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COM The Colbert Report August 5, 2014

You have joined us on an historic night. This week marks the 40th anniversary of the resignation of Richard Milhous jowlsworth nixon. laughter we were going to have a balloon drop in his honor, but, instead, we just decided to secretly drop them over cambodia. laughter this is a solemn day for me because nixon is my alltime favorite nonreagan president , noncheney Vice President , and nonoats quaker. laughter to this day, nixons 1972 Campaign Poster hangs in my office. It reminds me of a simpler time in america, when my parents seemed very tall and youd get a gold star just for using the toilet. laughter folks, before we delve into the socalled scandal that cost us this great leader, lets get to know the man. Richard nixon was born in 1913 in yorba linda, california. Even at an early age, he refused to wear makeup, whi ....

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COM The Colbert Report August 5, 2014

Welcome to th the report, everybody whether you know it or not, i have big news for you now. You have joined us on an historic night. This week marks the 40th anniversary of the resignation of Richard Milhous jowlsworth nixon. laughter we were going to have a balloon drop in his honor, but, instead, we just decided to secretly drop them over cambodia. laughter this is a solemn day for me because nixon is my alltime favorite nonreagan president , noncheney Vice President , and nonoats quaker. laughter to this day, nixons 1972 Campaign Poster hangs in my office. It reminds me of a simpler time in america, when my parents seemed very tall and youd get a gold star just for using the toilet. laughter folks, before we delve into the socalled scandal that cost us this great leader, lets get to know the man. Richard nixon was ....

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COM The Colbert Report July 17, 2014

And im beginning to think he agrees because hes started doing something worse than destroying america. Hes slacking off at destroying america. This week president obama refusing to go to the u. S. Mexican border. Guess where the president is planning to go . On vacation. News today that obama will head back to ritzy Marthas Vineyard next month. President obama spent three days avoiding a visit to the border while playing pool, sipping beers and raising lots of money. Make up, america. We elected a president whod rather play pool and drink beer in colorado than address the american crisis developing at our border. Stephen yes, while america burns, president nero is fiddling on vacation in Marthas Vineyard, shooting pool in colorado, and down at disney world, hes just hanging around giving the same speech all day long. Must be nice. And you wont believe what he did on his l ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart August 2, 2014

But we do know that the break came after this israel has made a request for resupply of several types of ammunition. As one defense official said to me, they have been using up an awful lot. Jon thats, of course, the correspondent from the understatement times picayune. So maybe thats what happens. Theyre just running out of [bleeped] to blow up. Maybe what happened here is the diplomats tackled israel while they were reloading. Its the opportunity for peace that weve been looking for. That and the administration as we heard earlier has been working tirelessly toward. Now is our chance. The United States has agreed to resupply israels military with multiple types of ammunition. 120 millimeter mortars and grenades, four grenade launchers. Jon we have this. Why are we giving them more . Lets end the fighting, but first, have some more fighting stuff. No guys, we cannot be israels rehab sponsor and its drug dealer. Its not going to wo ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart July 17, 2014

If not, this is an abject failure. If it doesnt happen my career as a journalist may be over. Lets get to our top story tonight, americas Immigration Crisis kid edition. Since october, 52,000 unaccompanied children have been picked up trying to cross into the u. S. Whats driving these people north is crippling poverty and outofcontrol violence in places like honduras, guatemala and el salvador. Jon there are kids in trouble. I was always taught by my parents to follow the golden rule. Whenever you see kid in trouble, yell another them in a language they dont understand. Go home not our problem. If obama likes them so much, let them stay at the white house. [laughter] jon thats an interesting suggestion. Although a grown man inviting thousands of kids to his house gives off a bit of a neverland ranch vibe. [laughter] all right. So look, its not like these countries developed problems overnight. Why the sudden kidsplosion . Repu ....

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