toys? and she thinks about it, and she says, yeah, write those things. i said which things, the things you said, just write them down. basically the response was take a memo. hey, tomorrow time magazine will name their person of the year for 2019. they ve whittled the finalists down to five, president trump, nancy pelosi, the protesters in hong ko ....
our president donald jumanji trump on friday said something that might top off all the things he said. the best words, stable genius, covfefe, all of them may pale compared to what he shared on friday at the white house s small business round table event. we have a situation where we re looking very strongly at sinks and showers. and other elements of bathrooms. [ laughter ] where you turn the faucet on and in areas where there s tremendous amounts of water where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it. and you don t get any water. you turn on the faucet and you don t get any water. they take a shower and water comes dripping out. it s dripping out very quietly dripping out. [ laughter ] people are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times as opposed to once. [ laughter ] jimmy: 15 times? what are you eating? [ laughter ] the only time you flush a toilet 15 times is if the d.e.a. is banging on your door and you have a kilo of cocaine up you. that s n ....