[applause] [applause] greg: put your pants back on. Happy monday, everyone. Over the weekend donald trump held a rally in butler, pennsylvania. The site of the first assassination attempt. He spoke from behind a shield made of patent plexiglass, the same material they used to build nancy pelosi. Not to be outdone, kamala harris will join the view where the secret service will have harpoon guns in case the cast gets hungry. You are booing? get him out of here. On tuesday kamala harris will be interviewed, she is well prepared having worked for four years under a different fart man. [applause] greg: i will take it. After a seven month narcotics investigation of a large shipment of elephant tranquilizer has been seized on long island. Now how will i sleep? asks one woman. I thought that was going my way. Greg: a frontier jet caught fire during a hard landing at the las vegas airport. The company quickly responded by announcing they are bringing back the smoking section. In a rare solo
Greg: yes! yes. Yes. All right, i will take it, for now. Happy monday, everyone. Last friday joe biden turned over a cabinet meeting to his wife. If that is not bad enough he then put hunter in charge of the medicine cabinet. Man boobs. Vice president harris will skip this fundraising dinner, a feature which traditionally shows presidential candidates roasting each other. She pulled out at the last minute. If only her husband had done the same thing with the nanny. Terrible. This person was criticized for saying that kamala harris is not black. She would know, her brother michael was a white one. And a beautiful one at that, rest in peace. Hillary clinton argued that kamala harris does not need to clarify her policy positions to her various critics and instead recommends simply killing them. The menendez brothers series on netflix is facing backlash over the allegations of sibling incest. I don t see the big deal, says one woman. I don t know why, i don t understand the backstory on th
[cheering and applause] [cheering and applause] yes, all right! yes! let not your be troubled. It is friday so you know what that means, let s welcome tonight s guest. She has witnessed more fights than a cashier at a waffle house , charlie! [cheering and applause] greg: if it seems like he is judging you, that s his job, comedian vince august! [cheering and applause] greg: her husband tried to convince her that talking is bad for the baby. New york times bestselling author, cat! [cheering and applause] greg: and you need sir edmund hillary to see if he has dandruff. New york times bestselling author, comedian and former nwa world champion, tyrus! [cheering and applause] all right all right, all right. Before we get to some news stories, let s do this. greg leftovers! greg: it is leftovers where i read the jokes we didn t use this weekend is always it is my first time reading them so if they suck we will by joe a pager from one of our jewish friends in tel aviv. [laughter] greg: te
Greg: yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I like my haircut. Happy tuesday, everyone. Scientists have discovered what they call a third state of existence. Somewhere between life and death. No kidding. Democrats responded to the second assassination attempt on trump by turning down the rhetoric by comparing the former president to mussolini. In a rare sign of unity, maxine waters has offered to schedule his next tee time. The biden a ministration has promised to beef up security for president trump. Using the same agents that protect kamala from reporters. A neighbor of the accused gunman says the family was weird and kept a live horse in their home. Further proof that the suspect was unstable. [ laughter ] greg: it s okay to boo that one. I felt the same way. An investigation into the immigrant crisis in springfield, ohio reveals that auto accidents have increased four fold. I did not know the haitians were all women. Rfk junior is being investigated for allegedly cutting off the head
[cheering and applause] [laughter] stop it! stop it! stop it! i would blush if i had any blood in my body. Happy thursday everyone. It s been two days since cnn announced they are bringing back brian stelter, two days and already jake tapper has had to bring back his refrigerator lock. Once again the biden doj has formerly accused russia of election interference. I guess what is old is new if your president has dementia. [laughter] liz cheney says she is voting for kamala harris. Well then kamala has my vote says one man. That s benedict arnold for all of you nonhistory buffs. A las vegas woman told police she stole an expensive casket containing a body because she blacked out from drinking. But don t worry the corpse was returned safely. [laughter] hunter biden pled guilty to tax evasion. He tried to use an alford plea which would allow him to plead guilty while maintaining his innocence. Se wanted to to have it both ways. Which he also wrote off on his taxes. [laughter] california is