Cuz i dig that [bleep]. laughter its abuzz. Theres some sort of throne games totally missed that that was going on. And then apparently madonna sucker kissed drake and i assume to lay one of her laughter co jon one of her it looked like sheni laid one of her eggs in his stomach. But the most battling trend was what seemed like this state farm commercial gone viral. Im getting ready for a lot of things. Big boy coming your way. Were starting gardens ready. And my tomatoes are ledge endary here in my own neighborhood. I am now going back to work. Im getting ready to retire soon. Jon this is boring as [bleep]. laughter i dont understand why this is creating a twitter s deal . Its ode people stuff. Opening doors and changing gravel buckets. And oh, i know that lady laughter im getting ready to do something too. Im running for president. Jon oh. laughter okay. Weird they wouldnt let you make your own commercial. You had to you had to share your announcement with a guy from a gravel company. That so Hillary Rodham general Everson Stein em clintoned iii has observationly announced her canadians candidacy for president of the United States again. I applaud hillary for not acting like she is drop a bombshell with the announcement because, you know, this isnt about she doesnt even appear until halfway through. She says she wants to run as an underdog make it clear to etnzvores she wants to earn their votes. She is driving to iowa. Clintons road trip is designed to send a new kind of message. Shes listening to voters and determined to earn their support this time around. Jon thats a refreshing change from her 2008 strategy. Shut up im talking. laughter the republicans, of course, have been anticipating this announcement since like3 jon they have had ample time to man the ramparts stockpile the munitions rand paul was first out of the gate with a clintonthemed classic replete with dystopian cliches because orwell predicted the future where tv is giant never in color and for some reason outside. laughter rnc chairman priebus was prepared with a humorous clintonthemed thumb drive attack. And president ial candidate ted cruz was also prepared. Hillary clinton represents the failed policies of the past. Jon are you [bleep] kidding me . Rand paul has got sachi an sachini priebus is manufacturing premiums and are you banging out a quick vine on the set of what looks like a 1970s porno shoot . laughter can we zoom out on that . Oh i knew it i knew it decapitating a panda. First time i saw cruz i said to myself i bet that guy chops up pandas. He taped that in a panda chopping dungeon. And of course the pundits were not impressed wnsd she has tremendous baggage. I mean do American People really want another four or eight years of clintons an their weird marriage . laughter jon maybe, maybe im oldfashioned i want a president nr that is part of ani couple i can get along with. Maybe later on in the night i could swing with, ron and nancy, you know. Two gin antonics i would bang either one of them. laughter but of course as always all response pail in comparison to wayne la pierre master of understatement. She will notnr bring a dawn of new prnoise and opportunity. Hillary Rodham Clinton will bring a permanent darkness of deceit and despair forced upon the American People to endure. Jon and when you and your children areni walking this haunted wasteland feasting on the bodies of the dead crying out to god to save you from yourni cursed existence you willni rue the day you voted for a center leftish establishment democrat. laughter holy [bleep]. Is there any other representative that only speaks in revelation language . But of course the inevitable america destroying apocalypse that will result from a Clinton Presidency is not la pierres only gripe with clinton. I have to tell you eight years of one demographically symbolic president is enough. applause jon wow, i guess your dog whistle wasnt working. And you just went with the regular whistle. For more we go to senior Political Correspondent jessica williams. Jessica, thank you for joining us. cheers and applause hi. Jon jessica, sorry i see i see you are very busy there. Oh yeah im just doing some gardening like every day people do in america. Jon uhhuh. I hope you like tom toms jon im going tomatoes im wering to bring you a [bleep] load. Jon i dont eat tomatoes in the [bleep] load. You are doing clinton can put all the regular people in her ads it is not going to convince republicans. I with disagree. Conservative was love to vote for hillary if only shes with a guy an her marriage werent so weird. Jon but clarely thats not true jessica look at obama, hes clearly a guy and he has what seems to be a very nice marriage. Its the one thing that obama has not taken heat on quite frackly i mean jon come on man. Were you like not listening to them . Jon wait i thought we were in the garden and you were you also you also pick yeah im an american. nr anyway obama is a male in a good marriage but hes a little too demographically symbolic. Thats afro talk for black. You know if you want the republican vote you got to check all three boxes. Jon but see thats not true. Why did they hate jimmy carter. He had all three things and he they ever they only dump on him. So look, you dont think jimmy carters marriage was weird . Jon, the man was a penis farmer. laughter jon peanuts he was a knee nuts he farmed peanuts. You cannot farm you cant you cant farm penises is what im thats not what i heard. Jon well, i dont know who would tell you that. Because heres the other thing too. Its not like all republican candidates always meet that criteria either. You know Newt Gingrich in 2008 he was a frontrunner for a time. He was onni his third wife aka the woman he left his second wife for. Yeah, i mean exactly jon. And you know when a marriage gets weird you just got to get out andco get a new one you n÷ju . laughter jon is that is that a sheep there . Is that well technically its a ram. There there big fella it will allco be over soon. Jon what about the republican himself reagan called his wife mommy. Whats weird about that. Its just a husband saying mommy, i have con plated you with the woman whose vagina i came out of. Oh, its coming here we go here we go. Oh oh there it is. Jon oh wow. co a bouquet what are you doing . You know jon just regular people stuff. Jon okay. Jessica williams everybody. Well be right back. When Francois Thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac with spring water and the best french wheat. Everyone here said. Non, non but little by little the world got to love what he had made. Grey goose, francois . The extraordinary belongs to those who make it. This is the movie youve all been waiting for. This is your mission. Noo. This is an envelope. Thats actually. Were all gonna die . Not a movie. I dont know anything do you think im an idiot . ahhhhh but, really, just a commercial. Reminding people to eat m ms. Wait. What . This is just a commercial . . Um. Can someone shut off the missile . cheers and applause jon welt come back. I say right now we turn towards the middle east. Yemen evolved into chaos on their way to the board earn. Iran deploying warships to the gulf. A much larger proxy war between shiites and sunnis. Yemen has long been known to al qaeda. The rebels have taken over. The u. S. Also stepping up air strikes on isis. Its getting very very complicated. Jon well to be fair he is easily confused. But in this case its true. Theres so many conflicts going on in the middle east it sometimes appears we are fighting ourselves to help us understand to the operation of sandy quagmire we are joined bypassem youssef. Thanks for being here. Great to see you bassem. Yeah, yeah yeah. Jon nice to see you. Thank you thank you. Whatever jon whatever yes yes. Yeah. Jon i got to till you seem less than excited to be here. Last time it seemed like you were excited to be here. What is up . Yeah nothing. Although i see that while i was away you picked some other guy to replace you. Jon trevor noah, thats right. Hes going to replace me on the program whenni i leave. So you wanted a handsome young comedian from africa . Hello yeah yeah what jon egypt is notni african enough for you . Jon yeah, egypt is in africa. Yes yes yes. So jon, you can imagine what a beautiful cover i would have had laughter jon who is holding your chest there . nr there was someone holding my chest swrz yes, i think so. Anyway you had some questions about the middle east. Jon yeah. Yeah so as we say where i come from shoot lev laugh. Jon all right. So here is the deal here is what i understand. Were fighting isis and al qaeda. Trying to keep nukes away fromni iran but now were somehow involved in a prox war in yemen on the side of iran but not here is my question who should we worry about . Who is actually coming to kill us . ni none of them. Jon [bleep] what . Say that again. Let me explain. I will start with my country egypt. Jon you know it is in africa. Very good jon, youre learning, so remember the Muslim Brotherhood. Jon yes, yes guns beards, sunni briefly in charge of egypt. Yes, until the military threw them out with backing from the saudis. Well now the saudis and the Egyptian Army are fighting shiite rebels together in yemen. Guess who is fighting alongside them. Jon yes chuck norris. Yes close the Muslim Brotherhood in yemen. Jon the Muslim Brotherhood in yemen are allies with the guys who threwni them out of egypt. Theyre buddies now. Of course not they hate the [bleep] out of each other. They just happen to be pointing their guns at the same people right now. And guess who else is rooting for team saudi. Jon chuck norris . Close. Isis and al qaeda. Those ass holes are so happy they are getting they are popping their halal champagne. Jon ed way to figure it is the sunni shia split sunni will always have a sunni brothers back. Yes except in europe. Jon god. Where the Sunni Coalition isity tooing the shia militias against. Jon is this a psychological terrorism where they try to be could fuse us to death. Let me put this in terms you can understand. You know march madness. Jon yes. Of course this constant intrackable madness. Look how many teams have to play against each other and this is just one division. Were not even to the elite eight yet. And america is already in the finals. Jon were in the finals . Yes. Jon usa wait usa usa. Jon really, like warmongers . Talking about getting us in a war. nr really that easy . All right. So whoever makes it out of the round of 64 sunni shia monarchy democracy insurgency tribal, military thee october crassy whatever team spans advances to the final round. Gets to go headtohead with the great. Jon we know. Yes. Jon so who is your money on to win the whole thing . The same people who always win the guys who run the game. Jon ncaa. No the ncan military contractors and arms manufacturers. Jon yeah. They make money off every team in the bracket as long as there is madness and marching they win. Jon Bassem Youssef everybody, thank you for the explanation am you killed it the Technology Changes the design evolves the engineering advances. But the passion to drive a mercedesbenz is something that is common. To every generation of enthusiast. The 2015 dream machines, from mercedesbenz. Todays icons. Tomorrows legends. Visit the dream machine event today for up to 3,500 towards purchase. Theres some facts about seaworld wed like you to know. We dont collect killer whales from the wild. And havent for 35 years. With the hightest standard of animal care in the world, our whales are healthy. Theyre thriving. I wouldnt work here if they werent. And Government Research shows they live just as long as whales in the wild. Caring for these whales, we have a great responsibility to get that right. And we take it very seriously. Because we love them. And we know you love them too. A piece of cheese. A simple act can forge a connection with the barkeep. And im making a metaphor for you. Cheese, in this situation, equals money. Just tip your bartender. When you feel good no one is immune. With antioxidants, electrolytes, and b vitamins plus more vitamin c than ten oranges. Emergenc transforms more than just water. Emergenc. Let your awesome out. Color is a beautiful thing, i know, i know. Color is a beautiful thing, i know, oh yes i know. Color is the i ching ching for sure ding dang. Color is a beautiful thing, i know, i know. If you feel it, you can find it. All new color by behr. Exclusively at the home depot. My name is jamir dixon and im a locate and Mark Fieldman for pg e. Most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg e. My truck is something new. Its an 811 truck. When you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you dont hit them when youre digging. 811 is a free service. Im passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. Theyre the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then ill drive it every day of the week. Together, were building a better california. cheers and applause jon welcome back my guest tonight also known as aad rock from the legendary beastie boys seen in the movie while were young. The pace is democratic t is the goonies and citizen kane. When sgt goonies become a good of. You should hear them talk about continues its like their apartment is full of everything we once through out but it looks so good the way we have it. Without directed the goonies . Why is that that when one person picks up their phone everybody else has to. Im not on my phone. Each of us is so certain we have the most important thing to do right now. I know, its so rude. Not any morement it used to be but now its accepted. Its like showing your ankles in the 1800s. Jon lease welcome adam horovitz. cheers and applause silt. First of all con dprat lations to our new york. Jon really z you really no just just nice to be here. Jon that was, i really thought you popped a no just relaxing. Jon beautiful relax and enjoy. Im to the this is the time im going to be on the show. Jon right now . Well yeah right now. Jon this is amazing. Im just saying im on your show it doesnt happen to everybody and here i am. co jon love to seeni you. Soak it in. Can i sit there . Jon i would be delighted if you would sit there. Please. Can i get you here let me give you a mic pack. There you go. In, no i just wanted to see. Jon what do you think . What did you think about the thing when it happened . It was weird right . Jon you know what, let me ask you a question. Politics and stuff and jokes. Im back. Im back. Jon politics and stuff and jokes. Funny ones. Jon its just hard you summed me up. It took you three seconds. And now youre gone. And thats it. Jon let me ask a question. Tell me. Jon did you really see my movie . No. laughter i dont like your movies. Jon son of a bitch. Yeah sorry. Jon no i meant you. Yes, i know. Jon im being you im you youre me. I dont want to. Jon all right lets switch it around. You know what is sad . Huh . Jon physically. Yes. Jon we could pull this off. Are we related were cousins. Jon give me your face here get a little close. Look at this. applause at some point in a biblical land my great great great great great gand father and your great great great great grandfather, whatever said im going to go this way you go that way. Whatever. Jon how are you doing . Im great. Jon you know i love you. I like you, a lot. Jon really, not i mean i dont know you. I mean you know. Jon weve never met. You are funny and you tell the stuff the show. Jon do you still dow still enjoy going to the Record Stores an going in and browsing. I dont. Its more of a its too deep. Its too much. I cant do it right now. Jon too deep and too much in terms of i dont you know i have thousands of records from years and years and years and thousands of 45s. And i dont listen to them. Jon right, right right. Enough. I dont spend enough time with them so they will be up set if im going to get more friends. Im just you asked me a question and im answering 2 n as me. Jon let me ask you a questionn sincerely. Which record do you think would be the maddest . Oh meters cabbage alley definitely. Absolutely. I spent so long trying to find it. And then i had a moment like a beautiful moment laying on a floor in a record store in pittsburgh. Jon oh no. Yes. Lying on the fwloor flipping through the ones a that they dont have out. They have them on the bottom. Cabbage alley cabbage alley cabbage alley jon and you found it. And i have it vz when did you find it. 20 years ago. Jon at that time that was the holy grail . It was one of them yes. Jon are you still what a Creative Outlet for you. And now obviously you know its not do you still find a way to express yourself through that . Musically. Jon yes. Yeah, yeah yeah i play in a band with my friend Bridget Everett. Were called Bridget Everett and the tender homes. Im a tenor moment. Jon oh really . You are a tender moment. I know. Jon you realize let me tell you what this is. Where am i looking here . Jon you can look there. So you are if i may say one of my favorite performers of all time. And i never would get a chance to hang out with you. So the interview we are having a tender moment but the interview ended like ten minutes ago. So this is all me keeping you here longer than you are because i dont know that i will ever get this chance again. And so this is exciting. applause why are we doing this now and we didnt do this a couple of years ago . Jon you dont answer my calls. But i would do that shall did. I need a new phone too if you can talk to the people about the im going to get you a phone a laptop and an album that youve never heard of. Okay. What dow want . What can i get for you. Stop it, nothing. Can i tell you something youve gotten it for me. No youve gotten it for me. Just your time was enough. It was enough. It was enough you. Youre a class act. Youre a class act. Also hes in a [bleep] movie. In the theaters now adam horovitz. cheers and applause summer never looked so good. Bud light lime® same 100 natural lime flavor in a new bottle. Summer on. The switch to tmobile is on. Even verizon customers are seeing the light. Tmobile has americas fastest 4g lte network from the bay area to the big apple. And more data capacity per customer. Need one more reason . Get two lines of unlimited 4g lte data for a hundred bucks save without settling on americas fastest 4g lte network when Francois Thibault said he was going to make vodka in cognac with spring water and the best french wheat. Everyone here said. Non, non but little by little the world got to love what he had made. Grey goose, francois . The extraordinary belongs to those who make it. We dare you. Yes you. To try ham, topped with pulled pork, topped with bacon. Yep, we double dog dare ya to try the triple hog dare ya. With refill after refill of fries. Theyre free. Only at applebees. Jon hey, everybody, thats all for us. Larry wilmore at the it nightly show, larry. Hello jon. And hello to the American People, hello folks. Jon that is is that euro bama impression . You bet. But but uh with the next election coming ive got to get it in while i can do what i got to do. Jon i think its time to move on to a hillary impression . Jon if that was my o bomba impression how good do you think my hillary impression is going to be. Jon point well taken. Larry wilmore. That was it here is your moment of zen. Newt gingrich in his gradual rise in the polls has turned into a surge. He wasnt the perfect husband did things that were wrongxd asked gods forgiveness. I think a lot o larry tonightly, ben carson announces hes running for president. I havent heard anything that shaky since jamie foxx tried to sing the national anthem. laughter rand paul says hes glad his campaign didnt stop in baltimore. Ive got a good idea of where else his campaign wont be stopping. laughter and finally. Bill nye the science guy is here. Well probe the science of a grown man still trying to pull off a bow tie. laughter no justice, no peace, no the nightly show lets do this