laughter where are his brains . Nobody knows. Now, lets head down the esophagus and take a look at his stomach. Are we floating in stomach acid . No, its diet coke. laughter look, theres a halfeaten mcd. L. T. In here, and they stopped making those in 1990. Into the blood stream, kids. Oh, no were being attacked by his white blood cells. And theyre wearing hoods laughter quick, lets get out of here, down the large intestine. Watch out. Thats his prostate. growling laughter its so enormous and angry. Time to leave. And theres only one way out. How . Remember the word trump used to describe haiti . Thats our emergency exit. laughter oh, there are his brains aarrgggh cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight the shutdown showdown. Plus, stephen welcomes Ricky Gervais. Matt czuchry. And musical guest bon jovi. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band play
Stephen youre wearing lavender and Peach Blossom perfume. No, sir. I think thats the glade plugin youre smelling. laughter stephen ah, yes, freshness all day. Still hunting President Trump . Do you know him . Stephen i do. We were golfing buddies once. We ate our caddy, turned him into a taco bowl with a nice diet coke. Pfpfpfpfpfpf. laughter doctor, what can you tell me about the president . Stephen you already have the answers. What is his nature . What does he do, this man you seek . Hes hes an idiot who says the first thing that comes to mind. Stephen no, that is incidental. Quid pro quo, clarice. Tell me your worst memory of the election. One night, on a tuesday donald trump won the presidency, and then i heard a strange noise. It sounded like a scream, like some kind of screaming. Stephen what did you do . I crept into the living room. The tv was on. I was so scared. So scared. Msnbc, the anchors, they were crying. They were crying. Stephen thank you, clarice. Now its your turn,
After the super bowl. The day after the super bowl should be a national holiday. They should swap president s day out for super bowl monday. The fact we have to work the morning after, being required as americans to watch a game drunk no less is really its downright unpatriotic. And im calling on President Trump to do something about it right now. [ cheers and applause ] thats one he would do, right . It was a sad night for new England Patriots fans. And an even sadder night for fans of this is us last night. Eagles won their first super bowl ever, toppling tom brady and the dynasty known as the new England Patriots 4133. Tom brady, they said he was so distraught after the game he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half of a grape. [ applause ] the most valuable player was the quarterback for the eagles, nick foles. And the fans, after more than 50 years of failure, eagles fans flooded the streets of philadelphia to celebrate their teams historic victory the oldfashioned way. [ che
My wife and i went to dinner last night, we put the kids to bed and tiptoed out. They never knew the sitter was there, it was beautiful. We went out late, had a very good meal at an italian restaurant, we sat outside, a very pleasant night. A prie fixe meal, it was good. Somewhere between it was somewhere between the main course and dessert, behind my wife, a rat ran down the wall. [ laughter ] and into a planter. Then back up and back over the wall and disappeared. And man oh man, if you were looking for a way to get a well in the mood saying i just saw a rat behind you is not it. [ laughter ] the waitress comes back, she can see something was up because im sitting on top of my chair now. And i say kind of quietly, bought i dont want to alarm everyone in the restaurant, i just saw a rat run up and down the wall. She said, oh, yeah, im supposed to tell you that was a squirrel. [ laughter ] [ applause ] then we got the check. It was a romantic night. Guillermo, how did things go for you
Breeched the studio. Meteorologist susan. Whats the forecast look like . Were going to be cannibalized. A man is eating horse poop the end is near, from all of us at wnqx news, tonight. Stay tuned for young sheldon. Eagles announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, clair claire danes, Bernadette Peters, lil uzi vurt and jon batiste with stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, thanks thank you so much, everybody ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause remember when donald trump told us we would be tired of winning . Well, evidently the stock market is exhausted laughter because after losing 666 points on friday, monday said, hold my beer, and posted the greatest single sameday drop in the stock market history 1,600 points. In the end, the dow closed almost 1,200 points down, erasing its gains for the year.