my heart was aching. it was a day ofjust waiting and waiting, not understanding what was happening, not knowing if dylan was alive or dead, not knowing if he had really hurt other people or if this was all kind of twisted mistake. all day long ijust kept asking the police over and over again, where's my son, is my son dead? late in the afternoon, one of them sent to me, yes, he is. we got to our family member's house that night, and they had the television on. the news media was beginning to talk about how many people were killed, how many were injured. there was still confusion. ijust remember groaning, i was literally groaning. and my family member said to her husband, turn it off. i saw the detective pull in, and he was going to take me down to the san diego county sheriff's department. they said, you may want to duck your head. there were cameras that they were putting right up to the window of the police car and saying, are you the father, are you the father of the shooter? there was no way we can avoid them. the officer asked me some questions about my guns and ammunition, and i_ had my pistol that he used. they were only used for hunting or target shooting. the whole time we were there, we never took out our guns, we never took out or did any shooting. being a single parent, there were times that andy was home alone, and at the daytime he might be home alone sometimes and there was a rash of robberies, so he did know where the gun for the cabinet —— was a rash of robberies, so he did know where the key for the cabinet was. the whole point was to go, leave me alone, take the guns, get out of here. so he still knew where i kept the key. they continued to ask about, you know, guns and ammunition, and i said, i don't know where he got the ammunition. i didn't have any in there, i thought we had shot it all when we went out in the desert. for months i was in denial. they said that the boys did all these terrible things, that they not only killed and hurt people, but they will say awful racist things and sadistic things, and ijust shut that out of my mind, i said dylan would not say anything like that. they had got so much information wrong about dylan and our family that i began to settle into the belief system that they were wrong about what dylan did. it took six months for the police to make a report of what had happened. they allowed us to go in privately and meet with the sheriff's representatives there, and they gave a presentation on what happened. and for the first time, i got it. i saw that it was planned. i saw video tapes that they had made. i saw dylan in a way that i had never seen him before. they were talking about what they were going to do. it showed him with weapons. it was horrifying to see him in that mode. i had been grieving so much for this lost, precious child, and remembering who he was, and that was the point that i realised who he was to everyone else in the world. everything died in my world. god died. i believe in truth, my belief in what our —— my belief in truth, my belief in what our family was, my belief in who dylan was, everything was torn apart. the person that i thought i was no longer existed. i thought i was a good mum, i thought i had raised responsible kids who were kind and loving and charitable, and everything was gone, everything. my belief in everything was gone. my son, dylan, who was 17 years old, and his friend eric who was 18 went to columbine high school with the intention of killing everyone in the school and destroying the school. and if there is any gratitude i feel in this whole process, it is that they failed to do that. but what they did do was they killed 12 students and a teacher before taking their own lives, and they injured more than 20 other people, some very serious injuries, brain injuries and spinal—cord injuries, disfigurement. when andy was about four years old, his mum took an unaccompanied tour with the un peacekeeping forces, and when she came back, we decided to go our separate ways. and andy stayed with me. he would go running through the woods, riding his bike. we would go down to the river, go fishing. we would do a lot of things together. he was like my best friend. i go to the public defender's office, and i would say, we will go and see andy, he is over injuvenile hall. went down to this little small interrogation room, i was sitting in there and they brought him down the hall, and we were both crying, i was _ hurting, i felt so bad. that is the first time i can remembertelling him that i loved him, was that day. nicholas was born in california. unfortunately, his mother and i got divorced. she had no authority to bring nicholas. he was snatched out of california, and it didn't make sense to be running back and forth with him to virginia, so ijust left well enough alone and hope that things would work out. california to virginia, it was a culture shock. i would call nicholas every sunday, and he said, dad, you know this christian school i'm going to? he said, yes, what's wrong? he said, it's the devil all over the place. i said, explain it, let me know what's going on. he said, no, that is it. i said to his mother, nick is dissatisfied with the school, what's going on? check into it. one morning i had my tv on, and i can see these police officers bringing a kid out of a schoolhouse, and i looked at his shirt, i'm saying, that's my son! i call the airlines, made the reservations, jumped on the plane and got here, and by that time, my ex—wife had returned home, and i talk to her to find out precisely what had transpired. he shot one of his teachers. andy had his two buddies that he hung out with the most, and one of those buddies, there was a gentleman who was in his late 20s that would provide them with cigarettes and _ beer and marijuana. he would come home with what looked like burn markings on his neck, and he said they were from skateboarding accidents. i told him over and over i didn't like these kids, but he stayed with them, no matter how badly he was treated with them. these two boys, they were supposed to have participated, but they backed out. and it was in his mindset that if i back out i will get picked on even more, cos i made his threats, and that was what made him determined to go and do the school shooting. around me, he was pretty much light—hearted. pretty much happy—go—lucky kid, didn't have much worries. you come to find out that the bullying and the race relations at santana high school had got so bad, they were undera warning from _ the justice department, and they were supposed to have put out the _ report saying this is what we are going to fix to alleviate these problems. they put it off because of the shooting. finally towards the end of the year, they put out the report, and blamed andy on all the problems at the school. it was all andy's fault. before andy there was nothing wrong with our school. you just look at this going, right. andy was bullied at santana, his backpack was thrown into urinals, and years later i know what would cause and issue the —— what would cause andy to do the shooting. he had the sentencing hearing, the victim impact statements were read, and so for four hours i had to sit there and listen to how bad my son was and how people's lives were affected. the cops report from santana high school said that if it wasn't for andy, there were no problems at the high school. he was just a little kid at the back row, he comes up and approaches the microphone and said, i'm a member of the marching band, the bullying is awful here, i don't blame andy for coming to the school and shooting up the place, this place is awful, the bullying is terrible. in the next day in the newspaper, that kid is not even mentioned. i did take the stand to testify on my son's behalf, but the bitterness was so deep in me, i sounded like the angriest father in the world. i was steaming mad. yes, iwas hurtand mad. nicholas, he was injuvenile. i went out to see him. he said, dad, i have been going through this for two years. the first year i came here, i had kids sticking pins in my arm. i told the teachers what was transpiring, and they said it'll go away. unfortunately, the teachers that he told, they didn't react, and he insisted he was being bullied still. and he was in a position of fight orflight. his mind was completely out of it. he didn't even recognise what he had done. the first thing he said to me was, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to hurt nobody. ijust wanted to get them off my back. outside i find out that two of my cousins had purchased a gun for me. nicholas, his mother was giving him about $25 a week, and he was giving it to my two cousins. he says, they bought me this. ifelt, with his age and his non—record, he would get five or ten years, but he was going through this situation like an adult, and they gave him 100 years plus 14. he has been incarcerated 31 years. when the shooting happened, it was the beginning of 24/7 news coverage, so people were bombarded with images and stories. the whole community was in chaos. everybody was suing everybody. we were sued. the sheriff's department was sued. everybody wanted to hold someone accountable for what had happened, and our own governor got on national television to say that this was the fault of the shooter's parents. it was open season on our family. everywhere i went i was exposed to all the horrible things that people believed to be true about us. somehow we were less a human beings. —— somehow we were lesser human beings. we were evil people. we were people who did not know how to raise children. there was a world of people who hated us. my husband and i had a very strong relationship. for a while our older son came and lived with us. our family got closer. we experienced so much humiliation. my ex—husband, my son, they wish their lives be private. i usually just say, they are fine, they are ok, and they don't want me to talk about them. the community blamed jeffrey for what his son did, _ and when i first met him, as a father of a boy that i did this terrible crime, and hearing his story, i felt so bad. _ if we went out for - dinnerand drinks, they |would take our chairs when we got up| to the rest room, and when you would come back and ask for your chairs i back, they totally ignored you. i they tried to break| into his apartment. they would follow him around. so i helped geoffrey to move to arizona i and get out of san diego. i remember always hoping that the day would come where all this would be resolved and i would get to meet the families face—to—face and they would get to —— the families face—to—face and i would get to say that i was sorry. i asked, when do i get to say i'm sorry? and i was told, this is not the place for that. you just answer the questions. and as the years went on, some of the victims maintained a lot of anger and blame, some did not, some were kind. a few wrote back to me and contacted me. some people publicly expressed kindness, kind words. others expressed hatred. i realise that there is no set way to respond to all this, that each one of us even within our own family is processing this differently. and even in my family, the way my husband processed it or my son or me, we were all in different places, and i realised that was true for the victims�* families as well. i'm sure every single person was trying to piece their lives together and to cope with their losses in their own way. connie sanders reached out to me. her father was killed by dylan and eric. we just got along and started meeting for coffee and talking. hearing the stories of the survivors, of people who were killed and their families, it is horrible to hear, and i have a tendency to want to avoid that. and to shut it down and make it about my loss. and it has really helped me to be with connie. it helps me stay grounded to the magnitude of what dylan did. my dad was a great man. society felt the need to betray him as this perfect human being. people had to have this dichotomous view of eric and dylan versus the victims, almost like it was this win—lose thing. let's evaluate the circumstances. what prompted nicholas to get a gun in order to bring it to school to kill another human being? we got kids today, they are killing themselves because of being bullied. there were a couple of incidents in california where the bullies were sentenced to jail. i'm not saying he's innocent, no, far be it. but we can't reject our responsibility. he has no protection. he has no help. i've got to let him know, hey, i'm here. if you need anything, if you've got a problem, i'm here. i will be here until the good lord takes me away. and as as long as i've got breath in my body, he ain't going hungry or homeless. that's the only thing i can do as his father. if he gets parole to norfolk, he'll move in a bedroom upstairs. he and i will walk around the block so he can get to know the neighbourhood and then we get on the bus. i don't care how long it takes, we are going to get on every bus, ride around and see how things have changed. it's like i taught him how to crawl, i was with him when he learned how to walk and i will be with him when he learns how to crawl and how to walk again. dylan had been in trouble for stealing but he had just gotten off of diversion. they said dylan and eric had done so beautifully they wanted to let them off early. dylan had been accepted at four colleges of his choice and got into the school of his choice, the university of arizona. he was in school plays, he had a job after school. he was getting passable grades. he was not a stellar student but he was doing 0k. from what i saw, he was on the right track. there were times when he was quiet and sometimes sullen and spent a lot of time in his room. but i'd never met a 17—year—old boy for whom that is not true. the shootings happened on a tuesday and that weekend, before the shootings, dylan went to a prom with his friends and with a date. they went out to dinner, they did dancing and they did all these things and then three days later, he was involved in a school shooting. so it was so hard for me to try and comprehend what had just happened because what i was seeing with someone who was engaged in life. but the police found ratings of his and he had written, "i'm in agony, i want to die" and he referred to cutting himself and i had never known he had been doing any self harm at all. he had this hidden life that he was not sharing with us. while it was happening, and i was bewildered and scared and didn't know what was happening to us, i prayed that he would die. in the years since then, i've felt somehow especially wrong to have prayed that. i have met many families who have incarcerated children and i had sort of changed my thinking and i think, they are lucky, at least they can talk to their child. i felt guilty for having lost a connection with dylan. having not known that he was suffering. i think i've learned now that as parents, ourjob is not to make our kids feel better. we are so focused on trying to make our kids feel better and what i missed was i think ourjob is to help them feel, to help them feel and understand what they feel, and i didn't do that. you know, i'll never stop wishing that i could have those years over again. never. if i saw dylan face—to—face and i could ask him anything, i would ask him to forgive me for not being a mum he deserved, for not being someone he could come to and talk to, for not knowing how to listen properly to him. i would give anything to have him come to me and put his arms around me and say "it's ok". he did something terrible that day... and it took a long time to understand why. but he's my only son and i offered him unconditional love. the funny thing is, as you know, his mum when we were together at first, she had to convince me, she wanted another child. i said no, man, i don't want somebody like me, you know? and i didn't get somebody like me, i got somebody like andy. i'm so glad that his mum talked me into having another one. he had that terrible day, he had a bad experience beforehand, but he is still my son. i was pretty much off the mark before march 5th so this is like my time to kind of redeem myself a little bit and try and help him out. that's what i see myself as a father, to try and help him do the _ best he can and support him to become a better person. i don't want to hold any angerto him. to me, that is not yourjob as a parent. yourjob is to support your children no matter what. i didn't lose a son that day. i can still... on occasion i get to talk to my son, i get to hug him. i get to laugh with him. i don't know how i would feel if i didn't have that chance, other than i know i'd have a hole in my heart— and be at loss. it's hard to talk about the funeral. we had just a very few people there. i think in the room, maybe there were 12 people also. i wanted to have the body cremated before i left the premises because i was so afraid someone would hurt him or take him. i remember looking up at windows because i was afraid of the media, and i was constantly watching to make sure someone wasn't on some ladder somewhere trying to look in, snapping pictures of dylan in his casket or snapping pictures of us. he was just there in a cardboard box and they allowed each of us to have a few minutes with him. so my husband and my son and i each had time with him alone to say goodbye. what i remember doing wasjust like, you know, wanting to crawl in the casket with him. because he was so cold and ijust kept thinking, i've got to get him warm. ijust wanted him to be warm. i kept rubbing his arms and patting his hands. i said to him and i said it loud and i said, "darling, help me understand. "help me understand what happened." i said, "that's all i want to understand." and i didn't realise until that very moment that that did become my life's mission. i hope dylan has helped me understand because that's what i've been seeking for 20 years, is understanding. i prayed and prayed to him to guide me and to show me some kind of a path to get through so that i can cope with this and i can know what he... what he never said to me, and i do believe that that has happened over time and i have gained some kind of an understanding. thank you for using gtl. hi, son. hi, pops, how are you doing? it's been a good day overall. are you doing ok? so—so. just trying to stay optimistic. we are not going to give up on anything, 0k? i'm going to try not to. it is easier said than done when you see some of the stuff that goes on here. i know precisely how you feel. once i get out of this place... we will get you back to california. california, alaska, anywhere. i haven't got anything going in alaska. i would rather live out their on my own in private. live off the land. hey, anybody with any good sense wouldn't want to be there, you know? say it again? anybody with any common sense wouldn't want to be institutionalised. so, hey, we're not going to stop trying anything. i want you out of there. if you want me to call back tomorrow or something or another day, just let me know and i will call back. everything is cool right now. got that? i love you. i love you, son. take care. hang in there, we're still working. tell them i said hi and to take care. drive safely.. i will. i love you. the day when andy brought the gun to school, - my son was on his way to the _ classroom and the shooting happened almost right in front of him. _ so he knew right away what it was and did i not go around that corner but went the other way and then of course l called me to make sure he got me before i left the house. _ it was a terrible day for all of us. i i still can't believe that something i like that happened in our community. the boy that was shot and killed turned 18 l during the next year and _ so because i knew the parents, i put together over— 100 flyers for them to put up in the neighbourhood to come to their house and celebrate his - 18th birthday. and i wore the t—shirt, against andy. - when the sentencing. was going on, there was mass media all over the place l in our small town, at the school and trying to interview the kids because they _ were getting ready to - sentence this young man. i heard that there wasn't - going to be a trial, they were just going to sentence him to 50 years to life. - i did watch the procedures on tv because the saturday night - before they sentenced andy, i i met his father, jeff williams. a couple of weeks before andy's sentencing i thought, i might as well go to this bar down the street. i'm playing pool and in comes this striking redheaded lady in this red dress. i'm a shy person and so i don't know what compelled me to do it but it was like this attraction that said, you've got to go there, at least introduce yourself and make yourself look like an idiot. i go up to her and go, hi, excuse me, my name isjeff. i am andy's dad. i didn't want her to be blindsided. people have said bad things about me. ijust wanted her to know who i was up front. we sat there and talked for a little bit, went to her house and we sat at her kitchen table all night, just talking. i'm sitting there and i'm going, wow, this person doesn't hate me. she's actually talking to me like a human being. we've been together ever since, for 16 years. here comes the geese. when i broughtjeffrey- home and my son jonathan realised who he was, even he was, "mum, what are you doing?" - i said, "just listen to his story. "just have an open mind." and so my sonjustj was here visiting in ohio. he left the grandbabies here for 30 days while they went to _ japan, so that was my son and here isjeff and - they call him grandpa, so my side of the family has taken him . in and is treating him like a real. dad and a real grandfather. i could have walked away at any| time, and i still can, but i can't. you know, i love the guy. i'm responsible for having the guns there in the house. i feel responsible that i missed the signs to intervene sooner. but i was doing my best. i was doing what i thought was the right thing to do at the time, with what i knew. itell you, i haven't shot a gun since then. i don't ever intend on shooting a gun again. i've lost all interest in shooting. i have no interest to pick up a gun. i just want to stay away. i still cry today. people that were there that day, they are going to remember that, i can still see it, i can still see the ambulances. i can tell you, that was the worst day of my life. it takes a long time to get over a shock like this. if the emotion goes away, it doesn't twist my stomach, then i think there is something wrong with me. i should not... i should feel emotion, i should feel sadness, i should feel emotional about the kids that were killed and wounded and what happened and in the trouble that happened. there were a few warning signs that maybe could have been stopped and they were missed and the whole point is to get those warning signs out so they can be stopped. they are going to happen, school shootings are going to happen again but let's do our best that we can try to stop them. he is my son, the school shooter, and it's going to stay that way. everywhere i went, i didn't know if i should identify who i was. for a while, i went a different name. i even thought of moving out of town. i thought maybe i should just leave. but then i knew if i left, i would lose all of my personal support and i would be some stranger somewhere and they would say, that is the woman whose son killed all those people. so i decided to keep my name and to stop hiding, eventually, and just acknowledge who i was. it's fun. it's not about perfection, - don't worry about perfection. if you don't know. all the steps, don't worry about that, just have fun. this is your class. we want you to have - smiles on your faces, 0k? when the point comes when you begin to have periods of time where life feels almost normal for 20 minutes or 30 minutes or an hour, you might have days where you start to smile. you might forget for a while who you are and what's happened to you. then you start to feel guilty because as soon as you begin to feel happy, you begin to hate yourself because you think, how can i possibly feel happy when this terrible thing has happened? what kind of horrible person am ito feeljoy because i know that suffering is going on and ifeel somehow it's unjust for me to be happy. but at this stage in my life, i guess i would say, yes, i am. you know, of course i would have wished that these horrible things hadn't happened. but certainly i'm grateful that i've reached a place where life is ok and there's plenty to be thankful for. i had friends, and friends who knew dylan, people who i worked with, neighbours. people who were incredibly kind and supportive, thank god, because i could not have survived without that connection. do you bring a casserole to somebody whose son has just shot up a school? that is not part of our cultural lexicon. but, yes, my neighbours did. and i can still remember times when my neighbours came over and they brought dinner and they brought caller id, which was this newfangled thing that i had never heard of before. oh look, isn't that adorable?! oh, gosh! isn't he adorable? in the beginning, our entire world, our community, ourfamily, everybody, we were trying to answer this one question over and over again. why did this happen? what i learned slowly over time was it is never any one thing. things like this are extremely complex, they happen because of a variety of things going wrong and coming together. i will never understand fully how he could do it but i think there is another big component and i think it's relevant not only to dylan and his story and this story, but it's relevant to all of the world right now. that is the issue of one's ability to dehumanise other people. i look around now in life and i see it occurring all the time. i hear it in politics, i hear it on the news, i hear it when people blame and reduce people down to some element of themselves, forgetting the 99.999% of that human being that we have in common with each other and reducing someone down to some aspect of themselves, focusing on that. focusing anger on that, focusing anger and hatred on that. that frightens me because i think that's how human beings are cruel to each other. the greatest protective factor we have to protect people against suicide and against violence is connection. we've got to connect with each other better. we have to listen to each other better. # you see me here, i know you do # you might pretend but i'm a part of you...#. if you have been affected by this story, head to... hello. after the warmth ofjune, a completely different weather set up for the start ofjuly. probably summed up best by showing the outlook at wimbledon, of course, which starts on monday. first part of the week, rain at times, not a wash—out by any means, but it's going to feel cold. temperatures below average and a bit breezy at times before things warm up later. and the reason is you've got low pressure centred across scandinavia. we're on the southern edge of it. so winds coming in from the west and north—west and various banks of rain and with temperatures dropping compared to what we've seen, probably one of the coolest commutes we've had for a while on monday morning. temperatures for many in single figures. and whilst many start with some sunshine overhead though to warm things up, there will be showers getting going across the west and still there in the north of scotland. but it's this batch of showers at work from west to east across england and wales with some sunshine either side. so a few heavy showers lingering through the afternoon, too. but still, that cloud outbreaks of rain continues in northern scotland. a blustery day, particularly for england and wales. and that will just add to the cool feel, especially in the cloudier moments. and when the showers are coming through, temperatures at 15 to 20 below the july average of around 17 to 23 degrees. and another cool night will follow. showers fade for many for a while during the first part of the night, though, still that cloud outbreaks of rain in northern scotland edging a bit further southwards. and then later in the night, south wales and southern half of england, a bank of more persistent rain, will gradually work its way in, keeping temperatures up here in double figures, but a cool start to tuesday elsewhere. now it will be a wet morning, it looks like, across some southern counties of england, east anglia, before brightening up into the afternoon. sunshine and showers elsewhere. but central scotland into northern ireland, slightly more cloudy than we have seen on monday again a greater chance of a few showers brightening up in northern scotland. but really cool here, 12, 13 degrees and temperatures still in the teens further south, nowhere really getting much above 20 celsius. then as you go through tuesday night to wednesday, it's all down to what happens to this little wave here. at the moment looks like that will push through france taking more persistent rain. it could get very close to the south coast, though. so there is the chance of some high cloud drifting up and some outbreaks of rain through the english channel. but at the moment, it looks like that will stay clear. a few showers dotted around to the south, in the west, heaviest across scotland, northern ireland, some hail and thunder mixed in. and with winds a bit lighter than monday and tuesday, temperatures mightjust creep up a bit more in the sunnier moments. they will creep up even further into next end of the week welcome to newsday. reporting live from singapore, i'm mariko oi. the headlines. a relative of the french teenager, whose fatal shooting by police has sparked five nights of rioting, says the family never called for violence. translation: we don't tolerate at all what happened. we never called for hate or riots. a warning from nhs england: patients are paying the price for strike action and the disruption could get worse. china's new law — asserting beijing's interests on the world stage — comes into effect. we'll get live analysis of its impact. and a slice of history — war planes from world war two are found buried in a forest in ukraine.