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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart March 4, 2013

Its a vibrator. Its a vibrator. [laughter] a lot of comedians at the end of their shows will sell cds and tshirts. Im selling a jeep. I learned a very valuable lesson the other day. Dont ever put a for sale sign with your phone number on a jeep and drive around. Because i get a phone call, are you selling a white jeep . Im like, yeah. You drive like an ass[bleep]. [laughter, cheers applause] yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Weve learned a lot tonight. Mostly that youre not my fans. Oh, like two people. Ah, we are. No, you guys have been a lot of fun. We learned a lot, didnt we . What did we learn . [applause] what did we learn . Some guy claps. We learned that violin players will stand up for others. [laughter and applause] tell you what i learned. I was in texas last week. Oh my god. They wear the tightest pants in the world in texas. Even the men have the camel toe, moose knuckle, whatever you want to call it. [ohs and applause] exactly. That is the way you should respond to that. They still wear b ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart February 26, 2013

Well, that was our first show and we nailed it. Thanks to amy schumer and aziz ansari. See me live at the mirage and tweet me and on the blog cc. Com jeselnik. See you next week but before we go lets look back at the best moments from tonights show. Women be shopping. Women be shopping. Women be shopping. Oh, boy. Ah, memories. Good night kids. Go read a book. [cheers and applause] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest is Donnie Wahlberg going to be joining us later on the program on the. Lonnie anderson. Thats the woman i would be. applause if you can be any animal, if you can be any woman but nobody ever asked me are you satisfied with you . laughing a little bit of housekeeping. Last week we did a very clever bit on our program called 19th century news. Within the bit we had ver ....

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WRC News4 Today February 25, 2013

Though, into the mid40s. Sunrise at 6 46. Sunset at 5 57ment hometown forecast, vienna, Fairfax County, in the low 40s with bright sun by noontime. A look at traffic now with danella. Good morning. Checking the situation on metro. If youre taking the red line, expect delays because of an earlier track problem at friendship heights. Still delays in both directions. The roadways, i66 had morning and take a live look at 66 at route 50 where well find chopper 4 live on the scene. Traveling 66 this time eastbound, picking up a little bit of volume here. But no major delays just yet. Westbound, though, just off to the right shoulder lanes, can see police activity. Very light volume, no issues at all as far as delays. Fairfax county parkway to the capitol beltway. Inside beltway on 66 as well, very light volume. Still, picking up steam as you head eastbound to gw parkway. No major delays just yet. Back in ten minutes. Eun, over to you. 6 ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart February 26, 2013

For what he thinks is a ziploc baggie of crack, although what i done i cut up a bar of ivory soap, cause nothing feels better than cheating my only friend out of fellatio, right . Yeah, so, ah, i have fun. So anyway. Im as hard as a towel rack, and some recently showered, welldressed ass[bleep] and his small, wellbehaved dog come down the goddamn grime tunnel. The dog starts taking a dump not ten feet from where i am. I go half soft. I dribble my chemically poisoned [bleep] all over the keds i stole off that blind black kid. I gotta get the [bleep] outta this city. It robs you of your goddamn humanity thank you, seattle [cheers and applause] thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Oh, man. Thank you. Good night [cheers and applause] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest is Donni ....

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COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart February 26, 2013

Dude, did cartman just crap treasure . Its mine. Dude, did cartman just crap treasure . Its mine, you hear me . I got it out of the cave. Its mine, you hear me . It belongs to me. . Keep your greedy hands away. Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our smugglers den photo room. That lo thats right, and ismuggle fake treasure . That yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, id say that thereasure is worth about 14. No, no. Ahghgh. you made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure . You son of a bitch. Ecause y dont you think im hurting enough, kyle . Te aahghghgh. Nough k well, my work here is done. Ive killed m. B. P. , and now i must save the world from something else. Killem maybe ill make a movie. A movie starring me. L mak then people will take me super cereal. A mie excelsior. Captioning by captionmax www. Captionmax. Com from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause j ....

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