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It’s a pretty slow week news-wise, so naturally you’re all dying to know what happens next on
The Bachelor. I don’t blame you. I can’t think of anything else occupying my mind these days. On with the show!
We pick up where we left off, with Sarah on the ground after hyperventilating during the Rose Ceremony. Matt takes her for a walk while the other women badmouth her for nearly fainting. Queen Victoria’s advice is, “Keep it together and don’t faint.” Words we can all live by.
Matt finishes the Rose Ceremony by handing out the remaining roses to Fellow North Carolinian Khaylah, Mari, Hairstylist MJ, Anna, Lingerie Girl Kaili and … Queen Victoria. That means Victoria’s nemesis Marylynn is going home, along with Nashville Sydney and some other girls I’ve never seen before. There is no chance Matt is interested in Victoria, but she’ll make the show a bit more interesting as long as she remains. Now that Marylynn is gone, she fixa
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While we all wait on pins and needles to see if the United States of America will be renewed for another season, there’s something far more perilous at stake than democracy love. Will insanely ripped Instagram model Matt find it in the woods of Pennsylvania? Or will he be doomed to spend his existence being extremely hot and famous online and dating extremely hot women in the real world? Who can tell? The uncertainty is killing me!
In case you had any question about whether or not this show was just an extension of Matt’s Instagram account, we start with a closeup of the Peloton logo while Matt “works out.” #ad It gets a little soft-core after that with a slow motion shower scene. I feel like I’m watching the Duke of Hastings lightly caress his chest while Lady Bridgerton’s bosom is heaving.