Character. He was always very affectionate tour, and he didnt like. It everyone was suspect. Then a break. Tips from other woman who had been targeted, too. He wanted to get me in there and i didnt budge and all the bells were going off. I took off. I felt i had dodged a bullet. The who is frightening, but the white was much worse. In my wildest dreams i never thought result like this could even exist. He certainly had a motive. Yes you did. It was the afternoon of november 15th, austin, texas. Four pm, there is something ominous in the air. The smell of it, the familiar feel of it against the skin, a storm coming. Something big. They did tell us on the news if you dont have to go out tonight dont. In the sky overhead turned dark by midnight in the afternoon. When it gets like that, it is pitch blackout. You have the fear of tornadoes. Sure enough said the announcers on tv, twisters had been spotted headed to parts of the city, including the northwest. Diane lived in the northwest. I s
Yeah rah rahh rah vengeance is mine no, please please show mercy rah [screaming] [gauge beeping] [cheers and applause] thank you, my children. Weve all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses that didnt mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid and made it about me and the things that i did which, of course, i didnt do. And even if i did use performance enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But i didnt. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft . Maybe that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left, and causes shouldnt be worn on our wrists with a sneer. Lets keep our causes where they belong, which is right here. On tshirts free pussy riot [cheers and applause] free pussy riot boys yeah from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest is Donnie Wahlberg going to be joining us later o
And id never heard of this, but they make the guy when theyre having movie sex they make the guy wear a thing called a [bleep] sock. Its totally true. Its a [bleep] sock, and, basically, they put a stocking on your wiener, and then they pull it through your legs, which thats appealing. Thats like how serial killers [bleep] [ breathing heavily ] snap. You got to break their neck at the end. [ laughs ] oh, come on. You got to. [ laughs ] but i had never heard of the [bleep] sock because ive never done a sex scene in a movie. Done a bunch of movies. No sex scenes. And i know my place. I know im not gonna get to do a sex scene in a movie. I think if i did, it would be a horror movie, and i wont be the one having the sex. Like, some hot, young couple getting it on, hotyoungcouple style. And im, like, the creepy janitor watching them. Or the inbred, redneck hotel owner just climbed in through the window. And theyre getting it on, hotteen style over in the corner, and im over there going, [ch
[ applause ] [ cheers ] [ ] thanks again to Billy Eichner and kristin shaw. And check out the new tour sedates for my new spring tour at jeselnik. Com. Your presale code is the word dark. Well see ya next week. Before i go, lets take a look back at the best moments from tonights show. Hey, darlene, whos the black sheep in your family . Intl my sisters kid jamal. Who has those . Who choose their flimsy relays . Which ways to anne hathaway, clearly, those people were making jokes. Lets go. Who did you rather sleep with, Julia Roberts or julia styles . Dont answer that. Ah, memories. Good night, kids, go read a book. [ from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. cheers and applause jon hey, welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Our guest is Donnie Wahlberg going to be joining us later on the program on the. Lonnie anderson. Thats the woman i would be. applause if you can be any animal, if you can be any woman but nobody e
Its a vibrator. Its a vibrator. [laughter] a lot of comedians at the end of their shows will sell cds and tshirts. Im selling a jeep. I learned a very valuable lesson the other day. Dont ever put a for sale sign with your phone number on a jeep and drive around. Because i get a phone call, are you selling a white jeep . Im like, yeah. You drive like an ass[bleep]. [laughter, cheers applause] yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Weve learned a lot tonight. Mostly that youre not my fans. Oh, like two people. Ah, we are. No, you guys have been a lot of fun. We learned a lot, didnt we . What did we learn . [applause] what did we learn . Some guy claps. We learned that violin players will stand up for others. [laughter and applause] tell you what i learned. I was in texas last week. Oh my god. They wear the tightest pants in the world in texas. Even the men have the camel toe, moose knuckle, whatever you want to call it. [ohs and applause] exactly. That is the way you should respond to that. They still wear b