Never going to win, thats where were at in the republican president ial race. As we see it in tonights democalypse 2016, roll back to your own house our first brave new entrant. Im getting ready to do something, too. Im running for president. Our founders never intended us to have a professional political class. Im Carly Fiorina, and im running for president. Jon and i want to turn the clinton political machine off laughter and rewind us to simpler times. Oh, bheep, bleep , heres a picture in picture. No, i hit closed captioning. Thats laughter mother bleep laughter Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy apparently from inside a mesothelioma lawsuit ad laughter what does the former c. E. O. Of Hewlett Packard who laid off 30,000 people, got fired and still got a 30 million golden parachute called her qualifications. I think im the best person for the job because i actually understand how the economy works. Jon yes, you do laughter but can she handle the couric gauntlet . Many have tried almost all have done fine really only one of them bleep ed it up. What do you read is not a trick question, its just a question. Youre polling it around 1 . So are you hoping that you may be a Vice President ial candidate . Oh katie, would you ask a male candidate . If a male candidate were polling 1 , i would ask the question. Jon how about would you call a male reporter katie . Boom check your privilege, dont make me man explain this to you. Announcing monday pediatric neurosurgeon turned republican darling ben carson, opened with a tune no one who would vote for him has heard of you better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it you better never let it go. You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow this opportunity comes once in a lifetime jon ben carsons palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, theres vomit on his sweater already, moms spaghetti hes nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs you better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go rapping nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got somethin to say but nothin comes out when they move their lips, just a bunch of jibberish and bleep act like they forgot about dre. You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go jon anyway i switched songs. I didnt know what else to do. But post gospel choir precandidate was this surprisingly long video. The critical turning point for our nation. Never before have we been so closely connected to each other but more divided as a country. If america is to survive the challenges of the modern world we need to heal. Jon its like ben carson went to stock footage. Com and said give me one of everything. Ben carson announced his candidacy for president of the United States but too boring to televised unlike the post announcement lunch with cnbcs john harwood. Obama, you referred to him as a psychopath. What did you mean by that . It reminds you of a psychopath. Jon thats the most inflammatory thing someone said while not looking up from seat ago salad. I didnt see obama was incarnate, i said he reminds you of what happens when satan bleep stalin. Two new president ial candidates in one week. A good haul not so fast Mike Huckabee saw Carly Fiorinas living room and gospel hour and raised them tony orlando, boy scouts leading the pledge of allegiance and then for some reason tony orlando again singing laughter jon my gosh, that was so much concentrated patriotism i thought he grew an american mustache yeehaw finally after all that rigmarole, time for the main event governor huckabees wife imagine yourself at a dinner and your dinner guests were george washington, John Adams Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson and you had 30 minutes to defend america, what would you say . laughter jon i would say. Can we use this incredibly powerful time machine that has brought back the Founding Fathers to get me more than 30 minutes with them . Because if im going to spend the first 20 minutes explaining why the wait staff arent slaves any more and i would say hands off, its not a candle, its filament, its polyester blend, stop licking my phone laughter eventually governor huckabee appeared to tell us why he should be the most powerful man in the world. I got my first bb gun age 5 a daisy model 25. Ive still got it. Its in mint condition. I learned the basic rules overgun safety and i never thought about using a firearm to murder someone. laughter jon that may be the lowest bar a candidate has ever established for their president ial qualifications. cheers and applause what are you getting at . Of course, if i dont get your vote who knows what ill do because ol daisys still in the closet ready to go. Whats that, daisy . You say its time for a hard rain to fall . Easy girl lets see what happens in the primary. Of course it would been a huckabee speech without thee contract demagoguery. We are now now we are now demanding we abandon traditional marriage and many politicians are surrendering to the false gods jon or the constitutional rule of law cheers and applause potato potahto you probably call them soultainting devil turds. Perhaps ben carsons poet laureate said it best. You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go jon its more like hi, my name is who . My name is what . My name is. Tickaticka slim chances. Sorry. Sorry. Regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. What do you think . When i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. I feel like im in a lexus. You would think that this was a brand new audi. Its like a luxury car. Feels kind of like an infinity. Very similar to a range rover. This is pretty high tech. Yeah it is. It reminds me of a mercedes. This is chevy . Laughing i have a new appreciation for chevy. They thought about me. I could totally rock this. This thing feels pretty boss. It looks kind of dope. Thats pretty cool. This is the jam. Pretty bomb dude. Maybe i will go chevy. Im definitely in. The switch to tmobile is on. Even verizon customers are seeing the light. Tmobile has americas fastest 4g lte network from the bay area to the big apple. And more data capacity per customer. Need one more reason . Get two lines of unlimited 4g lte data for a hundred bucks save without settling on americas fastest 4g lte network taco bells new steak doubledilla. Two helpings of juicy, marinated steak, inside of a cheesy quesadilla, with a side of chips and salsa. Unbox it, only at taco bell. [sfx bong] cheers and applause jon i just realized now from the first act, there are so many hopefuls in the republican race. We have to start narrowing the field. Some kind of method. Lets do it with a game i called lets get red of ted cruz. Ted cruz. Thats the guy. applause but heres why ted cruz cannot live up to the extremely high standards set for a candidate by laughter for instance it is scandalous that the president has more time to be fundraiser in chief than to do his basic job as commanderinchief. Jon unlike obama, ted cruz didnt come to washington to fund raise he came to giveern according to principles. My vote for Loretta Lynch will be unambiguously no. Jon sorry obama nominee for attorney general Loretta Lynch, your confirmation not happening because ted cruz is fighting for america. The Senate Confirmed Loretta Lynch as the next attorney general. The afternoons vote was 56 to 43. Ted cruz was the only senator not to vote laughter jon thats weird. How did ted cruzs unambiguously no vote turn into unambiguously no vote . The reason is because he was on his way to houston for a major fundraiser for his president ial Campaign Audience booing jon i think they see how disappointed ted cruz will be in you. You. laughter so a short disconnect on the fundraising tip. The next round to have the game, well start with strong ted cruz criticism. President obama has made decisions that i think have inflamed racial tensions, that have divided us rather than bringing us together. Jon and when was the last time Paul Mccartney and Michael Jackson did a duet . I dont remember that happening once under obama laughter i remember mccartney stuferg from that terrible disease where he could only grow a shaving cream beard. laughter heres how glaringly challengeable a statement that is a cnn reporter followed up about it. Something you said on stage bears followup, particularly the president , how has he inflamed racial tensions . Well jon and you know, ted, while you struggle to be specific ill read a Little Something just in case it takes you a while. I think he has not used his role as president to bring us together. He has laughter exacerbated racial misunderstandings, racial tensions from back at the summit to a series of efforts to pit americans against each other. Jon . Mee nay osoznyet russian come on cruz all you did was take, like a minute to say the exact same thing just a rephrasing of what you said before part of the problem is the way he advocates for any given plan is to build a straw man of the opposition and vilify and caricature it. Jon strong man and vilify agovilifying a caricature. What would that look like if someone was describing americans who didnt agree with them on Marriage Equality and the religious freedom restoration act . We look at the jihad as being waged right now in indiana and arkansas going after people of faith who respect the biblical teachings and marriage of the union of one man and one woman. Jon weapt president to bring people together, who understand that if youre pro Marriage Equality youre the same as i. S. I. S. laughter got it and what would that whole vilifying caricature thing look like if it was just generally referencing people who disagree with you. When did democrats abandon the bill of rights . The modern Democratic Party has become an extreme radical party. They consider most of the country flyover country. So extreme, so intolerant. Bickerren stockwearing tree hugging jon liberal fascism laughter remind me again how president obama has failed us as a leader . We need leadership that brings us together instead of trying to divide us. Jon thanks for playing. Lets get hello. I am a fully automated Investment Advisory service. I can help you choose investments. Monitor them. And rebalance your portfolio. I can do a lot of what humans can. Except have a real conversation. If youd like that, you can always speak to someone at schwab. They arent algorithms. Try not to hold it against them. Say hello at intelligent. Schwab. Com introducing, new cheezit crunchd so its all about firsts. Crunchd is cheezits first ever puffed up crunch made with 100 real cheese. Its the first time cheezit is in the chip aisle. And its the first time. [cheese] laughing [cheese] no go ahead. Ice bank mice elf. [cheese] laughing ice bank mice elf . [cheese] yeah you do, because youve been a bad, bad boy. We take the time for our cheese to mature in our new cheezit crunchd. This is amazing. I love this car. Real people are discovering surprising things at chevy. This is a road trip car. Were sold. Its so pretty. Theyre goodlooking cars. It feels great. Perfect. This is not what i would expect from a chevy at all. Get more than you expect, for less than you imagined at the chevy memorial day sale, going on now. Get cash back for 15 of the msrp on select 2015 models in stock the longest. Thats over fourthousand dollars on this chevy equinox. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. Around the world, around the clock. In defense of all we hold dear back home. Americas navy. Our pizza hut big flavor dipper pizza is almost twofeet of pizza. Whoa. Youre gonna need a bigger car. Get the new big flavor dipper pizza with four flavorful sauces and a free pepsi 2liter with online orders. Just 12. 99. Only at pizza hut. The irwin curved jaw pliers have 3 times the gripping power of traditional locking pliers. Grunt and the powerslot pliers go through wire with half the effort. Grunt grunt grunt irwin vise grip pliers. People tell me stories without saying one word. So i listen. Then i give it back. What are you chasing . Hennessy. Never stop. Never settle. You and me, we could be bare footin well certainly get around, ohh the ultimate doover for wood and concrete. Dont replace, resurface. Behr premium deckover. Exclusively at the home depot. cheers and applause jon welcome back my guest tonight the legendary musician, his memoir called its a long story my life. Please welcome back to the program, Willie Nelson cheers and applause how are you, my friend . Good. How are you. Jon well. First of all, happy belated birthday. Thank you very much. Jon youre very welcome my friend. How many is this, your second, third book . I dont know, a number. Jon put out 60 albums. You have been writing songs like crazy since the 50s touring relentlessly. Putting out the most prolific music, different style. How does someone who smokes that much pot laughter get this much done . I dont know. What are we drinking here . This might help. Jon exactly laughter it might help. You i guess start with, you know, people that just have this in their blood and in their bones, did you just know it . You said you wrote your first song at 7. I started writing poems around then. When i learned to play guitar, i started putting melodies back to the poems. Jon did you always think just musically it had to come out of you . I just never had a problem writing songs. Whether theyre good or not, you know, i dont know. But writing a song wasnt hard work, really. Jon right. But they came out pretty good. laughter when you were first starting and theyre paying you 50 bucks, youre selling a song for 50 bucks and you write Something Like crazy, patsy cline hears it and decides to record it, how do they work that out with you . When it blows up to the biggest jukebox hit of all time do they come back and go, heres another 50. laughter how does that work . Well, a writer, you know, normally if he writes for a publishing company, he gets x amount of dollars for every word thats sold so for every record thats sold, so patsy clines crazy did very well, so it made some money. Jon they threw that back to you a little bit . Yes. I raised them to 80. Jon you got it yeah. Jon when you go out now on the road does it still do you still feel the thrill of it . Do you still feel like man getting in front of the audience, thats the reason i do it. Is that still the pleasure of it. Yeah. I enjoy playing music. As long as people show up to hear it, i stay out there. Jon you look back at the guys you played with, you think to yourself americas me and merle, well live the longest. That surprised both of us. Jon its good hard living though. We looked around aint nobody left but me and you bubba you be careful laughter jon was the outlaw thing something that came out because of what you and merle and waylon and those guys are doing . Its so different from the general country themes of that time. You guys developed that together . Is it something that you we had a good producer, first of all. Chip was one of the best producers out there and he produced a lot of my albums, and, you know, it has a lot to do with the way the record comes out, if you have a good Record Company that knows how to sell them, you have to have all those things working at the same time. Jon so you didnt really do any of this . I didnt. I just sang. Jon hows trigger . Triggers good. Jon triggers the old guitar. How old is trigger now . Or is this not really trigger . Is this like lassie and no, this is still trigger one. Jon trigger one mmhmm. Jon well, what the how . I dont know. Ive had to do some work on, you know, the insides fell out a couple of times and i had to get somebody to go in and build it back, but it still sounds great. Jon sounds unbelievable. A friend of mine saw you three or four nights ago, its crisp and clean just from the albums and everything like that. Now, the legend is trigger was in a fire. Is that the whole or just thats true michigan thats true. My house burned. Trigger was in the house. So i went in the house and got trigger. laughter jon im sure your family and animals are like, what the bleep hes leaving with the guitar laughter its been a beautiful and fruitful relationship for the both of you and im so glad to have you on the program. I have been such a fan of yours for so long. Very mutual. Jon thank you my friend. I appreciate it. I wish you all the best. When im done with this damn thing come get on the bus. Jon well ride around on the bus and have a good old time cheers and applause jon has a book out new album cheers and applause the real question that needs to be asked is what is it that we can do that is impactful . What the cloud enables is computing to empower cancer researchers. It used to take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome; with the microsoft cloud we can analyze 100 per day. Whatever i can do to help compute a cure for cancer, thats what id like to do. There are lots of ways to save money. Heres one way. Esurance. They were born online and built to save. They major in efficiency which means when they save, you save. They have smart online tools that help you find the right coverage. So you only pay for whats right for you. Plus a personalized set of discounts you can take to the bank. Chaching thats insurance for the modern world. Esurance, backed by allstate. Click or call. You can call me shallow. But, i have a wandering eye. I mean, come on. National gives me the control to choose any car in the aisle i want. I could choose you. Or i could choose her if i like her more. And i do. Oh, the silent treatment. Real mature. So you wanna get out of here . Go national. Go like a pro. Are you so congested. It feels like that bricks on your face . Try zyrtec®d to powerfully clear your blocked nose and relieve your other allergy symptoms. So you can breathe easier all day. Zyrtec®d. Find it at the pharmacy counter. People are switching to tmobile. Even verizon customers are jumping to americas fastest 4g lte network. From the bay area to the big apple. Ready, set, switch. To the data strong network. When you get up to 40 off thousands of hotels with travelocity it means you can also afford to get up to 40 romanticer romantic sunsets. Making it the place to find a place for memorial day. Go and smell the roses. cheers and applause jon thats our show here it is our moment of zen. A lot of people were surprised your teens did not register Carly Fiorina. Org. And somebody else did and said Carly Fiorina failed to register this domain and im using it to tell you how many people she laid off at Hewlett Packard. Thats 30,000 people Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org im goin down to south park, gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation im goin down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor headin on up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine
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