Jimmy thank you. Oh, very nice. Thank you very much. Im jimmy, im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Please relax. Were glad youre joining us here at our home in hollywood, where i have to say, i am very excited, i am very proud, im exhilarated, even. Because from here on, we arent just following the donald trump drama in new york, we are part of it. We are part of the official record of the people versus donald trump. I will explain in a moment. But suffice it to say when ryan murphy makes the ninepart miniseries about this for fubo [ laughter ] i will be in it. I would assume someone like George Clooney or maybe Chris Hemsworth will be playing me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] guillermo, you will be in it. Guillermo all right, yeah jimmy you will be played by pedro pascal. [ cheers and applause ] guillermo all right, yeah jimmy the reason why is because the big surprise bombshell today, at least for us, was when prosecutors entered into evidence a series of Text Mes
[ cheers and applause ] jimmy hello. Thats very kind. Im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. You did it. You made it. Dreams really do come true. We have much to get to tonight, including Jerry Seinfeld who is here in our studio for the first time. [ cheers and applause ] which is very exciting. Wait till you see his teeth, theyre perfect. [ laughter ] you will be amazed and delighted. Heres some good news, i think. According to a new report from the Washington Post, americans are sleeping more than they ever have. Or at least since scientists started sneaking into our rooms and measuring how much were sleeping. [ laughter ] we are sleeping more than we have in the last 20 years. As i look around, i see that some of you are sleeping right now before my eyes. [ laughter ] i do think about that sometimes. People watching at home, falling asleep while we work on the jokes and people not just a few people. Probably hundreds of thousands of people.
Jimmy thank you, thank you. Hi, everyone. Thank you. Well, very nice. I appreciate that. Im jimmy, i am the host of the show. Thanks for watching. Thank you for joining us. Welcome to hollywood. This is it. This is hollywood. Isnt it disappointing . [ laughter ] all the action is happening in new york right now. Where the Stormy Daniels roast of Donald Trumps penis continues for another day. [ laughter ] once again, trumps lawyers asked for a mistrial. Once again, the judge said no. Trump fell asleep again, multiple times. [ laughter ] look at this. Trump has now had his eyes closed for several minutes, with his chin jutting out. [ laughter ] he fell asleep while Stormy Daniels testified about sleeping with him. [ laughter ] team trump spent much of the day trying to paint daniels as a sleazy, moneygrubbing liar, which, if that is true, i can see why they hit it off. [ laughter ] and it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today. Human
[ cheers and applause ] jimmy im jimmy, im the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us in our studio we have in hollywood, california. I appreciate it, but its too much, it really is. [ laughter ] it was a day off for the trump trial today. Which has been a lot of fun so far, i have to say. Don moneyhoney, Stormy Daniels, took the stand yesterday and caused quite a commotion. Stormy yesterday went into a bit more detail about their sexual encounter than the president and his legal team were hoping she would. Sadly, there are no cameras allowed in the courtroom, so weve had to rely on sketches and transcripts. At one point, while Stormy Daniels was recounting the story of spanking trump with a forbes magazine, judge merchan pulled one of his lawyers aside to issue a warning after trump appeared to mutter bull sword under his breath. The judge said he chose to speak to the lawyer privately so as not to embarrass trump, who is on trial for chubhumping a porn star [ laughter
[ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome, welcome. Hi, everyone. Very nice. Im jimmy, im the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us. Please, relax. It was a very stormy day for everyones favorite former president today. [ laughter ] we are coming to you from our studio in hollywood, or exhibit f as it was entered into evidence during the donald trump hush money trial this afternoon. The prosecution today called their star witness, their porn star witness, Stormy Daniels took the stand this morning. For donald trump i could only imagine the nervous farting was off the charts. [ laughter ] it was quite a day in court. We got mentioned in court again today, which is exciting. [ cheers and applause ] prosecutors asked stormy about her interview on our show. In which we examined her signature on a letter trumps henchmen cooked up, denying that she and trump ever did it. Daniels said she signed her name in a different way as a tip off to jimmy kimmel. Who is me. [ laughter ] som