( ba )! pla ( dr ) ? you can meet me round the corner ? ? in a half an hour ? n half aur fothe pastwo wee. oudoealle moie. do npbbt, banana. are you readfo yet? oh, doll mn t te florida s gonna be the french maid. oui, oui, pense. r, i wish you were rehere in . i m up to mud in my underpants. t, hold it! now, ln, mau. oh, no, you misunderstand me, arthur. i love it. oh. i really truly love it. bu tell ya, i ink (it i reweuld ha some kind of produion number you ? know, like something going on behutoivitilitary feel now, listen, maudie, if i can t do siegfried line, o nd oi want. ( ba-dum ) that does it! hold thear. arthur, what are you doing? i am going to the principal of this school, and i m just gonna ask him how he feels abt ha rdcore pornograp. ar. oh, carol, what are we going to do now? oh, mother,don t worry about it, we ll do the sketch. why don t you run over your number? i d raruover ar. sing. oh, i n t fe like it. ( jazz music plays ) u sing to me. oh, all righ
oh, maude! don t be depressed. you look beautiful! i do, don t i? now, i suppose, actually, i should be thrilled. i mean, here i am, 46, i don t look a day over 41. sweetheart, you re 48. then i don t look a day over 43. ( china smashing ) what is that? that! that must be carol and chris fooling around. yes, walter! that s me and chris foolin around! see? well, i wish they d fool around with each other and keep their hands off my crystal. oh, honey. listen. since it is my birthday, walter, will you promise me something? of course, sweetheart. what? honey, tonight, for a change, will you talk to me? will you stay with me? oh, mau now, walter. every time we go to a party, the men end up on one side of the room and the women on the other. honey, tonight, talk to me. stay with me, walter. okay, maude. i won t move from your side all night. anything your little heart desires. walter, dear, i d like to point out to you that is not my heart. ( whispers ) hide. hide everyone. (
because you always put things where i can t find them! always, maude! you always put things where i can t find them! you re right, walter. and i m sorry, sweetheart. actually, if you want your suspenders, you ll find them hanging off the roof. i find them very handy for washing the basement and second story windows at the same time. - maude. - i m sorry, honey. i ll help you find them. you know, we re gonna be late. - i m gonna miss all the guest celebrities! - come on body who s anybody is gonna be there tonight. durward kirby, pupi campo, carmelita pope, arlene francis, the entire panel from what s my line? oh, you don t care if i miss all the fun. pupi campo? tsk. well, go on! i can t! get moving, francie. - what are you waiting on? - ( sobs ) hinkley, would you cool it? it ain t gonna be easy to outtalk maude findlay. she s the world s champ. she s got a bigger mouth than muhammad ali. okay, but just make sure you lay it on real good about your father beating ya up. why
( sucks ) ( sucks ) walter, are you gonna smoke that pipe or play it? ( sucking ) it s clogged. ( sucking ) where. ( sucking ) ( sucking ) where are my. ( sucking ) where are my. out with it, walter! where are your ( sucking ) what? my pipe cleaners. how should i know where your pipe cleaners are. maude, i need something long and fuzzy to clean my pipe. maybe you ll like me to starch your caterpillar. all right, maude, i won t smoke my pipe. ( loud clinking ) walter, will you stop?! you re driving me up the wall! it s only been a week since i took up pipe smoking. you ll get used to it. never, walter. never. carpet. furthermore, your mustache is beginning to turn yellow. it s like kissing a molting canary. for crying out loud! a man can t even enjoy a pipe! i mean, what s wrong with that? i ve given up cigarettes and i ve quit drinking. what other pleasures are there? which reminds me, walter, you seem to have given that up, too. i ll tell you what i m talking about, walter f
ency said that this woman is a gem, a treasure. carol, i can hardly wait for her to get here. mm-hmm. is she black? no. the agency was fresh out. no, but this woman is not only a fantastic housekeeper, she s supposed to be a fab ( doorbell rings ) that s mrs. naugatuck! mrs. who? close your mouth, walter, and try to look intelligent. coming! findlay residence? yes. this is from mrs. naugatuck. carol, honey, would you do me a favor and take that up to the guest room? guest room? sign here. maude, we re not getting sleep-in help, are we? sweetie, don t worry. you won t even know she s in the house. sign right there. maude, why didn t you ask me before you hired sleep-in help? walter, i tried to bring up the subject the other night after dinner, and you said, that s your department, maude. do whatever you want, maude. and then you burped and fell asleep. you know i can t stand a stranger sleeping in the house, maude. if you don t sign soon, you ll have two strangers sleeping