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Jimmy seriously, you know legendary roots crew we are in crazy times when the secret Service Needs protection from the president it is the tonight show at if you are worried about trumps safety, dont. Home edition hes fine. And now here is jimmy. While the agents are quarantined, trump will be guarded by eric and don jr. Using a pair of spongebob walkietalkies jimmy hi everybody and welcome to the tonight show. Thank you so much for watching it is thursday which basically means its friday, really. Right . Can you hear me . So, we made it through another week yeah. I am right next to you. Okay. Im so happy to anyone that is home and staying safe and wearing the masks and to anyone who is suffering with this awful pandemic well, a lot of people are blaming the Trump Administration for mishandling the virus. But not everything has gone wrong, right i wish you a speedy, spee ....
Youre very happy to be here youre very happy to be here [ light laughter ] welcome back to my terrible, awful, no good, very unfair week in office [ light laughter ] i got to tell you, folks, donnys not a happy president right now, no. [ laughter ] impeachment is heating up. The stock markets going down. And worst of all, nickelbacks mad at me. [ laughter ] not only that, the media has been very mean to me, very mean and very nasty [ laughter ] very mean, and very, very nasty. [ laughter ] they keep saying im unhinged. Which is completely untrue, because everyone knows that ive never been hinged [ laughter ] im like one of those folding accordion doors, folks you know the ones you find at a cheap massage parlor with the little magnets on the side [ light laughter ] just like that cheap massage parlor, you dont know whats going on inside, but you know its not good. [ laughter ] but anyway, ive learned my lesson this week dont ask ukraine for dirt on joe biden. [ light laughter ] thats w ....
[ light laughter ] welcome back to my terrible, awful, no good, very unfair week in office [ light laughter ] i got to tell you, folks, donnys not a happy president right now, no. [ laughter ] impeachment is heating up, the stock markets going down and worst of all, nickelbacks mad at me. [ laughter ] not only that, the media has been very mean to me, very mean and very nasty [ laughter ] very mean, and very, very nasty. [ laughter ] they keep saying im unhinged. Which is completely untrue, because everyone knows that ive never been hinged [ laughter ] im like one of those folding accordion doors, folks you know the ones you find at a cheap massage parlor with the little magnets on the side [ light laughter ] just like that cheap massage parlor, you dont know whats going on inside, but you know its not good. [ laughter ] but anyway, ive learned my lesson this week dont ask ukraine for dirt on joe biden. [ light laughter ] thats why today i asked china for dirt on joe biden. [ laughter ....
[ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause hey thank you very mh. Please have a seat, welcome thank you. Enjoy yourself enjoy yourself welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show, baby steve yeah jimmy this is it [ cheers and applause come on. You guys, nick kroll is my guest tonight. We have [ cheers and applause Dennis Miller is here tonight. [ cheers and applause and professional gamer ninja is stopping by, yeah. [ cheers and applause thats such a cool job, professional gamer yeah when i went by his dressing room i saw playi a game on his phone, he was like, not now, dude. Im working. Okay [ laughter ] , guys, leaders from all over the world are descending on new york city for the u. N. General assembly its that special time of year when you can spot the king of belgium taking a selfie with spongebob in times square. [ light laughter ] thats right leaders from 19 ....
And now, heres your host, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy oh, thank you thank you, thank you, thank you welcome please, have a seat. Have a seat. Welcome. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much. And welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it, baby [ cheers and applause youre here. This is it you made it. You guys, what an exciting time to be in new york. You see, last night, the brothersister team, the flying wallendas, walked across a a tightrope 25 stories above times square did you see that and they did it. Even more impressive, they were stuck behind a slowwalking group of tourists. Steve really [ laughter ] jimmy is that the m m store, honey [ laughter ] things got really tense. At one point, they almost fell when their buzzer from bubba gump shrimp started vibrating. [ light laughter ] theyre like, our tables ready. Get off this wire lets get to some news here. Everybodys still on edge about the u. S. And iran. I guess after iran shot down ou ....