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Jon why do you think that sex between homosexuals is any less safe than sex between heterosexuals . Is it okay for, you know, eight of your friends that youre in love with to captioning sponsored by Comedy Central captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause stephen welcome to the colbert report audience chanting stephen thank you, thank you so much cheers and applause thank you, ladies and gentlemen thank you cheers and applause thank you. Im glad to hear that your spirits are up because i come to you tonight with terrifying news the internet is under attack shut off your smartphones, close your laptops and remain focused on your tv. laughter unless youre watching me online right now, in which case, to keep you safe, im going to close all your o ....
Quick off the top, an apology. Last night, i went on a bit of a tear against phillies manager Ryne Sandberg and his home city of philadelphia. And i may have overstepped. Sometimes you hurt those you dont intend to. In this case, the philly phanatic. Obviously theres no need to rehash who called who a bleep up jim henson reject looking piece of bleep . Or words exactly to that effect. The point is, it was said. Most likely by the one of us who doesnt have a blow tickler in place of a functioning larynx. However, after our taping, it was brought to my attention that the mascot of my preferred baseball club, one mr. Met, is himself neither fully animal nor human but is in fact an at least equally hideous halfman halfball mutant with a baseball instead of a head. Why someone would take a job where he is surrounded all day by bats, seems like a recipe for trouble. The point is, im sorry i offended mr. Phanatic. I know how difficult you ....
Stephen, stephen, stephen stephen, stephen, stephen good to you have with us on this fine spring night. Nation, thank you so much. You know, folks its not just mindless adoreation, folks. I need it and i want to thank you for singling me out for your applause. It makes me feel special as an individual. Because frankly im sick and tired of hearing about equality. Equality right force gay, equal pay for women. Equal space for equal. And now bama equalicrat over ot National Institutes of health are directing scientists to perform their experiments on both female and male animals. Coed lab rats . Bad idea. You know late at night they will hookup at work and then it will be awkward around the water bottle the next day. You see traditionally when scientists test a drug on mice or rats they are usually male. Natural enough, the female rats are all being used to keep but looking good, all right. But of course theres another reason th ....
That it didnt seem like veterans had long waits before seeing doctors. laughter but you know t was a good system give or take a couple of scores of veterans we may have killed. I got so mad that i screamed into this jar t is a swear jar that i would scream into. Its pretty full now, unfortunately. Let me just [bleep] laughter [bleep]. Jon i think that might have been a three syllable one, i dont know. Well, good news, according to va secretary eric shinsekis congressional testimony last week, the va days are over. People quote, unquote, cook the books . Is that in fact a problem within the Healthcare System . I am not aware and other than a number of isolated cases where there is evidence of that. Jon isolated cases quarantined. So that makes me feel much better, unless, and i think this is highly unlikely, a news report would air, i dont know, the exact same day that shinseki was testifying before congress, unless a news repor ....
Or you may not remember, you may have been watching basketball. We addressed a minor incident in our otherwise spotless department of veterans affairs. Something about the phoenix va workers falsifying patient waiting lists so that it didnt seem like veterans had long waits before seeing doctors. laughter but you know t was a good system give or take a couple of scores of veterans we may have killed. I got so mad that i screamed into this jar t is a swear jar that i would scream into. Its pretty full now, unfortunately. Let me just [bleep] laughter [bleep]. Jon i think that might have been a three syllable one, i dont know. Well, good news, according to va secretary eric shinsekis congressional testimony last week, the va days are over. People quote, unquote, cook the books . Is that in fact a problem within the Healthcare System . I am not aware and other than a number of isolated cases where there is evidence of that. Jon iso ....