Never going to win, thats where were at in the republican president ial race. As we see it in tonights democalypse 2016, roll back to your own house our first brave new entrant. Im getting ready to do something, too. Im running for president. Our founders never intended us to have a professional political class. Im Carly Fiorina, and im running for president. Jon and i want to turn the clinton political machine off laughter and rewind us to simpler times. Oh, bheep, bleep , heres a picture in picture. No, i hit closed captioning. Thats laughter mother bleep laughter Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy apparently from inside a mesothelioma lawsuit ad laughter what does the former c. E. O. Of Hewlett Packard who laid off 30,000 people, got fired and still got a 30 million golden parachute called her qualifications. I think im the best person for the job because i actually understand how the economy works. Jon yes, you do laughter but can she handle the couric gauntlet . Many have tried
Mentioned, tom brady, i believe i called him a cheating bleep . Well now its payback tom brady sidelined, suspended for four games without pay for his role in deflategame. Jon boom four games without pay obviously doesnt need the money and at his age maybe the break will help preserve his career and probably spend the time on the beach with the family he loves. [bleep] its not even punishment he always wins they should have sentenced him to hard labor, a few months of crashing rocks in a prison gang not even that the hard labor cuts his abs like diamonds no last cast him out to wander in rags a bearded pariah to send a message we shall not tolerate as a nation the deflation of our sacred balls i dont know. Son of a bitch now he just looks like muscled jesus theres no way to stop him. Tom brady is superman. If only he had a weakness a kryptonite oh, right, eli, yeah. cheers and applause meanwhile, the president ial race continues to heat up. This weekend many of the early candidates are
Actually not boom. Not boom. Not boom something happened without the deal came at the end of an exciting week that began with top diplomats pulling red bull fueled all nighters and ended with the iranian kid and play dancing in the streets and they werent persian youths inspired by the breakthrough. The unprecedented move, ordinary iranians. Many marked the moments by taking selfies with their television. You know, our cultures, our cultures are not so different. Actually i got caught doing the same thing watching naked and afraid. Oh, you can see my third mickey mouse ear shaped nickel in the middle of i just thought i would point that out. So iranians are excited because any nuclear deal would involve lifting the International Sanctions crippling their economy. But what are they actually giving up in exchange . It requires iran not to enrich uranium to reduce the centrifuges from 19,000 to 6,000. Dismantle a plutonium reactor, which is another path to the bomb. And calls for strict u
Jon welcome to the daily show my name is jon stewart well. Have a good show for you tonight. How are you guys tonight . Famous Movie Television producer and author brian grazer is going to be joining us. I got to be honest with you last week with everything that was going on in the world and baltimore in particular, was tough a lot of chaos confusion. So i happened to get a good weekend and coming in today i was feeling fresh fresh start i felt good. News breaking overnight from texas. Two heavily armed men opened fire at an event featuring a cartoon contest. Both suspects are dead after being shot by police officers. Jon so so my weekend was good until [bleep] thank god no innocent people were killed you. But who shoots up a cartoon con test. Granted ziggy is not what it used to be. And i think garfield has been coasting for a long time. Family circus those arent even jokes it is like an actual circus it seeks to entertain but it really just fills you with sadness. But thats so what k
New jersey. Two states united in one spirit. And that spirit is corruption. laughter it is what we do it has been part of new york and new swrersee history ever since the founding of the state by michael jersey and laughter lets say sergeant york. Who then sold the state to six Different Countries before fleeing to mexico with the cash and getting married. laughter colonial men were quite am i wrong about that, they had tiny heads and little pear shaped bodies. And i follow their lead. Both States New York and new jersey remain awash in scandal to the point where its hard to guess which corruption is taking place where but its worth a try. And a brandnew game we call quid pro oh cheers and applause swrz heres what were going to do. Heres what were going to do. Were going to roll the First Business tree corruption story and im going to put on a blindfold so im to the going to know. They may tell you but im to the going to know. All right, all right hold on hold on. Hit me with the first