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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

Thank you so much for tuning in thank you for coming out. You, yeah welcome to it yeah, lets do it im trevor noah. Our guest tonight is an snl legend and host of a brandnew show coming to Comedy Central, called lights out, david spade is joining us, everybody cheers and applause also on tonights show, Great Britain gets its very own trump. The biggest scandal from the world of chess, and why recycling is a lie. Lets catch up on todays headlines. First up a, if youve ever thought, i like donald trump and his policies and his hair, but i really just wish he could read, well then Great Britain has the leader for you. Breaking news out of london this morning, a new Prime Minister for britain, Boris Johnson will take o ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

But then elvis is a licensed and registered federal narcotics agent. So elvis had police lights, would pull people over. You have any idea how fast you were going . Another time, he saw this crazy lunatic guy. The guy was allowed inside. And everyones like, why is this crazy person being allowed inside . This is hes like, no, no hes all right, man. Hes okay. Hes part of this team. Were gonna work with him, man. Hes funny. And then elvis liked him, loved him, and then got tired of him. So he said he had to go home. Elvis was gonna pay for his flight home. Come back, some jewelrys missing. So they figured out this guy had stolen some jewelry. Elvis freaks out. Hes gonna regret the day he stole that jewelry, man. Hehe messed with the wrong guy. The guy was about to take off, and then he sees elvis running next to it in a jumpsuit, holding a real federal narcotics badge. So the plane stops, they pull the guy out. Elvis pulled the plane over to pull this guy off and interrogate him. Of whic ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

We know all about it. It. The list was compromised. Coi Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class. A [gunshot] gunsh wendy agh a wait i didnt do anything wrong you can explain all that downtown. Lain here, kyle. Weve been through a lot,yl but you can finally see where you really are on the list. You sure youre okay with this, kyle . Suro abe lincoln was right. Ab i dont want to find out im goodlooking and become a total [bleep] bag when i grow up. I don abe lincoln . Abe l stan, its been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like youve changed somehow. Ans in a really awesome way. Wes yeah, well. In a really awesome way. Wes i guess a lot of things change, dont they . [stirring music] bleaaaah captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody thank you s ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

Democratic debates ended just moments ago. And we are coming to you live from new york, ladies and gentlemen slasm cheers and applause thats right, we are completely live. I can prove it, this is how i can prove it, you see, it is a newspaper. Anyway, here we are. Night two of the democratic debate. And there has been so much excitement around these debates. Basically everybody has been watching them, and i mean everybody. Hey, twitter world trk is me, yours truly. We need to watch this debate. Because a bunch of people think they are kanl of running our country, it should be interesting, because to be honestk i dont know most of these guys but im trod hear what they have to say and i think every american should be watching them. So i guess we got about 38 minutes to go, so wont be long now. Take care. Trevor oh man. Dude, o. J. Kills me. Allegedly, allegedly. I love how he just tries to act like he is a completely normal guy, he is one of the greatest running backs of all time, what a ....

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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show 20240714

[roaring] [yelling] yeah rah rahh rah vengeance is mine no, please please show mercy rah [screaming] [gauge beeping] [cheers and applause] thank you, my children. Weve all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses that didnt mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid and made it about me and the things that i did which, of course, i didnt do. And even if i did use performance enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But i didnt. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft . Maybe that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left, and causes shouldnt be worn on our wrists with a sneer. Lets keep our causes where they belong, which is right here. On tshirts free pussy riot [cheers and applause] free pussy riot boys yeah captioning sponsored by Comedy Central live from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, the ....

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