Steve from 30 Rockefeller Center in the heart of new york city, its the tonight show starring jimmy fallon. Tonight, join jimmy and his guests kaley cuoco Megan Rapinoe comedian josh johnson. And the legendary roots crew and now heres your host, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy awesome. Oh, my goodness. Thank you very much. That feels good. Even though its its ten people a standing ovation is a standing ovation [ cheers and applause thats a loud ten people i love you guys. Thank you very much. Thanks for tuning in welcome to the tonight show. Lets get to the news and jokes. Well, guys, of course the big story from the weekend is that joe biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States [ cheers and applause yeah for 75 million americans, the announcement was like the greatest unboxing video of all time [ light laughter ] its biden its biden its biden its biden ill always remember where i was when i heard the news. I was sitting in front of the tv, like i had been
Tv, emptied on our door, which is not great, but whatever, not a big deal. But then im looking at it and im wondering, how did it hit at that angle . Did the bird come in sideways, like it was sliding into second base . How did this get there . And thats when i realized that the pigeon guano was coming from inside the door it was inside. I still dont know how it happened. From a physics standpoint, it doesnt make any sense. I guess logic tells me that the door must have been open and the bird somehow edged over and did that thing birds love doing to us, the revenge of the birds, but the door wasnt really open. For a moment i had to think, is it possible that this came out of me . Maybe i sneezed or something . I mean, to hit the glass at that trajectory, theres only one bird in the world that could make that shot and hes retired. He hasnt crapped on a window in years. Anyway, i dont know how this happened, but i know it was a bird. It must live in the area. My plan now is to find that
started the russia collusion story and went in and told barack obama all about it she was trying to link trump to russia to get attention off email scandal. we thought that hillary got the russians to make the story up. it turns out hillary s guy made up the pee pee tape lie. and then they just pin it on a russian. the democratic national committee had this guy, charles dolan, he goes to russia. checks into the ritz carlton and asks for a tour of the presidential suite. and then the golden shower story drops. nobody at the ritz carlton told him this. not the bellman, not the cleaning ladies, not the manager. maybe he got so drunk on vodka he forgot it actually happened to him. so the pee pee tape was hillary team s idea. what else did we find out from durham? we found out the fbi shut down two investigations into the clintons, two separate fbi field offices said wait a second, clinton foundation is a foreign money laundering scam. we should probably look into it. but andy mcc
look, willie. can you imagine? no. like, waking up every morning there. what a view mika has. again, i don t know about the satellite dish, but, you know, when she sees a ram, she goes out and moves it a little bit west, picks up, yeah. some people have the red zone package. mika gets out there game to game. if the team gets to the red zone, she turns it in that direction. you can watch the end of the game. okay. i ve never been invited up there. wonder what it looks like. i haven t either. sometimes she lets jack go up to move the satellite dish. jack, upstairs, downstairs. no. oh, ms. mika. funny with the two of you in new york city saying all this. ridiculous. are you up there? she s up there, straight up. no, this is not. do you see the cup? 15 years of this, 15. 15 years. you know what? it keeps getting easier every day, baby, doesn t it? no. wow, just wow, okay. look at that, the sun. i want some cat stevens. morning is broken, come on, l
light, like hem lock. more tastier like spring water near a train derailment. the company lost tons of money in the wake of the dylan mulvaney controversy where they gave us the first commemorative can featuring woman-face something that will no doubt be con telled in about 10 years. sails plummeting faster than hunter biden s pants in a porno theater. and we re seeing more boycotts than at kevin spacey s sleep away camp. it s okay. it s okay that i said that. just a joke. but to me this is wrong, because while i think it s good for a company to get a message from the public when they screw up, boycotts usually hurt the people making a living who weren t responsible for this mistake. of course, the left always loves a good boycott because they seek retribution for anyone having more fun than them, which is everyone. but we re different. we re fun. we re glad budweiser learned a lesson and we hope other companies will learn not to fall for a fad. but that s enough, right? well