[applause] [applause] greg: put your pants back on. Happy monday, everyone. Over the weekend donald trump held a rally in butler, pennsylvania. The site of the first assassination attempt. He spoke from behind a shield made of patent plexiglass, the same material they used to build nancy pelosi. Not to be outdone, kamala harris will join the view where the secret service will have harpoon guns in case the cast gets hungry. You are booing? get him out of here. On tuesday kamala harris will be interviewed, she is well prepared having worked for four years under a different fart man. [applause] greg: i will take it. After a seven month narcotics investigation of a large shipment of elephant tranquilizer has been seized on long island. Now how will i sleep? asks one woman. I thought that was going my way. Greg: a frontier jet caught fire during a hard landing at the las vegas airport. The company quickly responded by announcing they are bringing back the smoking section. In a rare solo
[applause] greg: yes! yes! i know. Awesome, thank you. In all honesty this success is getting kind of boring. [laughter] happy monday, everyone. This friday joker number 2 arrives in theatres and it is about a mentally ill man who terrorizes society with his mentally unstable female sidekick. But most if you have already seen it. You saw that one coming. Had the crowds like here we go. Earlier today president biden delivered remarks on the devastation caused by hurricane helene. He comforted victims by reminding them how he wants once survived the flood in an arc. Reportedly tim walz is nervous about tomorrow night s presidential debate. He has not been this nervous scents that time he ran out of tampons. Doug emhoff was told that he has a quote, reshape the perception of masculinity. In those days a guy like that might have talked to the into keeping the baby. [laughter] archaeologists in china have discovered a 36yearold mommy buried with pieces of cheese. One ticket to china, please
[applause] greg: all right! now it is just me and you. Happy thursday, everyone. By now you probably saw our great interview with donald trump. Amazing, right? [applause] after the show i felt like a hezbollah fighter, my phone was blowing up. [laughter] it is true, in lebanon thousands of pagers and phones exploded killing dozens of terrorists. We reached out to hezbollah leaders, but they have not returned our calls. President trump was a huge hit on the show last night, my favourite part was the secret service pat down. Turns out that i was happy to see them. Now we have officially asked kamala to appear on our show. We have already promised a box of wine for her, and an assortment of nannies for her husband. He will probably abort it. The show. Greg: i am talking about the show. A chinese you admitted that their pandas were actually painted dogs. They got the idea from makeup artists at the view. In your face. The rapper sean diddy combs is being held in federal custody on char
[ ] greg: you will be a mind tonight. Happy monday, everyone. Democrat support are identified as ryan routh was arrested for trying to assassinate donald trump on a golf course. Whatever happened to asking if you can play through? it seems the wouldbe assassin was able to get just a few hundred yards away from trump. Apparently the shooter found the only golf course with a slanted sand trap. Too soon. As you know this is the second time trump has survived multiple shots, according to an expert he will just need four more. Immediately pundits tried to blame it on trump s rhetoric regarding springfield, ohio. But the accused shooter was not haitian, we know this because he was not eating cats. Now you were loosening up. You needed a cats joke to get started. Of course the media claims the motives of the trump painting suspect are unknown. But this is strange, they have already asked him to moderate the next debate. Thankfully thankfully, the wouldbe assassin it is now in custody and t
[applause] [applause] greg: yes! yes. It appears there is no debate around my sex appeal. Happy wednesday, everyone. People are accusing last night s debate moderator of teaming up against trump while letting kamala slide. He was under so much attack you would thank the moderators were working from a slanted roof. It felt like an ambush with kamala and the moderators jumping on trump. I have not seen a three on one so disturbing since i was at the golden girls after party. I just watched. Out is what i like to do. Understandably, the moderators were heavily criticized for their bias, but they seemed completely unmoved by the critiques. In a biased fact check of trump mirror claimed that crime was down using discredited data from the fbi. David probably still believes that those pictures i took of him really work for a charity calendar. Jokes on you. Meanwhile, kamala harris referred to january 6 as the greatest attack on american democracy since the civil war. She said there s the day