her, president harris, as she attempts to string words together like hack blinking christmas lights, and she is the dimmest bulb. >> that open letter, urging the administration to change course, change strategy. >> it's time for us to do what we have been doing. t that time is every day grade every day, it is time for us to agree that there are tools available to us to slow this down. >> greg: that time is every day. [laughter] it is like a song lyric. that's not word salad. that's a turd salad with a vinaigrette of voter regret. they scatter like a deck of cards, a strong wind. two metaphors tied together. [laughter] the democrats were hoping that her youthful enthusiasm would rub off on biden, because they've only been in the sameul room twice in the last year. instead, biden's incoherence has rubbed off on her, and is apparently as contagious as omicron. >> president biden: count the votes. count the votes. >> vice president harris: you can google it or go to any search engine, and see where a free testing site is available. >> president biden: to help lead our federal program, i have tapped dr. tom inglesby, correct? >> vice president harris: i would have to look at the current information, but soon. it is a matter of urgency for us. we are doing it. >> but should we have sooner? >> vice president harris: we are doing at. [laughter] >> greg: a new variant, call it joe-micron. doesn't aspire as much confidence as a doctor in the room wearing a female body inspector t-shirt. scientists thought that some covid leaked from a lab, but worried that debate would harm scientists in china. the last thing we want to do is bring a halt to lab experiments they are doing on caged poodles. this according to a recently surfaced emails in which one expert admits from nearly a year ago that a likely explanation was that covid had rapidly evolved in a low security lab. a "low security lab." to me, that sounds like the worst kind of lab. [laughter] at least from missing around for deadly viruses. kat is messing around making meth in her garage. [laughter] it was suggested that the virus was ready for rapid transmission between humans. that's a big woops, even bigger than the daily one between biden's slacks. did they lie to get the truth out?ai fat chance. they threaded that negating resource would do harm to science and china in particular. there was one that this could damage international harmony. they kept it quiet not to protect you, but the feelings of the brutal, lying dictatorship that is as sensitive as a chubby kid on tiktok.bu the former of the nih, what were they doing rather than telling us the truth? this. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i am looking at the signer over there, thinking "this is a time where i envy the deaf." [laughter] my ears are going to charge me with. the pandemic raged, and francis played his guitar like a camp counselor ruining your s'mores. the emails revealed that they are less interested in sciencer than politics, and felt it was better to hide the origins of a deadly virus and be open for those of us that we're about to die. there were people like us who knew the virus likely came from matlab.re some were scientists, and they were widely marked, some called racists. the mocking experts privately agreed with them, yet they left the people who said this publicly hung out to dry to protect their own asses andst p grants. they told us to wear masks in our cars, empty parks, swimming pools. how sane or the scientists in the first place? they created a deadly virus thinking they could reverse engineer a vaccine in the name of science. one address not create the virus?s? you don't need to reverse engineer the vaccine. they've made vaccines that fight natural viruses, so that we do not to invent new deadly or creepier once. what's the fun and that if you want to play god and suck up a government -- -- i'm not saying that this was leaked on purpose. i'm pretty sure no one wanted to kill more than 10 million people. in this arrogant, murky universe, experts knew there is a risk you could leak a deadly man-made virus, but they deemed the risk acceptable. when it happens, they blamed it on the wet markets, which is a gross version of trader joe's. while just down the road, researchers were bubbling around like nutty professors. how convenient.fe the pandemic had nothing to do with scientists. republicans had to force their hand to grant access to thete documents after these scientific institutions repeatedly resisted efforts to come clean. these emails show that scientists were already tryingeb to silence debate, claiming it would distract top researchers from their active duties here delay a nuclear weapon heading towards new york would distract people from going to work. collin is worried that the voices of conspiracy will quickly dominate, perhaps because, in that case, those voices were right. awful singing cannot drown them out anymore. they covered up the truth, and now we are covering up our faces. they knew the lab leak was related and they let on, and we are left with millions of dead. call it manslaughter coming with the crime is the gamble. they rolled the dice, accidental release, but born from a risk they accepted, like a drunk driver getting into his car. someone might get killed, but probably not going to be me. they put their reputations above human lives. to them, you weren't much more than the contents of a a petri dish. what is the punishment for that? even in the most liberal city, they would make you post bail. ♪ ♪ tonight's guest! politics stay conservative, but his beard says "daddy." chadwick moore. here's one more so than stereotype. she will slap you with her possum. [laughter] fox business acre dagen mcdowell. democrats say his comedy is worse than january 6th. michael loftus. she is proof blondes have more fun, if by fun -- priors kat timpf. [laughter] what is worse than your wardrobe? the contents of our experts or politicians. all of the above. >> can't they be equal? i find this whole thing deeply disturbing.. they are worried about "this might affect scientists in china."is i invite them to go to any college campus. science and china is going to be just fine. they are not going to take a big hit. [laughter] are options or warrants, accidental leak and bad soup. i am for the third rail, that whole "let's do this on purpose" they keep dialing up the different viruses. this seems also so perfect. "this one kills redheads, blondes. would you like something that kills five diabetics right before the election? the premise is that this was a valuable exercise: we create the killer so we can figure out how to stop the killer. problem is they created the killer in the killer got loose! and most sounds like a movie, dagen. >> dagen: if people watched more movies from the '80s, this would never have happened. what happens to our healthy fear of communism? communist countries want the united states off the face of the earth, take away our luscious freedoms. my parents raised me to fear the soviet union. they had nukes, hated america. i watched rock and bullwinkle more then natosha taught me -- then, 1994, "red dawn." thomas howell gave me the tingles, so i worked the vhs tapes. [laughter] wolverines! the soviet union was able. i'm not talking mccarthyism, the red scare, hunting people down, but we would never -- don't these old coots, gordon lightfooton and tony fauci, dont they realize this government -- why would you give them money if you knew they were going to do experiments in a lab that wass not safe? >> at least make it a high level lab. how hard is that? >> they have looked to destroy the united states, and if they have my knowledge from patrick swayze movies, this would never have happened.d. >> put that little weather-stripping in the windows. >> this is the only lab in china but does not have security cameras? "we don't know what happened!" [laughter] >> greg: this is the question i have not heard asked. we are talking about negligence, not premeditated murder. he did not want to kill a bunch of people. they thought in their heads that they were saving future lives, so they were doing god's work so to speak, saving millions. instead, 10 million lives w -- they did it in a careless lab, in a careless way. what kind of accountability is there? is there a death penalty -- i don't know. i am just putting that out there. [laughter] it's not for me to say. because something has got to happen! >> i don't know who you arrest. that's another question we get to. who do you charge? >> we know what the penalty for treason is in this country. i won't say that on television. what is the next logical thing to happen? an international treaty against research of this type, but nobody is even talking about that. it does not seem like that isat even on the table, because "science is winning." i would be surprised to learn about this international harmony that we apparently have. "it's so fragile, we've had it for so long!" next time there is a occurring, what do we do to make sure this does not disrupt the international harmony? have at the jam session? [laughter] >> call for a drum circle. >> that's the attitude people in abusive relationships have. "i know i'm being mistreated, but i would not want to disrupt the harmony. [laughter] "the gaslighting if anybodyl dared it to say "this virus that broke out in this same neighborhood as this lab full of viruses may be came from the lab full of viruses. they were like "you are insane, you are so crazy that you're crazy is dangerous. i banish you from online. ">> greg: what are the oddse that it broke out where the lab was? [laughter] what are the odds of that? that would get picked up, and they would call me crazy. if you just mentioned the name "china," a link to the lab, you were racist. that's what's weird about this thing that made me think it was a cover-up. if you said "chinese lab," that was racist, but if he said wuhan markets, that wasn't racist. in fact, that is more racist, because you are attributing it to a cultural practice, and it's a farmers' market. the reason it is wet is because they hose down the ground.d. it's not that good, that's take it from me. >> i would like to get the water after when they hose it down. that's when it's good. everything is mixed together, jambalaya. >> greg: here's a lot of white people did not want to blame and china. i must've said this two years ago. it is not just about them. we sponsored, so we can't say "i see people in china -- we are there." if you had to do a lawsuit, you will would have to sue the united states. there are sponsorships in the u.s. if ouchi oversaw the research funding. we like that lab! it's going to be on us. i think we went to that lab. matt ridley, we had him on here. he nailed this thing down. it is insane. i don't know what to do! it's crazy! accountability! still to come, we will check in with tyrus later in the show. first, saying it's wrong to argue a case without a diaper on his face. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> greg: she stashed her kid in the trunk because she thought she would get the covid one. a reprieve in on mom's flight for treating her son like samsonite. this houston mom and teacher -- aren't they all?ev [laughter] -- was accused of putting her covid positive kid in the trunk so she would not get used to the virus. the judge said there is not probable cause to charge her, in texas, where everyone gets the electric chair, even those arrested for stealing electric chairs.se her case could go before grand jury. neil gorsuch drew the ire of "the new york times," the rag shaming him for not wearing a mask during oral arguments, my favorite kind. r[laughter] -- about biden's vaccination mandates, and saying that not wearing a mask to make others uncomfortable, saying it's making them risky and disdainful of his colleagues. how much more comfortable do these justices need to be?s they are already wearing robes and not much else. [laughter] if what i have heard is true. perhaps, he does not wear a mask to keep the ladies at bay. as it turns out, masks make you hotter, and not just ine terms f lipid sweats. the humongous british study, of 43 people -- [laughter] -- found that women were more attracted to pictures of mask men than those who were mask was. they must go for the looters. one thinks it's because they focus more on the eyes, but we know that is b.s. it's about hiding with the brits are known for. yeah, those gnarly teeth. usa! [laughter] i don't even think they watch this show over there. they wanted to put this theory to the test here in the states. >> the doctor said my rash is not contagious. my blind date is here, got to go. >> you must be chris. ♪ ♪ >> i don't think this is going to work. >> why? because of the vibe, the mask. >> i've got my mask right here. >> hello, gorgeous. [laughter] what are you doing later and after that? >> greg: i don't know. what is jean trying to tell me? why don't i not get? [laughter] >> i don't know. >> the big mask! [laughter] >> i believe in big masks. i know i do, because without makeup, i am probably more attractive with a mask because of the rosacea i have developedw because of the mask. i have gotten less attractive, and now i need the mask. i didn't need it before. i was perfect. [laughter]i now, i'm not. i'm sick of it. all the tv we watch, they are not wearing masks, which makes sense. the actors need to convey the emotions of the characters. why is that considered notsk important for the rest of us in real life? >> greg: that's true. rosacea, sounds better than it is. it's a beautiful name, rosacea. it's like a type of wine. [laughter] but, it's not. there is no fun. >> why are you laughing at my skin condition? [laughter] >> that is government propaganda, if you ask me. >> give yourself a few years. [laughter] >> i know you understand this, kat, you can hide things in your mouth. if you need to pop something in her mouth, before you go to a plane or concert. >> like a tab of acid? [laughter] >> you put whatever you need in a bag, put it in your cheek, put your mascot. no one has figured this out except me. >> i have thought of this easier. that will make tsa better now. [laughter] >> you know what? t i don't need to talk to you anymore. you make me sick to my stomach. [laughter] all right, dagen, you've got the masking study, neil gorsuch, the lady in the trunk. which one do you want to attack? >> the kid in the car was 13 in the trunk. that's a lot more cool riding in the trunk than in the car with your mom. i will see kat's rosacea and raise her chronic stars and blepharitis. >> i don't have that! >> that's in your eyes! how do you get the mask up to your eyes, you weirdo?o? >> i am here to bring you news: the instances of eye infections and blepharitis, eye problems, have gone through the roof, like 50% increase, doubled since covid because of the mask. p it causes excess oil production in your eye glanced. i have a mask on. "ignore this giant sty, this goiter on my neck that is the size of kermit the frog." [laughter] i have fairly decent teeth, all i got going for me. don't look at mike rowe's feet. [laughter] i need the opposite of a mask. [laughter] >> the form -- i was recently on the "gutfeld!" show. >> that could explain what happened to pelosi's eyebrows. if it all moves upward -- her eyebrows, have you seen them lately? those worthy arches.rc of these three stories, which one -- it's also sad. "masks make you hot -- no they don't. you note else? tequila. [laughter] >> am i right over there, drunkie? >> you i am a crippling alcoholic. [laughter] >> the common assumption is if you do not wear a mask that there's something wrong with you. they are doing this study. theyey actually know what the study is just by looking at it. "i get it, i'm supposed to pick that. we will do it this way." or, there is someone at the cdc with a mask fetish who doesn't want to let it go. >> if you have a mask fetish, this is the golden age. >> it's like when you have a foot fetish and there are footlocker commercials. [laughter] >> masks, you can barely read out of them. >> good times. [laughter] we've got to go. enough of this. up next, would you name your kid clayton payton, or satan? ♪ ♪ hi. i'm wolfgang puck when i started my online store wolfgang puck home i knew there would be a lot of orders to fill and i wanted them to ship out fast that's why i chose shipstation shipstation helps manage orders reduce shipping costs and print out shipping labels it's my secret ingredient shipstation the number 1 choice of online sellers and wolfgang puck go to shipstation.com/tv and get 2 months free ♪ ♪ >> would you rebel naming your brat after the devil? forget the omen damien, here is a child with an even worse name -ien. an english woman -- aren't they all -- is getting flamed online for naming her newborn son lucifer. at 27-year-old mother announced to the whole country during an appearance on a popular british n'show. i believe it was benny hill. [laughter] i think it's on netflix. she's not alone. there was a new trend among parents called demon naming. i'm sure this is not true. yes, demon naming. [laughter] no, it's not. it is based on the popular tv show, lucifer, which i think stars edris elba. >> now, that is "luther." [laughter] >> that is great! the mother says she is not religious, and her naming choice was not meant to be satanic. now, she says she has been getting threats for giving her child a demonic name. come on, people. it's not like she named him something evil like prince andrew. dagen -- that's not your real name, is a question might >> it is. it's my real name. it's my middle name. >> greg: mary dagen mcdowell! >> it's better than a very royal name. >> chadwick. [laughter] >> "chadwick, could you run to whole foods?" [laughter] "get me some wine vermin? [laughter] >> take them with you. be good we are all out of rosacea! >> i wish. [laughter] dagen, isn't it weird that you cannot pick your name until you are -- obviously you cannot do it when you are a baby. maybe, that was a dumb question to begin with. [laughter] >> i think a bad name and cute baby is better than a good name and ugly baby. nobody will call kids out. rather than them picking on thin mother about the name, if they kid is ugly, tell her. wash the kids hair. "why's your kid so much smaller than all the other things question might [laughter] >> if the mother took a photo of herself -- holding the baby, and she put a filter over it.ig the baby looked like satan, plastic like damien. [laughter] >> is that the baby? >> black gloss over its eyes. don't want to be recognized. >> there was one like damien omen number 26. >> these are kind of funny. why do we have to have them? wouldn't it be great if youu decided to go nameless? whenever you had a contract, you just don't put anything down? >> why can't you show them a microchip? scam us. we are numbered: 666. [laughter] >> names are important. they are a blessing, a way to remember the people who came before you. i am named after a memberre -- >> of the monkeys. [laughter] >> -- you are named after relative? >> yes. >> it's good, you want to keep the memory alive. >> this young lad, lucifer, someday, well thank her. [laughter] will get so much detail. [laughter] it's like that johnny cash song, "the boy named sue." it will be rough for him coming up, but in high school there will be a cool golf pro asks his name and he will say "lucifer." >> i don't want to think about this. [laughter] >> my first birth certificate says baby girl timpf. she will keep the name despite the hate. she picked the name for attention. she called into the show. "i named my kid lucifer." she wants this attention. she would be upset at anyone. >> to that point, chadwick, the mom was looking for attention. "ever since you called me lucifer, my life has been -- i have been saved!" >> i think it is a cop-out. he could go by lou, luke. she should have gone with the father of lies johnson. mark of the beast sullivan. [laughter] that would've been more badass. lucifer, i don't know if she knew that was satanic. >> got it off the tv show. [laughter] >> lucifer, get your brother adolph and get in here. >> chairman mao, sit down. coming up, a wrestling champ who can bench press your grandpa. ♪ ♪n. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> checking in on tyrus. >> what did you think would be next? checking in with a man whose shirts are sized xxx...xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx. [laughter] this week, we talked also so much about the virus, not nearly enough to tyrus! how's it going? >> oh, got fouled. [laughter] i would say i miss you, but i've been sitting here the whole time. i want to point out to the group, the lucifer kid thing, tyrus is a demon. we are a bunch of evil old people. >> i miss you. i could stare into your eyes. why don't we do that for 5 minutes? [laughter] does that make you uncomfortable? >> the good news is i can't seel it, all it got to do is stand up. [laughter] >> that was uncalled for. tyrus is at home, what you call your home?au what is that word? oh, sequestering. >> house arrest. [laughter] you know what i learned, gutfeld? we are in trouble. three plus two is either 4 or 5, or whatever you are comfortable with. [laughter] that is an acceptable answer. we are learning mandarin now. [laughter] >> i hope she does not get anta engineering major and start designing bridges. "it might stay up." [laughter] one of the stories we cover this week was cnn's ratings nosedived by 90%. you don't see stuff like that. what should they do? >> typically, when that happens, you get canceled. may be, they need to get a whole new variety of shows. here's an idea: try telling the news. there you go, or, stop supporting people that do horrible things. the new life after lockup on cnn, the entire cast. [laughter] >> or, life before lockup. they'll go to jail. [laughter] >> there you go, a new reality spin. >> either they have this void left by chris comeau, they need a better personality, someone who is better with women, like matt lauer. [laughter] >> the funny thing is, they are trying to -- they are movings through the channels. i literally was listening to them attack fox news the entire show. it is making everyone -- let's say you weren't interested. they say it so much, they do commercials for fox news. it will be like "keep it up, cnn." we are going to move on to a more serious story. i know this is one you care about, the fbi reporting. last year, intentional killings of police officers had a 20 year high. what do you wish was being done to protect our law enforcement? >> first and foremost, acknowledging it. this is breaking news. this is a story. if you were ever going to have a panel to talk about a crisis america, this is it. you defunded the police, empowered the criminal elements. every time a police officer has to make a tough arrest for someone to arrest, the person is automatically rosa parks, and police officers are automatically evil. we have had bad situations, but there's no information out there for officers to be told "these things are happening." support your local police department. if you see someone who's talking about doing something bad to a cop, report it. no one is talking about it. i find it shocking. i rely on the police in my community to keep our streets safe, and i would be giving them information if i saw stuff, or if a news report was out there. this is more important to me than talking about january 6th for all hours of the night.if let's get the people incarcerated, shooting these cops, men and women -- let's get them behind bars. >> before we go, you have a fun event in new orleans coming up.g >> the whole king of comedy thing, i am trying to be supportive. i guess that makes me a prince. apparently, i'm going to be the king of new orleans. [laughter] we are crowned up. harry connick jr. started this in 1991. it is a huge event. mardi gras is big in louisiana, new orleans. i am going to be the monarchy. it's going to be pretty cool. i get a crown and a cloak. on top of my championship, i have enough flair with my crown and everything else. it's really exciting. when they called me, they said we are going to fly you into new orleans. we are going to have a band. they will pick you up. "i live in louisiana." what? [laughter] i asked if i could drive and they said "you've got to do a police escort." it's going to be a whole thing. i am truly honored. it just goes back to the success of our show, and how 2-3 misfits, a big dumb wrestler, a guy who talked too much, and a woman who wears glasses who does not need them -- [laughter] we are starting to cross into the mainstream. everyone is taking lazy pills. congratulations to our team. we are starting to be recognized for what we do. i'm proud of that. >> to paraphrase a character from jaws, we are going to need a bigger float. [laughter]ro >> none of those shows could call the king of late night. >> all right, good sir. talk to you soon. you will be back next week! up next, our fans feeling fickle about an exhibitionist pickle? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> gutfeld investigates. i am your host, angela lance barrett. as the pickle a perv or troll throwing a curve? was the mascot soaked in brine caught having too good a time? this summer league baseball team called the portland pickles, lead their mascot, a giant pickle named dylan, take over their twitter. no one knows social media like fermented condiments. i never make an instagram was without running it past a bowl of sauerkraut. dylan's first tweet was this picture. the caption "new phone who dis?p i'm torn. is that a thumbs up or mascot going full jeffrey toobin? either way, that was his first and last tweet. four minutes later, the team explained that their mascot was misinterpreted, but he was just trying to give a thumbs up and not some new joke, which is the same excuse i gave at the bus station every day last week. [laughter] help me. that also got california senator scott winner -- it seems like they wanted to be misinterpreted! maybe he was workin' his gerkin' after all. that concludes our lesson of how to be a journalist.tepr the purpose of the mascot is to do mischievous things! they have a problem. the san diego padres mascot is called the swinging friar the rockies mascot is called egner, and bernie and his sausage friends. [laughter] >> that is what makes "got gutfeld investigates" hard-hitting emmy-winning stuff. >> you can be family, friendly based mascot. you can also be a guy who takes pictures of his penis and he tweets it. once you do one, you close the door and the other. this was his first tweet. i've said it before and will again, don't lead with a leap pick, dylan! >> put them in quite a pickle. >> stop. [laughter] >> i did that. [laughter] >> i've done a lot worse. >> his complexion is much more healthy than some people i have been with. >> i hate it when it turns green. [laughter] >> i did buy a pickle t-shirt. it says "keep pickles weird." i did not make that up. i will wear it around new york. maybe it will keep the at bay. actually, that's not what i want. [laughter] >> last word to you, loftus. >> the kid in the pickle suit went for it. he's got a great story. "i was a pickle for a day, took a [bleep] picture."we [laughter] he's got a great story for the rest of his life, no matter what he accomplishes. "they were talking about it on the number one late-night show." >> you are like our shows mascot, michael. you wear a costume, a horrible one. [laughter] on that note, don't go away. we will be right back. ♪ ♪r >> we're out of time. >> we're out of time. thanks to tyrus, miking and kat. i'm greg gutfeld. i love you, america. >> jesse: hello, everybody. i'm jesse watters along with sandra smith, harold ford jr., dagen mcdowell and brian kilmead, it's 5:00 in new york city and this is "the five." >> there's a lot of talk about disappointments and things we haven't gotten done. we are going to get a lot of them done i might add. >> jesse: president biden trying to make the best of the week of epic failure and embarrassment. the white house now reeling