People, okay, and if you dont give me the cash im going to release pictures of that dog of yours humping your neighbors leg nonconsensually. Isnt that black mail . No, its blue mail. Oooh, i dont feel so good. Whats wrong, mailbox . I have been selfmedicating. Welcome to booze clues laughter oh, god gagging announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonights open sesame, plus stephen welcomes Phoebe Wallerbridge with a special e and stayby s homin. Now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen h hello and welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Where are my glasses . Throw head. That gives you an idea of whats going on in the squirrel cage now. I hope youre holding up in this crazy time. I feel pretty good. We hope to make you feel better with our show every night. Eerybody at the show is happy to be doing this for you right now, and we know were lucky to have jobs because in the last month alone 22 million americans have been laid off and, unf
To commemorate everything the president didnt do. Order your coronavirus check, signed by donald trump, today. Please allow 810 weeks for delivery or longer if his hand cramps up. Its a late show with stephen colbert. Tonight whos to blame. Plus, stephen welcomes Shaquille Oneal astronaut Matt Berninger jessica meir featuring jon batiste and stay homin. and now, live on tape from a safe distance, its stephen colbert. Stephen are we rolling . Were rolling right now. And were on the air right now. What do you think of what do you think of the thing . Last night Cate Blanchett said i should have a flower or Something Back here . Is the orchid working . Or does this look like the lobby of a spa. I dont think so. I dont i dont think so. Is it real . Its real. I dont think so. Folks, if you watch the show, you know i criticize donald trump a lot, but with this coronavirus gripping our nation, i realize i dont do it enough. And i blame myself a sentence donald trump has never said. Because do
[ cheers and applause lets see. What do we got going on . A new star wars movie came out to mixed reviews everybodys talking about the musical cats. And a president who is facing impeachment Just Launched a bombing run in iraq. You know what, actually, lets hold on a second yeah, thats what im talking about [ cheers and applause thats where were at. President trump yesterday dismissed concerns that iran might retaliate for his strike on a military leader, saying quote, if it happens, it happens. [ light laughter ] wow, youre talking about the possibility of world war iii and you sound like Courteney Cox talking about a friends reunion. [ laughter ] look, if they want to do it, ill show up [ light laughter ] a missouri pastor is facing six months in prison after allegedly asking for sexual favors from men on the dating app grindr in exchange for an arbys gift card [ laughter ] which is ironic since grindrs slogan is also, we have the meats. [ laughter ] [ applause ] a 600pound tuna was
[ cheers and applause lets see. What do we got going on . A new star wars movie came out to mixed reviews everybodys talking about the musical cats. And a president who is facing impeachment Just Launched a bombing run in iraq. You know what, actually, lets hold on a second yeah, thats what im talking about [ cheers and applause thats where were at. President trump yesterday dismissed concerns that iran might retaliate for his strike on a military leader, saying quote, if it happens, it happens. [ light laughter ] wow, youre talking about the possibility of world war iii and you sound like Courteney Cox talking about a friends reunion. [ laughter ] look, if they want to do it, ill show up [ light laughter ] a missouri pastor is facing six months in prison after allegedly asking for sexual favors from men on the dating app grindr in exchange for an arbys gift card [ laughter ] which is ironic since grindrs slogan is also, we have the meats. [ laughter ] [ applause ] a 600pound tuna was
Whoever their pollster is, they suck. [ laughter ] i dont know not according to the poll. [ laughter ] two associates of President Trumps lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, were arrested last night for Campaign Finance violations. Hmm, well, looking at their faces im sure this is all just a big understanding. [ laughter ] according to prosecutors, two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last night had purchased oneway Airline Tickets out of the country but, of course, giulianis most dangerous associate has his own plane. [ laughter and applause according to cnn fact checkers, President Trump made 66 false claims last week said trump, actually we didnt even have a last week. This is our first one. [ laughter and applause this is our first week ever. Thanks to the trump administration. The Oxford English dictionary added several new words this month, including the phrases fake news and circlejerk, which, coincidentally, were both working titles for the show, fox friends. [ laughter and app