let's get after it. i love the media. i love the media. check out these old headlines trump promises 4% growth and economist say no way. or this one. if trump thanks he can get more than the present economic growth he's dreaming. last but not least, hello larr larry,. >> if you use the standard of what the administration has held out hope for, three or 4% growth there is nothing in any data suggesting that we are moving towards that three-4% standard. greg: oh yeah? eat this larry. >> i'm thrilled to announce that in the second quarter of this year the united states economy grew at the amazing rate of 4. 4.1%. [cheering and applause] they like it. so, who could have predicted that? >> i believe it's time to establish a national goal of reaching 4% economic growth. my great economists don't want to say this but i think we can do better than that. greg: the optimist. i wish you find the right sentiment to express how i feel. [laughter] i wish i could remember what i was laughing at but as trump proves the naysayers wrong, what are the naysayers clinging to? a little piece of leaked audio. >> this is the ugly sordid stuff that happened behind the A show featuring parodies of current events, commentary on significant issues and interviews with newsmakers, culture critics and media personalities. >> the white house lied about it. when this first came out hope said that donald trump knew nothing about it. >> the president had no knowledge and you know and giuliani knows that is a flat out lie. he had an affair with her. greg: oh my god, he lied, he lied about in affair. how is this surprising accusing a rich old new yorker about lying about an affair is accusing michael moore splitting his pants. [laughter] is to be expected. i hate to tell you this is why line was invented. do you remember the first lie? the garden of eden, the snake, no, no, he's just a friend. as long as there is sex there will be lies and as long as there are lies there will be journalism and politics. i don't condone it but when there's so much good stuff happening in this world i just do not care. [cheering and applause] A show featuring parodies of current events, commentary on significant issues and interviews with newsmakers, culture critics and media personalities. that donald trump had sex with these women and lied about it people who support trump are going to suddenly stop supporting him. i think that people care more about things like the economy and more money in their pockets it's not they don't believe it. they're not stupid but it just doesn't matter. you know how much i've been affected by who donald trump has had sex with? not at all. greg: really? kat: yeah, my day has been the same as it would've been if he would not have had sex with those people. greg: is the achievements that affect your life not what he's been doing on his private time elsewhere tyrus, bring it home. tyrus: as far as lying, i'm not going to judge the president on if he's lying or not because i've been known to lie about whether i take the trash out or not. [laughter] white lies, as i was called? that's my thing. i feel like they love the scary movie and it's coming to theaters but it never comes to theaters. even recording somebody is simple and michael cohen, [bleep], can get lower than being a rat but what kills me is he is setting somebody up what he supposed to be a fixer -- he's one of the worst people in the world. if you think about someone who is so rotten that you would trust him with your secrets and he records them and then when he gets in trouble tries to use them against you and i guess he was sitting on the phone while he was recording so you cannot even make out what he was saying. they had to get a rocket surgeon and ophthalmologist to figure out whether he said cash or check. he's a bad black male and then he finds out that it's a desirable offense to record a client. it scans a lot but he broke a lot. then he leaked information that i know who happened or what thinking the prosecution would help them and they said no, we will not help you at all. you can't cooperate because re- proven liar. he's had the worst week that a villain -- usually they have a bad week at the end of the movie but this dude started out with here is my plan and got arrest arrested, the worst villain i've ever seen. you would think he'd be better. greg: what drives me nuts is when you watch the other networks they are ignoring what matters and in their snow globe the only thing that matters porn stars, playmates, michael cohen intake. when you're in a snow globe you don't know you're not in one. everyone else in the world is enjoying, their life is getting marginally better everyday but they don't know that at cnn because are too busy chasing tail or tales, tawdry tales. all right, coming up, democratic candidates are out of step with the mainstream in other news, chocolate is delicious. [cheering and applause] ♪ ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪ uhp. i didn't believe it. again. ♪ ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? ♪ i want to believe it. [ claps hands ] ♪ ooh i'm not hearing the confidence. okay, hold the name your price tool. power of options based on your budget! and! ♪ we'll make heaven a place on earth ♪ yeah! oh, my angels! ♪ ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪ [ sobs quietly ] b5 like a drunk octopus trying to line dance at his sister's wedding the democrats are out of step. what an intro. like you didn't know that already. according to a new nbc wall street journal poll 56% say today's democratic candidates are out of touch with the mainstream and that's a spike from two years ago when the new number was 42%. that is when bernie sanders was all the rage. and that looked great with a man. [laughter] i was one of the first. bernie sold young voters on socialism and got progressive to take a hard left turn but this poll shows they are not progressive enough. tired of the party that brought you fdr's new deal? you will love super turbo hyper progressivism. the first system for the government pays for everything. universal healthcare, plus, guaranteed basic income you never know when you will meet the enemy in the future and the national anthem is replaced by this. total awesome sanctuary cities and public bathrooms where it's all in the open. the best part about super tumor hyper progressivism, all wars will be fought with finger guns. and if that doesn't work, will hug the enemy to death. [cheering and applause] greg: cap, the polls say the democrats are out of step and they say the republicans are out of step are the libertarians out of step? kat: no one really likes us but we don't really like ourselves. greg: that is true. kat: that is okay. i feel like it shouldn't be surprised that the democrats are out of step as i feel like when you talk to most americans they don't say what that what they want to do is wait in line for toilet paper so i'm not surprised that this old democratic socialist thing is not catching on. people want capitalism we can get toilet paper via amazon prime without getting off your couch and as much as you want you can get 4712 packs and build a fort for you and your cat to sit in. you know, it's not like it always comes down to toilet paper but sometimes it does. greg: if i could have a dollar for every time it does. the big democratic, the new obama, alexandria and she is a socialist what you make of her? she's never. >> it's like she's never read a newspaper or book in her life. this young lady is i can't imagine where she gets information and i'm beginning to think that she's a republican plant where they have placed her there to make the democrats look incredibly stupid. greg: tyrus, will it democratic party pay attention to the polls and fix themselves? tyrus: there are too many rules. i don't like rules. when i get by mike is a president and the instructions are this thick, we are winning it. the new democratic world order there are 37 gender so how will i say hello to someone without being afraid of a lawsuit? there's all kinds of give me stuff and i don't want to give anybody jack. i'll keep mine and you get yours and will be fine. there are too many rules and they don't even know -- when they talk -- if you ever have a conversation with a super left person they talk in a person so i don't even know who i'm dealing with. [laughter] everything is a world cost. i just want a coffee. i'm sorry i came in here. i won't do it again. if me forgiveness will kill mike because in the amazon, i'll st stop. greg: to your point about -- your first point, party forgotten -- it's liberals were supposed to be liberal and now they have more rules and conservatives are the ones that don't want rules. the conservatives are the freaks. they are for free everything in terms of thought. tyrus: you have to catch yourself to greet a stranger. if you don't know something about them, don't find out the hard way by asking. [laughter] >> i felt like this is one of those articles where they did need to do the polls. they're like they're out of step but we knew it had of time and i feel like they could've saved money. i don't like any candidate is talking about what i'm worried about. like how do i keep beat my kid at fortnight? tyrus: that's a real thing. dragon ball z, i have to ground him to beat him mid- game. [laughter] connect no one cares what i'm worried about. i'm worried about healthcare. i asked my daughter what she wanted to do and she asked to do a puzzle so i had her go to healthcare .gov. [laughter] greg: should be and on that note or do you have a third joke? >> i don't think i do. [laughter] greg: i think the democratic party needs an intervention. they need to sit down the leaders and say socialism is ruining your life just like with drugs, you said you been doing a lot of socialism and you're losing your friends and running out of money and we are here to help you will fly you to a capitalism center and teach you how to make money. that would be the answer .com, nikki haley has great advice for conservative teens. so do i, listen to nikki haley. [cheering and applause] some cash back cards send you on a journey to get to your bonus cash back. first they make you sign up for bonus cash back and it's only on a few categories. and when those categories change, you gotta sign up again. when does it end?! with the capital one quicksilver® card, you earn unlimited 1.5% cash back on every purchase, everywhere. it's like a cash back oasis. what's in your wallet? ...to give you the protein you need with less of the sugar you don't. i'll take that. [cheers] 30 grams of protein and 1 gram of sugar. new ensure max protein. in two great flavors. >> live from "americas news headquarters" i am jon scott. california officials the 12,000 firefighters are now fighting 17 significant fires across the state. one of the worst in the redding area 230 miles from san francisco. it is destroyed with a 500 buildings and burned vegetation on nearly hundred 50 square miles.officials say california has experienced considerably more fire activity this year than in the same period last year. and the worst of the fire season is yet to come. three people killed and seven others injured in a shooting in new orleans last night. at this hour police are still looking for two gunmen they say fired into a crowd outside of a restaurant. some three miles from the french quarter. then ran off. investigators are still looking into a possible motive. i am jon scott, back now to the greg gutfeld show. greg: now, if i were nikki haley and who says i'm not? i would ask high school kids to raise your hand if you've ever posted anything online quote unquote on the lips. >> razor hand if you ever posted anything online to quote unquote own the liberals. i know it's fun and i can feel good but -- [laughter] but step back and think about you are accomplishing when you do this. are you persuading anyone? greg: she said that to students but adults can learn from this. i'll admit it's fun to troll the other side and they make it so easy sometimes. >> don't believe what you see with your own ears. [laughter] greg: i will play that forever. if you go online now there are two sides clashing over nothing. it's vicious into nikki haley's point, no one is persuading anyone. government you try to cross the aisle with an olive branch. you get shunned by your own like actor mark who faced the wrath of the online mob on his side as he had the nerve to complement ben shapiro on twitter. then he had to apologize for being nice. what he was. neither side will win the great twitter war. it's been mutually assured destruction. is that good or bad or both? i don't know what went i do know is i prefer to dance in front of gus the dog. [inaudible] [laughter] greg: the greatest dog ever. he knows a bad answer when he sees with it, your twitter feed is rambunctious, combative and would you join a group of people that say i'm disarming and i'm no longer going to be so negative on twitter? >> absolutely not. i don't think nikki haley has seen my twitter feed she would not have seen it. she says that i know it feels good and it's fun but what are you a composting? what's wrong with feeling good and having fun? not trying to persuade anybody on twitter. the point is i don't think i'm going to persuade them but i want to ridicule them and have other people see how stupid they look. greg: good point you're trying to persuade the person you're insulting your trying to give some kind of energy to the other people that almost teach them how to do what they're doing but it might be considered mean what am i turning into? used to be so mean, tyrus, what is happening? tyrus: i don't think too much about you, greg -- you know what it is, we have believed right now. whenever you are winning it's fun to put phone at the other side and it's great but when you are losing it sucks. it goes back and forth. i had a flashback when nikki haley was talking. i literally thought it was minors at school and some. when i had an embarrassing moment when i had my first -- you know, at school. greg: i don't want to know. tyrus: she was like it's fun and it feels good but don't think about those things at school. greg: oh, i see what you mean. [laughter] it took me a while. [laughter] tyrus: .com and cooling boys in it to be back to that nurse. used to go to the nurse and tell her stuff and she make you feel good and if your mom saw your heart you are a dirty little boy the nurse would tell you it's okay. it feels right. greg: we will move on from this discussion. jamie -- >> when tyrus was talking there were four moments where i felt like i knew what he was talking about and then he said something else and i still didn't know. greg: let's stay on topic about civility online. [laughter] >> thank you. greg: civility online, is it worth it to be the first person online to disarm? >> you don't always have to be leading but you could be having fun but what a great point that you could be rallying troops but i do get tired of the hate sometimes and i don't know if you know but it's an add-on for google chrome and it turns off all politics if you want to break so i turn it on the other day and there was one puppy video left. [laughter] greg: and it was an old right puppy -- exactly. would you ever -- you are on twitter an awful lot and are not meeting on it -. kat: i try to be nice i think that is probably right but i do understand that it can be very tempting sometimes. i will read an article that says yoga is cultural appropriation and that everyone is a certain halloween costumes are cultural appropriation nightly line if i said the first thought that comes to mind was not to post a video of myself doing yoga in a pocahontas costume. [laughter] but i would not be changing hearts and minds that way and if i wanted to try to change hearts and minds you have to be respectful. greg: i had to semi- serious comments on this. this social media behavior might be necessary because were not allowing this behavior anymore in the real world. were not having community for getting together and churches are under attacks and sororities are being gender-neutral and teams are breaking up so maybe twitter is the only place we can insult each other and build each other and make jokes because you can't do that anywhere else. having said that, now people are collecting scalps on twitter. you can't make jokes anymore because you could be the next one. >> you can lose your job. greg: you can lose your job. >> the director of disney, his job is gone because of some joke he made. it could happen to you -. greg: no, no, don't look at my twitter feed. coming up, would you attend your own funeral? science says it's what is possible. by the way, science is my third nipple. [cheering and applause] get your groove on with one a day 50+. she chose safelite. with safelite, she could see exactly when we'd be there. >> teacher: you must be pascal. >> tech: yes ma'am. >> tech vo: saving her time... [honk, honk] >> kids: bye! >> tech vo: ...so she can save the science project. >> kids: whoa! >> kids vo: ♪ safelite repair, safelite replace ♪ i'm still giving it my best even though i live with a higher risk of stroke due to afib not caused by a heart valve problem. so if there's a better treatment than warfarin, i'm up for that. eliquis. eliquis is proven to reduce stroke risk better than warfarin. plus has significantly less major bleeding than warfarin. eliquis is fda-approved and has both. so what's next? seeing these guys. don't stop taking eliquis unless your doctor tells you to, as stopping increases your risk of having a stroke. eliquis can cause serious and in rare cases fatal bleeding. don't take eliquis if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. while taking eliquis, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer than usual for any bleeding to stop. seek immediate medical care for sudden signs of bleeding, like unusual bruising. eliquis may increase your bleeding risk if you take certain medicines. tell your doctor about all planned medical or dental procedures. eliquis, the number one cardiologist-prescribed blood thinner. ask your doctor if eliquis is what's next for you. because your brain would essentially live in the crowd you could switch bodies as often as you like. from where we went to mike and the immortal goat for comment -- >> don't jump. don't jump. don't jump. what is he doing? oh, oh, oh -- he jumped. [bleep] he jumped. [bleep] [laughter] [bleep]. dude, we killed a [bleep] goat. >> dude, he's alive. greg: get with the program. is this realistic and would you do this? tyrus: no, i would go to my funeral and sit in the corner and listen to people talk about me -- my funeral will not be pleasant. there will be a lot of people not on things and plus my note before i go will build real. [laughter] people start turning around the computer laughing in the back in its me what is wrong with dying and i just don't get it? i can't wait. i'm waiting for my testosterone to go way when your time comes, let it go. will you be a robot? b5 you are saying. greg: you are saying let it go. tyrus: you'll have your dream because you can get in with your ai buddies because after a while the robot guys will be jealous of the flash guys so that will not cure racism because we'll have robots attacking anyone with me. greg: it will -- this will be meat and metal and that will be the war because i am the best benedict arnold for metal i would be king of the metal because i don't like meat. i think this would ruin funera funerals? kat: i think that it's a lot of science in trouble and much simpler than that. all you need to do is there yourself a funeral while you're still alive. that's what i'm doing. greg: that's a great idea for a company. kat: i'm doing that in three months for my 30th for the party in a few months. this is not a joke. i'm coming in a hearse end in a casket and i'll have a processional of people they been as i enter and will be a big party. not everyone is invited but you're invited to like the photos when you see i am not joking. greg: i have a feeling you will be doing this. next, i think -- what if you are in annoying unlikable person and people are relieved that you're dead. then oh great, i had to deal with brian because his head is in a new bat? >> why are you asking me this? greg: i don't know. >> i like to be in my own funeral to hear what people say about me. it would work better if i could get that thing started now like if i could get the robot that is me started up now i could get a lot more done. i could direct another movie like my movie which is coming out october 12th climatic. greg: it's a great movie. >> was that too obvious? greg: no, it was a tough movie to make. wherever it is you should find it. jamie, would you do this? >> stupid question, great britain i'm not the smartest guy but if i'm at the funeral why don't we just not have a funer funeral? you know what i mean? jim is on and they say no he's not but he's over there -- did i ever tell you my idea to get a laugh in my funeral i want to have an open casket but when you come up my legs are showing. [laughter] wouldn't that be funny? greg: that's pretty funny. >> i just think in general -- will you write that down? greg: and if something happens i will say you want an open caske. tyrus: open leg casket. >> robots we have to be so careful with building things that we cannot compete with because i had this ex-girlfriend and i bought her this electronic toy and i never saw her again. [laughter] greg: on that note, still to come, it's the most interesting interview you will ever see. i am serious. you don't want to miss this. stick around. [cheering and applause] to run the full clip on my very own to take a look. ♪ [animal sounds] greg: thank you for having me. i've always been a fan of your investigative work. it's a pleasure to be here. [animal sounds] greg: i really did this for the fans. everywhere i go to blast me where can they read the monologues from the show. where is one place they can get them so i decided when not give the very best monologues and put them in the book. [animal sounds] greg: i figured it would be different to take a book and criticize it and take it apart and go after the thing you got wrong so i took my monologues and if you look in the book you will see, take a look, i have commentary with my actual monologues and i'm fairly blunt about the things i got wrong. [animal sounds] greg: the one thing i noticed is that i tend to rely on certain clichés like if i'm writing about a liberal i will often say they have a nose ring or a henna tattoo and i find i fall into stereotypes over time which is intellectually lazy. i tried to call myself on that wherever i go. also, i think i was mean on bernie sanders. i should of been nice. [animal sounds] greg: my favorite topic is always going to be hollywood because it's so easy something is always going on in that place that is worthy of ridicule and every day there's an actor or actress things have been stupid and i wake up every morning to write about. it makes my job so easy. [animal sounds] greg: the producer will send me ideas and that's a great question. what i do is pick the ones that are most exciting to me and start writing. i don't like to think about it too much because when you think about it you start to lose the scene. you want to dive right in and before you know it you come up with your own point of view. it's a lot of fun, i think. [animal sounds] greg: i learned that there are a lot of interesting topics that culminated in's presidency. if you look at what i covered law and order, identity politi politics, terrorism, these are the things that donald trump hit on so i'm convinced that he created this entire clinical plank on or off my monologues. [animal sounds] greg: i think the shorter the better, much like me. [laughter] if you can make it under 80 seconds that is perfect. it should be sharp, original and funny it does not have to be funny off the bat. first you write it but then you had the jokes later. short, clear, concise and unexpected and surprising. much like the work you do, don don't. [animal sounds] [cheering and applause] greg: thanks again dolphin and ted next weekend is the start of my book tour. more dates are coming soon go to g gutfeld .com for the latest tour information. don't go anywhere, final thoughts next. [cheering and applause] ♪ whens ♪ it's so hard to believe ♪ but it's all coming back me. ♪ baby, baby, baby. all you can eat is back, baby. applebee's. my mom washes the dishes... ...before she puts them in the dishwasher. so what does the dishwasher do? new cascade platinum does the work for you, .g new cascade platinum. when it comes to strong bones, are you on the right path? we have postmenopausal osteoporosis and a high risk for fracture, so with our doctors we chose prolia® to help make our bones stronger. only prolia® helps strengthen bones by stopping cells that damage them with 1 shot every 6 months. do not take prolia® if you have low blood calcium, are pregnant, are allergic to it, or take xgeva®. serious allergic reactions, like low blood pressure; trouble breathing; throat tightness; face, lip or tongue swelling, rash, itching or hives have happened. tell your doctor about dental problems, as severe jaw bone problems may happen or new or unusual pain in your hip, groin, or thigh, as unusual thigh bone fractures have occurred. speak to your doctor before stopping prolia®, as spine and other bone fractures have occurred. prolia® can cause serious side effects, like low blood calcium; serious infections, which could need hospitalization; . isn't it time for a new direction? why wait? ask your doctor about prolia. . greg: jamie, where are you going to be? >> i'm going to be on netflix, if you have netflix, check out season 2 of my tv show with rob snider on netflix right now. greg: very, very funny, i enjoy it immensely. i mean that, even though i haven't seen it. nick, you got a movie. >> opens november 12th in 750 theaters nationwide, here's a clip. >> a the love the employees at that clinic have been arrested on drug trafficking charges, why haven't you. >> objection. >> given your personal animosity for the doctor, why should we believe anything -- greg: wow, that's intense! >> i love that guy. he's a great actor. greg: he is a great actor. a tremendous -- all right! thank you, jamie, nick, katherine, tyrus, dolphin, the studio audience. [cheers and applause] . [cheering and applause]