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greg: thank you! all right! yeah! let s start! wow. that was amazing. [laughter] i wish i smoked. it s friday, so you know what that means. let s welcome tonight s guests. you may recognize him from his feature in average white guy magazine, cohost of fox & friends first, todd piro. [applause] as former miss citrus, she comes freshly squeezed. host of the morgan ortagus show on sirius xm, morgan ortagus! [applause] it s been 12 years since she tested positive for food. new york times best-selling author and fox news contributor, kat timpf! [applause] and the great barrier reef is his loofah. new york times best-selling author, comedian, world champion, tyrus! [applause] before we get to some news stories, let s do this. announcer: greg s leftovers! greg: it s leftovers, where i read the jokes we didn t use this week. as always, it s my first time reading them, so if they suck, we will put joe mackey in a meat grinder and turn them into hot dogs. ....
what it is! it s tyrus, and welcome to the blackstone edition of gut gutfeld! ! [laughter] i don t have a reason for that other than i really like my fort. and since i said it is the black zone, i can start the show 5 minutes late. that s a black joke, you are not allowed to laugh. now we are nice and uncomfortable. let s go. christmas has come and gone faster than a biological male beating a woman in a track meet. and i m sure everyone got lots of presents. except this guy. [laughter] you know he invented the naughty list. wherever he is, i m sure santa s bells did not wake him up. now, i m sure we all got something we d like to return to the store. remember, even though it s a big screw you to whomever gave you the present, apparently it s not all about the thought that counts. and of course you shouldn t feel bad for wanting to exchange it for something better. which brings me to my monologue. tonight, i want to remember all the crap we as americans receive ....
[cheers and applause] thank you, thank you for receiving us with open arms. even if they are covered with black sabbath tattoos and number 77 sunscreen. let s cover some news before we go to the monologue. an american who was trapped in ukraine for eight months says he evaded russian troops by prevpretending to be irish. in other words, he was drunk. comedian gallagher sadly has passed away at age 76. his family scheduled a private ceremony. followed by smashing him with a giant hammer. [laughs] laura: we had to show the picture of the watermelon. amazon s jeff bezos and ncb giving his fortune to charity, earning praise for hunter biden who gave most of his fortune to charity a month and the other girl dancing wednesday night shift. [dracula sanctuary city of philadelphia.- [cheers and applause] sparking outrage from migrants who packed for martha s vineyard. this isn t what i signed up for, said one refugee named beto o rourke. the department of energy is project ....
yeah, i know, i know, right? huh? i would clap, too, if i were you. it has been one month since hamas butchered 1400 jews and captured more, who thought the ire would turn to the victims? in the country that stopped hitler, this is the country that stopped hitler, right? have we crossed a line into unknown territory where you can t return? is it temporary or permanent? let s recap where we are in november. a muslim woman in indianapolis drove her car into the local headquarters of the black israel hebrewlites. what is ironic is if she had her way the people she is defending would not allow her to drive. at least they have one good idea. a sexist would say. jewish students were chased into a library by rioters that pounded on doors and chanted for the murder of jews. probably the first time those ignorant assholes found a library. you can train a dog to lay on the ground and play dead and it doesn t cost $50,000. but if takes balls to stage the end of hamas with a ....
Up in first class. [laughter] in a related story, and aviation firm claims it has developed a jet fuel made entirely from human poop. which means i have finally sold some sucker all my boxes of poop. [laughter] the city council in st. paul, minnesota, will now be made up entirely of women. first order of business, new drapes. [laughter] tyrus: no one is safe. greg: no one is safe. a company in the u.k. has created bananas that never turn brown. great, now bananas are racist. [laughter] this week, a rocket was launched into space with the intention of releasing the remains of 330 ....