>> greg: yes! yes. it feels so good. it feels so good. you're like the audience version of a brazilian wax. [laughter] >> greg: it's friday so you know what that means. let's welcome tonight's guest. he's a one-man show but not by choice, comedian joe mackey. side job is reading off the pharmaceutical side effects in commercials. crime podcast, emily -- [applause] >> greg: he's from jersey so most of the talking tonight will be done by his hands, actor-comedian vince august. [applause] >> greg: she's like a thanksgiving turkey, about 20 pounds and extremely dry. "new york times" best-selling author and fox news contributor, kat. >> greg: all right. before we get to some new stories let's do this. >> greg's leftovers. >> greg: make an analogy. it's leftovers write read the jokes we didn't use this week and as always it's my first time reading these. so if they suck we'll season joe mackey with salt and pepper and feed him to a grizzly bear. why not? >> greg: all right. this week in d.c., thieves try to break into the car of joe biden's granddaughter prompting an enaged biden to say where do they keep finding these granddaughters? [laughter] >> greg: tim scott has dropped out of the 2024 presidential race to help raise awareness that he was in the 2024 presidential race. megan rapino says her career ending injury is proof that god doesn't exist. it's true, got does not watch women's soccer. who does? , i mean, even satan won't watch that. new york mayor erica adams showed off two drone-like helicopters he hailed as the future of travel in the big apple. and to anticipate this, they have already filled the aircrafts with stale urine. [laughter] >> greg: not the fresh urine. stale urine. more expensive. in preparation for president biden's summit with president xi, san francisco erected a wall for security enhancements, which makes it the first erection joe has seen in decades. [laughter] >> greg: so obvious. you people. it was a flat erection, kat. on sunday, a camera crew from the czech republic was filming in san francisco when they were robbed at gunpoint. so the world will never get to enjoy that documentary on how safe it is to make documentaries in san francisco. taliban soldiers were filmed patrolling the streets of kabul on roller blades. they were then forced to execute each other because roller blading is gay. [laughter] >> greg: i don't make the rules. images went viral of firefighters hoisting a massive horse out of a california canal. after the rescue they safely returned the horse to the rest of its family. never fails. could have been a cow. doesn't matter. a massachusetts student's message in a bottle was found in france 26 years later and even more shocking, is what was written on it. [laughter] >> greg: a 15-year-old broke his own stacking record. jinga stacking record. which has inspired the new hallmark film, why i will die a virgin. martha stewart says she's canceled her thanksgiving dinner. guests looking at the turkey could be redundant after her "sports illustrated" cover. i know. [boos] >> greg: joe biden says homeless people are the hardest hit by climate change. there is one thing hobos complain about it's warm weather in november. an iowa man's collection of 69,255 pencils have earned him to be in the "guinness book of world records." now that his record is set he looks forward to shoving them all of his ass. that doesn't even make sense. i don't even get that but somehow it stayed in. much like the pencils. a new study found that the average adult spends just four hours a month with their friends. and that numbers drops to zero if you don't have any. >> bret: just keep the camera on him. all right. david, i can't pronounce his name. david depape, the man who beat nancy pelosi's husband with a hammer, was found guilty of attempted kidnapping and assault. federal prosecutors said he went there initially to break nancy's kneecaps but changed his mind when he realized something would be blocking his target. i don't get it. i don't get it. >> greg: anyway, earlier this week, alec baldwin made a brief cameo appearance on snl. viewers noted baldwin was clearly happy that he got another shot. >> greg: just the news. barbie's boyfriend ken was passed over for induction into the toy hall of fame. he would have protested but as we all know ken doesn't have any balls. the 10 freeway in downtown l.a. was recently shut down after a fire broke out near a homeless encampment. visibility was so bad because of the smoke there was a two-hour wait to get carjacked. the kardashians are getting ready for thanksgiving. in fact, they are putting on a play for neighbors where they pretend kim's ass is plymouth rock. and finally, jimmy kimmel will host the 2024 oscars. i know. no surprise there. choosing yet another black host. [applause] >> greg: to the news. will trump kill us all if we elect him next fall? the economist published an article this week saying donald trump poses the biggest danger to the world in 2024. if you're wondering why they call it the economist it's because it has a nicer ring than full of weekly [ bleep ] that brings the total number of articles this week claiming trump will kill us to 819. the rag argued that a trump's victory would spell doom for the planet with trumpes straying everything from american democracy to global climate to international affairs. they left out that he'll surely be responsible for breaking up taylor swift and travis kelsey. so never mind hamas or iran or north korea. trump is now worse than the media's previous villain, climate change. that's saying something but why. "mr. trump would be unbound in his pursuit of retribution, economic protectionism and these theatrical deals. spilling board rooms with despair. translation, be scared. be very scared and if all of that weren't enough the el light are also trying the proven meth of calling him hitler. trump echoed the nazi dictator when he used the word vermin to refer to his political enemies during a campaign rally last week but that's an elegant way of calling them rats. the media seizes on vermin, is trump becomes hitler before our eyes we see on tik tok that osama bin laden is getting a makeover. influencers have been gloryfying him in viral videos praising his so-called letter to america which garnered sympathy from the stupid people who think 9/11 is nothing more than mo by's birthday. never forget. never forget moby's birthday, come on, guys. thank you, jean. that laugh. it's like somebody is tickling sydney brady. >> greg: so as predicted, the sigh on begins creating a terrifying and divisive climate that will make 2016 and 2020 look like a rest hole birthday party. we have two wars raging both which didn't exist under trump, and as these wars rage the media industrial complex says trump is the thing that's going to kill you. not war. why is that? you could only conclude from this hysterical derangement that trump is not a threat to the globe. he's a threat to globalists. he's the odd man out. he's you and me and if they can't arrest him they will surely destroy him. and you, too. if you get in their way. pl [applause] >> greg: joe, when they were talking about all the bad things trump would do they didn't mention war. which is the number one bad thing. right? do you think this is a si-op, i hate using that because it puts you into the conspiracy realm. >> greg, a little bit of truth comes through. i made a list of how the gulf between reality and what the media is saying is growing even bigger. mostly peaceful protests. the economy is good. most secure election. the vaccine works. biden is like that because he stutters. january 6 was worse than 9/11. nikki haley won the debate. a little bit of truth comes through because they did mention the people that are most upset are in board rooms and parliament. so the people that are making money off of not representing this. >> greg: that's a great point. since when does the media feel bad because those people are scared? >> i can't go back to the board room now. >> greg: that's my second yacht. we're getting out of here. to the first yacht. emily, this is so interesting, because it seems that they are so intent on crushing trump that it's going to create a rebound effect. it's going to make me vote six times for him. instead of the five times in 2020. >> i mean, i hope so. i'm a little bit of a disheartened mood after the offyear election that is we just had, where i was sort of embracing what i thought or expecting a lot of people who had finally had enough, i thought. so i don't understand when enough is enough because i thought we passed that line literally two years ago. the amount of shaping the narrative that the left tries to do, that this administration tries to do, with his words, our president calls grown african-american men boy. all the time. right? his wife calls hispanic americans tacos, and that's -- >> i'm sorry, breakfast tacos. >> thank you, and yet they are able to laugh it off? they are able to, no, no, they didn't mean it, and then this former president says anything and it's manipulated to be the worst possible scenario, but the worst possible scenario is what we're in right now. obama administration 2.0, and because of their spinelessness, their rhetoric only appease. of iran and its allies we're less safe, we're in true danger, and our u.s. forces are getting attacked all the time with no deterrence because, of course, there is no deterrence. there is nothing that will ever back up any type of threat out of joe bide president's mouth. the reason we had peace and security dump trump -- 60 days into the biden administration who invades ukraine. it is insane to me they try to make him out to be anything less than peace through strength. that's all he'll ever be. >> the reason why racist dr. jill, call them breakfast tacos, is because they are always waking you up when you are blowing the leaves. [laughter] >> greg: see, i know, it's just disgusting. where does she get off? certainly not -- with joe. welcome to the show. it seems like they are going so far, that no one can take them seriously and they can't see it themselves. what do you think about this? >> well, if trump is, in fact, most dangerous threat to the world, thornburg has to find a new job. oh, my god, it's a threat to our democracy. it not a democracy. it's a capitalist republic. we know that. we know how the money flows but the way they twist the words, and, look, the thing that i love most about trump is you never know what he's going to say next so when he uses words like var minute, look, when the queen died the first thing i did was run to truth social, i've got to find out what this guy is going to say about the queen. top three favorite queens without a doubt, top three. dairy queen, number one, i like my queens to be american. everything that he says just ignites people, and it's like, you know, and then you have the other guy, what great about biden is i have never seen someone would gets bored at their own sentence halfway through. >> greg: right. >> like he starts, look, man, you've got to fix this thing -- oh, forget about it. [applause] >> greg: kat, i think it's been eye opening for a lot of people that, like, this isn't about ideology. it's about power. because trump, trump really doesn't have an ideology. he just has power. and they are scared of that, because, like he has liberal beliefs, he has conservative beliefs, he's a populist. what do you make of this? >> kat: are people still thinking this? he's been doing this for a long time, where trump is the most dangerous. are these the same people who also belief it when the host of the behalf lor says it's going to be the most dramatic series finale ever. how many times do you that? but at least, the bachelor, i still tune in. at least i know, i'm like, no, it probably won't be everything that they are saying it is and especially when biden, he really did run, i think, as the guy who was nice and who could be by partisan and work with other people. and obviously, the presidency didn't work out that way, but to see him doing it truly in the same couple of sentences, where he's like donald trump thinks he can win by dividing us, and he's hitler. you're doing the same thing, i think it's actually very harmful that we demonize people just because we might disagree with them on an issue, i think it's a horrible thing and i think it's getting worse but you can't make that point when you're also doing it yourself. >> greg: exactly. the other reality show, staple, that i love, is usually when somebody gets eliminated from the show. you haven't seen the last of me. yes, we have. every reality show, we never see you again. >> you're off the show. >> greg: all right. up next, sad news indeed, snoop gave up weed. get help reaching your goals with j.p. morgan wealth plan, a digital money coach in the chase mobile® app. use it to set and track your goals, big and small... and see how changes you make today... could help put them within reach. from your first big move to retiring poolside - and the other goals along the way. wealth plan can help get you there. ♪ j.p. morgan wealth management. ♪ no. ♪ -no. -nuh-uh. ♪ yeah. oh. yes. ♪ oh yeah. yes. isn't this great? yeeaahhhh!! ♪ yeah, i could do a cartwheel in here. oh hey! would you like to join us? no. we would love to join you. ♪ you want to know what it takes to be great? you work harder, go further, train longer. but there's more to it. the secret is how you recover. when active recovery is part of your game, you're thinking about your whole game. backed by science, trusted by champions, loved by all. activate your recovery with oofos. >> listen to your aunt ellen. this is a pretty big story, in my opinion. ♪ [applause] >> greg: aunt ellen in her monthly newsletter sent this to me, plus a couple of recipes on egg salad. has the world gone insane when snoop gives up maryjane? true legendary rapper snoop dogg said he's initially done smoking weed and marijuana stocks are dropping like joe biden's balls. >> bret: writing on instagram, after must have conversation with my family i've decided to give up smoke. please respect my privacy at this time. sure. but why did you tell everyone, then? of course, the 52-year-old rapper is known, shall we say, as a emergency enthusiast. you can get a contact high just looking at this picture. he spent decades advocating for its use and legalization. they even launched a canny bass brand less than a year ago which is why some people are a little more suspicious about his retirement but assuming it's real this is a big deal. snoop quitting weed is like cnn giving up lying. nobody has field tested weed more than this guy and snoop has concluded, weed just isn't worth it. we can only speculate as to why but even i have to admit it hasn't been all wine. it's hard to ignore the precipitation that the spike in mental illness is somehow connected to pot. tj contains a psycho-active ingredient and its grown more potent as it's been made more widely available. now some products currently for sale are more than 90% thc. but, i'm not a single variable thinker. there could be other reasons that are making our cities scarier than a waffle house at 2:00 a.m. i don't know. i'm not a doctor. but then does your doctor have his own tv show? dig that, dr. drew. [laughter] >> greg: emily, do you believe that snoop really quit, and let's just assume, yes? >> i'm so gullible so i believe everyone all the time no matter. what i sort of loved this because i love when anyone takes a sharp turn from what everyone assumes that they do. at the end of the day we're all humans and we all change you're mind so i love that he's before you put me in this box for the rest of my life i've changed my mind. what i want to know is, we learned how biden spent like $6 million. was it financial? was he spending millions on weed or something. that's what i would like to know. i also would like to know what he's going to indulge in and take up his time next, sort of a spokesman for because to your point he was a big influencer in that way and he was a shareholder in the cannabis company. >> greg: i think he's moved on to heroin. vince what do you think, does this hurt or help his image? >> first, i think he was stoned when he said it, so i don't even know if i can believe him. he probably forgot what he said five minutes later. no, i think part of the snoop brand is the fact that he's stoned all the time. like the videos that we're seeing him doing, animal c commenting, i don't want -- it's like, i liked you better when you were an alcoholic. i don't like an aa version of you. i want him to stay on it. in fact, i think we should send him a care package filled with weed and see how he does. let's see how he does. >> greg: you're a true friend. >> you know. >> greg: it's kind of like tiger woods not retiring but just quitting golf. golf is bad for me. >> what if he talks even faster than i do? what if the nonstone snoop is hilariously opposite? >> greg: i don't think that's a good thing, emily. you should take that to heart. all right, kat, i'm going to give you a serious question. i've been thinking about in for a long time. i'm pro legalization of everything but this mental illness stuff, alex, one of the first people that's pointed out this link, do you think there is anything to that to mental illness and the potency of pot? >> kat: i think, look, i'm not a doctor, right, so i don't know, but i don't think that should impact my views on legalization at all whatsoever. i think that if you make the choice that that's what you want to do then that's your choice and you can do that but it's good to have the information available about how potent it is and how crazy it is in terms of how much thc is in it and everybody can kind of decide for themselves what they want to do. i do think it's going to be interesting to, to your point, emily, to meet him. like, what is he going to be like? what if he acts exactly the same? what if he doesn't talk? what if he's just like the same guy. and also, he said smoke, so does that mean edibles are allowed? does that mean he's doing that vape life now? i mean, i know, i know, look, i know he said respect my privacy and we're all doing great job of that right now. but people are going to have questions so he's going to have to say something else. >> it she is could be that everyone is smoking weed so it's not cool anymore so it's like i'm going to move on to the new cool thing. >> greg: just like my aunt when 14uz smoking. you even said earlier, greg, your aunt is smoking. >> beautiful lady. >> greg: and she's available. have you ever quit anything? >> yes. >> greg: besides comedy. >> i quit the high school basketball team. >> greg: you quit the high school basketball team. >> the coach said don't come back any [laughter] [applause] >> i never started smoking pot, because like, imagine how much snacking i would do under that drug. it's all natural. but i will say congratulations to calvin if he was able to quit because quitting something you're addicted to is har. i read recently that matthew perry went to rehab 15 times and spent millions on it and people say quitting drugs is hard because they are addictive but maybe part of it is rehab really sucks. maybe we should examine why it doesn't work at all. >> greg: you know, in all seriousness, i don't believe in the rehab industry at all. i think, it's a thing for people wanting to quit but not deciding to quit so they come out and feel good when they get out and they go right back into it. >> it like, you know how they will get you to quit drugs. we'll put you in a room with a whole bunch of other people that really like drugs. [laughter] >> greg: and one of them is bound to be holding, what are the odds? all right. up next, our ongoing series answering your queries.