Ency said that this woman is a gem, a treasure. Carol, i can hardly wait for her to get here. Mmhmm. Is she black . No. The agency was fresh out. No, but this woman is not only a fantastic housekeeper, shes supposed to be a fab doorbell rings thats mrs. Naugatuck mrs. Who . Close your mouth, walter, and try to look intelligent. Coming findlay residence . Yes. This is from mrs. Naugatuck. Carol, honey, would you do me a favor and take that up to the guest room . Guest room . Sign here. Maude, were not getting sleepin help, are we . Sweetie, dont worry. You wont even know shes in the house. Sign right there. Maude, why didnt you ask me before you hired sleepin help . Walter, i tried to bring up the subject the other night after dinner, and you said, thats your department, maude. Do whatever you want, maude. And then you burped and fell asleep. You know i cant stand a stranger sleeping in the house, maude. If you dont sign soon, youll have two strangers sleeping in the house, maude. You look familiar. Walter, look. This lady mustve been all over the world. Bombay, tokyo, paris, rome, brovk, brisbane, australia. Well, if she travels that much, why cant she go home at night . I wonder where shes from. Didnt i tell you, carol . Imagine, london oh, now i get it. Now i realize why youre so steamed up about this dame. You can put on the dog with all your friends. Findlay residence cheerio pippip and a yank in the raf. Be quiet, walter, or youll get a yank in the raf youll never forget. Walter, i resent your implying that i am a snob. I couldnt care less what nationality she is. bell rings thats mrs. Naugatuck. Now, remember, walter, shes british, so for heavens sake, dont act like the ugly american. Youre not that goodlooking to start with. Lets just think of her as greer garson in mrs. Miniver, and make her feel at home. Mrs. Naugatuck . You really should do something about them steps. I nearly broke me bloody bum. What did i tell you . Another greer garson. Im maude findlay. This is my husband walter and my daughter carol. How do you do . Uh, you know, mrs. Naugatuck, i am a bit of an anglophile. That means english buff, walter. Youve been to london . No, but i have relatives in toronto. And i have been to the London Bridge in arizona. Oh, my it has fallen down, hasnt it . Mother tells us you lived in brisbane. Yes. But i didnt get to see much of it. I was ever so busy. Oh, as a housekeeper . In a manner of speaking. It was a bawdy house. You did say boarding house . Oh, no. Bawdy house. They didnt stay over. Oh, good heavens, no i owned the place. Oh, splendid some of my belongings have arrived. Splendid mrs. Naugatuck, nothing personal, but isnt this an awful lot for a one weeks tryout . Come on, ducks. Ive never met a soul who didnt go crackers over my cookin. And my houseworks bang on, and everybody goes potty over my personality. So, ill be here for good. So, if you just show me my room, ill get hoppin. All right, mrs. Naugatuck, walk this way. Uh, if i could walk that way, id have stayed in brisbane. Walter, did you hear . First, were going crackers, and then were gonna go potty. Isnt she perfection . Yeah, maude. Perfection. Oh, now, walter. Not a chance, maude. Not a chance please now, maude. Im not gonna say it again. Shes gotta leave. I dont want sleepin help, british or not, and thats final. Oh, come on, now, walter final all right, all right, ill talk to her. Thats what i get for offering a smattering of culture to a man who crumbles ritz crackers into his soup. mrs. Naugatuck singing there she is. Tell her. Mrs. Naugatuck. Mrs. Naugatuck yes, mum . What a beautiful vase oh, you like it, mum . Like it . This is lovely cyrils in there. Cyril . Just since he died. I hope you wont mind, mum. You wont even know hes in the house. I think thats touching, dont you, walter . Beautiful. If you did that with all your husbands, youd have to carry a sixpack. Now, call her out and tell her shes through. Maude you know in your heart you had no right to bring anybody into this house without discussing it with me. Youre right, walter. Youre absolutely right. And i also know in my heart that because youre right, you should have the honor of firing that dear sweet lady. Mrs. Naugatuck . Maude you called, mum . Mrs. Naugatuck, mr. Findlay would like a word with you. Mrs. Naugatuck, id like to speak to you about your employment. Ys delighted to talk with the master. Im sorry i have to the master . You are the head of the house. Well, of course i am. Uh, now, uh, wont you sit down . Oh, no, sir, no. Thats not my place. My place is to make the master comfy. There thank you. Now, then, mrs. Naugatuck oh, excuse me, sir there. Now, one little tootsie, and another little tootsie. There now. Thats better, isnt it . Puts a bit of zippity in the ol doodah. Its much better. The ol doodah does feel a little zippier. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, its a pity. But the master neednt worry. Hell have me to pamper him. Thank you. Thank you. Well, its been ever so nice talking like this about my employment. Ive enjoyed it thoroughly. Thank you. Thank you. And, now, if the master doesnt mind, ot a kettle on the boil. Ill make him a spot of tea. Oh, the master doesnt mind. Two lumps in my spot. . Theres only a god and a beauty queen . . A beautiful sight . Did he talk to you . Oh, yes. Dear, dear, dear mrs. Naugatuck. Life deals us all such unexpected blows, doesnt it . You know, mr. Findlay is such a mercurial creature, so intolerant, on the one hand, and yet, on the other, hold it, mum. Dont get my bloomers in a twist . Thats right. Im staying oh, thul wonnow, look, youre gon a milliono for the Womens Rights Party tonight. U cafix the hors doeuvres, vacuum the living room, dust the furniture, i beg your pardon . The master wants tea, and when i run a household, what the master wawhats the matter . Something tells me, carol, that. . . If youre on medicare, remember, the open Enrollment Period is here. The time to choose your Medicare Coverage begins october 15th and ends december 7th. So call unitedhealthcare to enroll. In a plan that could give you the benefits and stability youre looking for, an aarp medicarecomplete plan insured through unitedhealthcare. What makes it complete . It can combine medicare parts a and b, which is your hospital and doctor coverage with coverage, and more, all in one simple plan for a low monthly premium or in some areas, no plan premium at all. An aarp medicarecomplete plan offers you bens n annual physical, preventive screenings and most immunizations all for a 0 copay. Youll also have access to a local network of doctors and much more. You can get routine vision and hearing coverage, a fitness membership to help you stay active, r prescriptions, youll pay the plans lowest price, whether its your copay or the pharmacy price. Or pay zero dollars for a 90day supply of your er and tier 2 drugs, delivered right to your door. In fact, our Medicare Advantage plan members saved an average of over 4,500 last year. In now is the time to look ate your options. Bener ovficiar 30 years. Welconnect you with the right people, help schedule your appointments, and with renew by unitedhealthcare, you can learn about Healthy Living and earn rewards, too. Remember, medicare open enrollment ends decemb er call unitedhealthcare today about an aarp medicarecomplete plan. Maude, what are you doing with that . I intend to use it as a muff. Uh, mrs. Naugatuck. Yes, mum . Uh, mrs. Naugatuck, i dont know what youre accustomed to, but over here, when we put tissue in the bathroom, we place it so that it rolls from the bottom up, not the top down. Why . Well. Because. Oh. Maude, what the hell is the difference . The difference is why we drive on the right side and she drives on the left. british accent you old master. Shall i take the tissue, mum, and put it in the guest bathroom . Yes, thank you, mrs. Naugatuck. mrs. Naugatuck sings maude, whats the matter . Walter, i dont wish to be picky, but i cannot stand listening to the happy hooker. Well, i like her voice. I think hiring mrs. Naugatuck was the smartest thing you ever did. I hung the tissue your way, maam. Wrong side up. Eya eya you mustnt do that. Of the house. Comax. Over youre on your feet all week at business. Mrs. Naugatuck, let her mp maude. Now, look at it this way. Our feet, walter, we are having a party tonight, so, if you dont mind, why dont you get up off of what you have so much to sit down on . mocks mrs. Naugatuck easetake this trunk upstairs. All right, all right, all right, all right. Walter, why did you change your mind about sleepin help . My only aim in life is to please you. Walter, to put it as delicately as possible in a pigs eye. And you know how bad i am at directions. I mean it, maude. I mean, besides, i never dreamed shed be so efficient. How do you know shes efficient, walter . All youve ever seen her do is fluff up your pillow. The truth be known, that fluffer has you wrapped around her little finger. Maude, youre jealous oh, come on. Me, jealous . Of a bantamweight exmadam . She probably ran that house she is not running me. Oh, then how come you took her side with the toilet tissue all i said was, whats the difference . How come you didnt say, whats the difference . Five years ago, when we had that knockdown dragout fight about the very sue . You know, maude, as we stroll down lifes highway, yoecomg more and more paranoid. Oh, let me tell you something, walter later, maude. You told me to take the trunk upstairs . Im gonna take the trunk upstairs. Ifhesi. Well, at least let mep okaythere. Ifhesi. You got it . Yes. Okay, wait a minute. Here we go. There you go. You got it . Now, maude. mrs. Naugatuck sings showoff . Shes terrific. You know what your trouble is, walter . You have a nanny fixation. Well, i dont care for that womans attitude. Shes gotta be straightened out, right here and now maude, i am fed up with this whole issue do whatever you want all right, i will. Mrs. Naugatuck, i would like wh. Just when s. My husband can take care of that. Oh, you cant let a man do that, mum. Thats womans work. I prefer to think of myself as a tall jane fonda. Now, the time has come when we must stop dcls citizens, mrs. Naugahide tuck. Whatever. Than just maids, housewives, and sex kittens. Oh, speak for yourself. I rather enjoy being a sex kitten. You . If god had meant men and women to be the same, hed have made them the same. , come off it, naugatuck. That is oldfashionedattude. W,n toe. And female roles. You know whats the matter with you, mum . Why, theres no in thworld who loves men more than i do. If you need further proof, may i remind you that four of them mrs. Naugatuck, i will not be insulted in my own home and i will not be told how to handle men in anyones home a womans role is to serve the male. It is everyones role nterests of others regardless of sex. Im afraid i cannot have this antiquated thinking in my house. Oh, what are you trying to say . are you giving me the sack . well, i quit i wouldnt stay here another minute. Good youll get a weeks pay for your trouble. I dont need your blooming charity. And i dont need you maude well, i certainly do not need you oh, yes, you do oh, no, i dont i wouldnt take you if you were the last maude, sit mumbling and bickering now, listen to me, both of you. The guests will be arriving any minute and you two are standing out here yelling at each other like a couple of adolescent schoolgirls. women resume yelling quiet youre always yapping about womens rights. Well, mrs. Naugatuck is a woman, and she has the right to think whatever she pleases about men, women, or anything else here, here let me tell you something. Times are changing. But take my word for it, history is gonna be on her side. Take my word for she is one hell of a woman here, here i dont care what you do, but lets get this solved because in a few minutes well, what do you think . Are we ever gonna get through to each other . Hmm, i doubt it. Youre very opinionated. Youre the one whos opinionated. Thats your opinion. Tled to my opinion. Crusty, old broad. Why dont you just come out and say youre sorry . Well, because trusty, old broad. Feisty, old biddy. doorbell ringing if you get the door, ill pack your things. Including cyril. Oh, good evening wont you come in . Both good evening welcome to the findlay residence. Oh, dear, are we the first ones here . The fast is always the best. Oh, isnt she charng . Man wouldnt you know maude would hire an english housekeeper . Wont you sit down . And ill get you some drinks. A ginger ale for the lady and a double martini for mister. Yes, thats right. Woman what a perfectly lovely delightful creature how dyou know that was what they wanted . I wasnt a topless barmaid for nothing. Maude, where did you ever find her . Shes a gem yeah, soso cultured. I love her accent. Accent . Does mrs. Naugatuck have an accent . Oh, ill have to listen for it. You know her last job was in brisbane. She managed a giant household there. Oh, carol, carol, would you take the covers off the hot hors doeuvres . Welcome aboard, mrs. Naugatuck. Dont worry, ducks. Ill have her eating out of my hand in no time. I hope you made the right decision, mother. Oh, dont worry, carol. Ill have her eating out of my hand in no time. doorbell ringing feisty. . Donny hathaway . Lady godiva was a freedom rider . Women . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She didnt care if the whole world looked . . Joan of arc with the lord to guide her . . Ooh ooh ooh. . . She was a sister who really cooked . . Ooh ooh. . . Isadora was the first bra burner . You glad she showed up . . . Oh, yeah . . And when the country was fallin apart . . Betsy ross got it all sewed up . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres maude . . And then theres . . That uncompromisin, enterprisin . . Anything but tranquilizin . All . Right on maude . I mean, we finally get a threeday weekend, a couple of days away in vermont a vacation from the demands of marriage . The demands of marriage . Top of the morning to you, walter good morning, buttercup. Oh, dry up, arthur. And im rarin to go whoohoo here, arthur, you forgot your worms. Oh, good work, vivian. I wouldnt want to forget these babies. I got em wholesale. Wholesale . Yeah. I got a friend in worms. Oh, arthur bye, maude walter youre gonna be gone for three days arent you even gonna kiss me goodbye . The next time you kiss me like that, ill be facing the other direction. Oh, lets face it, viv, theres only one thing that two lonely, desperate women like ourselves can do in a situation like this. What . Go off our diets. Mmm. Mmm oh, boy mmm mmm yum oh, its. This is some lunch, huh, viv . Mmm mmm ill say this is almost better than sex. Almost . Uhhuh. Waitll you taste this. Huh . Yeah . I see what you mean. Mmm oh oh you know, the thing that drives me crazy, viv, is that while were cooped up in this house with. Wheres the drawn butter . Huh . Vivian, theres no more drawn butter here it is. No more drawn butter here, here, here easy, easy, easy while were sitting here, cooped up with nothing to do uhhuh . Boy, that really gave me a start. Oh. Those two clowns are out on that lake having the time of their lives, laughing, joking. Lemen, welcome to the homiest jail in vermont. Officer will you shut up, arthur . walter, i resent your attitude. Youre the one that was speeding, you know. Speeding . i was only going four miles over the limit please, fellas, just slow it, just slow it. Easy, easy, easy walter leave me alone, arthur ay up, you know now, listen, where we come from pal, i know all about where you come from. Its the same place i ran away from new york, right . Sten the traffic, the smog, the crowds, the noise what the. sighs the delis, the pollution. Huh . The subways, the busses. Listen, what the hell does that got to and to be perfectly succinct, to get away from loudmouths like you. Mouth, officer, mouth. Im on your side. And you got no gripes coming about this ticket here. I mean, were the bestknown speed trap in new england. I mean, were were even mentioned by the automobile club. Is post a fiftydollar bond, and you can go home. Now, let me see your license. I dont have my license. Ill forget you said that. Have you got the 50 . No yeah. Well, its gonna be one of those days. Huh. Well, its all this idiots fault. Idiot . Well, look, you took all our valuables and put em in a knapsack, and now theyre all at the bottom of lake willoughby. All right, just pipe down now i saved you from drowning. Who was the one who left the heater on in that tent . And who put that heater next to the plastic bucket . And who stood up in the boat and screamed, the tents on fire and tipped the canoe over . You, you dummy, you tooting my brotherinlaw put you up to this, right . He sent you two up here to get even with me for having a sister who turned to fat, right . Look, officer, as soon as we get home, well send you a check. Hmm . Honest injun, swear on a pigeon. Ha ha ha ha ha. Thats funny. Yeah, thats very funny. As a matter of fact, its so funny, im gonna let you try it out on the judge at 8 00 tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning . Im not spending any time in any crummy motel around here. Do you think id let you gentlemen spend any time in any crummy motel around here . No. No, not on your life. No. In the clink. If you dont mind. I dont believe it, i just dont believe it. Oh, please, believe it. My reputation as a crime fighter is at stake. Now, officer, look. Ha ha. Obviously, theres been some little misunderstanding here. Ah. And this is my friend walter findlay. Hes a wellknown appliance dealer. Oh. Well, well. Well, then, then, tell me something if youreif youre such a bigdeal appliance dealer, and youre a doctor, then, how come how come youre driving a 59 volkswagen camper with naked ladies painted on the side . We borrowed it from my wifes nephew. Who is a hippie he is not. You see, being a doctor, naturally, i drive a cadillac. Which is why your patients have to take the bus. Now, wait a minute, officer. I can call my wife, and shell wire you the money. And they always allow it on kojak. All right. All right, just one. But make it short. Sometimes, somebody calls the police. Wait a minute, walter, wait a minute who you gonna call . Room service, who do you think im calling . Maude no. I say we call vivian. Im using the phone, and im calling maude. All right, supposing shes out, see . You could get carol or phillip. You want to ask a tenyearold boy for bail . Oh. Now, we call my house, we get one person and one person only, and that one person is vivian. Okay, arthur. For once, youre making a little sense. ringing answering machine hello, im vivian harmon, and this is a recording. Arthurs gone fishing, and im spending the weekend at maudes. Please wait for the beep and then leave your message. beep mmm. Just hit the spot. Id like to hit a spot. Unh. Id like to hit walters bald spot. You know what bugs me . Hmm . While were here compensating for their absence by eating and eating pass me the moo goo gai pan the minute walter comes off that lake, i know hes gonna run to the nearest telephone my life. Uhhuh. phone rings yeah . There he is, there he is. rings give me a little makki. rings hello . Yes, walter, i know youre having the time of your life. She hung up. Okay, kojak, you had your phone call, so give it. Oh, now, wait a minute im not gonna spend any time in a crummy jail around here come on, now, wait a minute you know, youre really asking for it, walter, the way youre behaving. I know youre just doing your duty. Say, why dont we just 104, 440, whatever that is . Well, thats thats good because, youll forgive me because i forgot that since tomorrow is sunday, the judge wont be here for two days. Lets go. Walter two days . hold it hey, this is an outrage hey, come on. You cant do this to us hold it hold it, where you going . to move your camper. All right you didnt read us our rights i demand to know my rights well, youre not under arrest yet. You dont have any rights. Well, well see about that he cant treat us like your average common criminal who are you . Say, uh, you gentlemen are not gonna make too much noise, are ya . Im, uh, composing my memoirs. By george extraordinary what these things are like, isnt it . Ha ha. I never thought much about it. Wow. There once was a girl from nantucket, who. Hey, you like poetry . I got a sonnet over here. Officer officer theres some absolutely shocking language look, pal, if youre a doctor the way you say you are yeah . Then, you should be able to tell me what this is. Well, let me see. Yes, yes, i, uh, im experienced with this, uh, clearly from a clinical point of view, of course. Uh, thats cannabis. Its what . commonly known as pot. I mean, for crying out loud, thats not our stuff um. Uhuh, wait a minute that mustve been in my nephews van from before of course, officer, of course im a prominent physician, it couldnt possibly be mine its gonna be an interesting trial. Now, is there anything i can get you gentlemen to help while away the time . Cards . Magazines . Fiveyear calendar . Five years . please dont argue, phillip i know i shouldve used my one call to call my lawyer phillip, i know they always do that on kojak look, just remember to give maude that number as soon as she gets home from colonel sanders. Its no use, arthur, its no use. Theyre gonna throw away the key were nobodies nameless, faceless nobodies . Nobody knows . . The trouble ive seen . I must say, you dont handle pressure very well, walter. Now, there must be some reasonable way out of this thing. Maybe our convict friend here can help us. Hey, sweetheart. Uh, what do they got you in the big house for . Ah huh. Well, im in for what you might call black evolution. My greatgranddaddy was an immigrant. And im a vagrant. The man is a thirdgeneration bum, walter. Well, now, in reality, the only difference between me and you gentlemen is a little matter of speed. You were going through town too fast, and i wasnt going fast enough. Say, pal, as a convict with some experience, how would you go about getting out of here if you were us . Well. You could take this cup here, see . Mmhmm. And run it across the bars. Yeah. And yell and scream and rip up everything. Thats what the newspapers call prison revolt. We call it recreational therapy. Thats ridiculous i couldnt do a thing like that. Doctor. Uhhuh. Well, what im trying to tell you, prominent doc, is there aint nothin we three bums can do. Were in here as long as the man wants to keep us. Look, friend, uh, were in a slightly different position than you are. Uhhuh. You see, youre, uh, different. No. Thats not quite what i mean to say. Uh. Arthur you see, youre black, youre used to injustice. Oh. Mmhmm. Look, uh, he didnt mean that either. No. He is pretty close there. Arthur, dont you see what hes saying . In here, were all the same. I could just as well be you. You could just as well be him. Or he could just as well be you. Well, hed certainly be getting the best of that deal. Arthur, how can you be so thick . plates for the next ten years oh, thats ridiculous, walter that is ridiculous. Were innocent, we dont belong here and i happen to believe our penal system works. No, it dont. Well, look at it it dont even have a seat. Gentlemen. Ii have some disquieting news for you. See, i just realized that were now dealing with a felony. Ng judge sweeney. Oh, yeah . The hanging judge . The hanging judge . well, he should be able to get your case on the docket in two or three weeks. Two or three weeks . well, i hope you fellas enjoy my wifes meatloaf because well have it for the entire month. Walter, you gotta do something phone rings dont answer that phone please dont answer it thatd be for me please, let me answer that phone all right, all right, all right, answer it. Hey, why did you tell phillip you were in jail . Oh, well, come on, walter, if you were in jail, you wouldnt be able to answer the phone. Whatthe canoe tipped over, walter . What . laughs what . The canoe tipped over laughs what . The tent burned down . both laughing maude maude, im not kidding stop laughing, maude, and listen let me have that maude . Maudie, stop laughing and put vivian on the wire. both laughing its arthur. Arthur . Huh . What . laughs hysterically what . What . What . The hanging judge oh, arthur, youre such a card huh . Slap yourself she. She hung up. Probably to slap herself. All right, laurel and hardy, lets go, in you go. How dare you call us laurel and hardy i am a prominent doctor, and hes. This is another fine mess youve gotten us into. Walter, dont you see whats happening . Nobody will listen to us were nameless, faceless nobodies you idiot, thats what weve been trying to tell you all along. Thats right, sweetheart. Let us out of here yocant keep us behind bars were not animals were laurel and hardy aaa free operation tonsils, appendix. A hair transplant is that a bribe . Yes no. Arthur, arthur, please. This isnt going to help. Dont panic ive got more reason to be panicky than you have, walter. Im a prominent physician. I got a wonderful practice, a wife who loves me. De. If you were in your right mind, id punch you right in the nose. Sure, kick a man when hes down. Arthur, why are we arguing like this we should stick together oh, stick together yourself i was always the good boy people always looked up to me even the families of people that died arthur, please, youre making things worse what could be worse than being in jail . We could be here two years, three years, more years. You said yourself some kid in texas got 25 years. Yeah, but he was black. You probably onlyll get ten. Whats gonna become of me . I cant sit here and rot for the rest of my life ill be so old, vivian wont even recognize me and shell be so old, i wont even care i cant take it let me out of here let me out of here let me out of here im a prominent physician im a prominent physician im a prominent physician let me out of here ive gotta get out of here i cant take it anymore i cant take it anymore take it easy free Arthur Harmon free Arthur Harmon free Arthur Harmon come on, for crying out loud will you help stop him . freedom help rape rape . Arthur rape rape i didnt touch him. What are you doing in here . Police brutality hes gonna hit us, walter. What are you wrecking my jail for . Do you realize somebodys gonna have to clean that up . You rippedyou ripped up the throw pillows my wife made me for christmas. You. Get out of here what . If you think im gonna put up with you guys, youre nuts this is new york all over again you are the worst prisoners ive ever seen in my life, right . Right. Here, take your lousy speeding ticket and get out of my life. Right. Wrong. flushing now, you havent seen any evidence, have you . Whyd you do that . I couldve smoked it faster than that come onout, out walter thank you, sir. Thank you, officer. Thank you very much officer now, please, stop okay, were going go in is aint a general amnesty . Noyoure. Youre a model prisoner. door shuts sighs