like rice. - that's not how it works. so you've been-- i've told people you're vegan. - oh, [bleep]. - and how here it is, your moment of them, the best of roy wood jr. - are you sure? - i lied to people because of you, man. - oh, damn. [upbeat percussive music] 2016 been a stressful year for black folks, man. you got two candidates nobody want to vote for. you got chaos in the streets. and for the most part, most black people get to emote the way they want to. but there's one group that can't: the black journalists. [crowd cheering] when you're black and on tv, people say awesome stuff to you like this. - the post-colonial victim [bleep], i don't get it, sorry. [boxing bell dings] - yeah, no [bleep] you don't, fake gary busey. and that ain't even the worst of it. - say you're a cocaine dealer. and you kind of look like one a little bit. - he just said that... out loud. most people would have cussed that dude out, but if you're a black journalist, you got to keep your cool. - as do you. you look like a cocaine user. so we're even. [laughs] - black journalists constantly have to bite their tongue. they come close to the line, but god bless them, they never cross it, 'cause if they do, then they'll be labeled an "angry black man." and what's worse than being labeled an angry black man? an angry black woman. cnn's angela rye never breaks on tv, but you damn sure know what she's thinking. that girl could have her own emoji keyboard. - donald trump's done great things in his private time too. - i am a black woman. i do roll my eyes. if someone says something, frankly, that's crazy as hell, i don't think that you should have to remain composed. - and that's just her silent game. her verbal game? oh, man, that's a whole nother level. - tell me about those tax returns, corey, while you're at it. - watch her take down trump's campaign manager with a beyoncé lyric. - corey, in this moment, i'm gonna beyoncé you. boy, bye. - you don't even see it coming. you just be having a conversation, and--bop!--beyoncé. nobody's come closer to the edge than marc lamont hill and for good reason. racist mr. magoo-- i mean, cnn pundit harry houck, he ain't to be messed with. it's not gonna be no easy win for hill. - to say that black people are prone to criminality, i want to be able to respond to that, okay? - well, they are. - you think black people are prone to criminality? - the statistics here show this. - you don't mean to say that. i'm gonna give you a chance to correct it. you don't mean that black people... - what does it say? - are prone to criminality. if harry's here, i was, like, right here. like, he almost got them hands. - he almost got them hands. - and i would reinforce the thing that he's saying, which is that we prone to criminality. [people talking at once] - i'm hoping you just don't know... - he's literally praying to god on national television. - it was like, "light bill. "car loan. mortgage." - jesus was the only thing that saved marc lamont hill that night. [glorious music] black journalists keeping their [bleep] together is one of the few things moving the conversation on race forward, so i salute the brave men and women of cable news, 'cause best believe if i was in your shoes, i wouldn't be able to hold myself back. - i'm just tired of the police getting the brunt of everything that's going on inside the inner-city chicago. you people-- - what? - no, no, it's not "you people," harry houck. come on. - everyone everywhere is still trying to figure out what in the living [bleep] happened at the oscars. here with his expert analysis is our very own roy wood jr., everybody. [cheers and applause] - thank you, trevor. - roy, welcome the show. real quick, though, what's going on with the outfit, man? - i dress up whenever a black movie wins best picture. [laughter] you should have seen me after "12 years a slave" won. look, in order for you to understand what happened last night, you have to understand the phenomenon known as peak blackness. [cheers and laughter] - i'm sorry, roy. what the hell is peak blackness? - trevor, peak blackness is a rare metaphysical anomaly that can only occur when an amalgam of black excellence comes together at the same societal intersection. - what the hell are you talking about? - it's when a lot of dope black [bleep] happen at the same time. [laughter and applause] it's gotta all happen together. going into last night, you had black history month, beyoncé's pregnancy with jay's twins, multiple black movies were nominated for oscars, and frederick douglass came back to life. [laughter and applause] trevor, we are operating at maximum levels of blacktivity that we haven't seen in decades, better known as peak blackness. [cheers and applause] - i don't--you know, i don't want to call you out, but i'm from africa, and i've never heard of "peak blackness." - that's 'cause y'all get it all the time. like, africa is peak blackness. [laughter] but for us, it's special. peak blackness is the only time you can see a brother doing this. - a south carolina protestor was arrested at a demonstration in downtown charleston. police say the man jumped a barricade and tried to take this confederate flag from a man. [laughter] [cheers and applause] - defying the police to fight the confederacy while at the same time setting a high jump record? peak blackness! [cheers and applause] and that is what happened last night. - this is great, man. we've hit peak blackness? - mm-hmm. - you think it'll ever end? - oh, ho ho ho! no, no, trevor. peak blackness is here for a long time. real hip-hop is back. yo, man, remy ma is beefing with nicki minaj. there is nothing that could end peak blackness. nothing! - nothing could end it? - nothing. - peak blackness, baby. - peak blackness. - peak blackness! ha! [laughter] ha! - it's over. it's over. [laughter] - we had a good run. thank you, roy. roy wood jr., everyone. we'll be right back. roy, we had a good run. are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. [car engine failing to start] [wind blows] yo- wh- ah- he- [gas pouring] [slurps loudly] [engine starting] [loud slurping continues] classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside. new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined. at coors, our mountain is creating a more sustainable world. it's why we pioneered the recyclable can. made our breweries landfill-free. and built the most powerful solar array at any one brewery in the country. but our climb is far from over. so, we keep pushing forward. coors light. whatever your mountain, climb on . ♪ does your makeup remover every kiss-proof,ff? cry-proof, stay-proof look? neutrogena® makeup remover does. it erases 99% of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. need any more proof than that? neutrogena. - i--i've been with meals on wheels since 1990. i get their meals three times a week, and i enjoy them very much. - i'm 98 years old, and i do receive meals on wheels, which i really depend on. without out, i would probably wind up living on canned food, so i really do appreciate it. - when we first heard that president trump was sending money to the military and cutting money from programs like meals on wheels, the solution was obvious: become militarized. we're now meal team six. if we look and act like the military when delivering food, we can trick the president and protect meals on wheels. we fed the elderly, the disabled, half a million veterans, over 2.4 million americans. now, who are we? all: meal team six, sir! - who are you? all: meal team six, sir! - delicious. mount up. it's our duty to get this food in these people's homes and their bellies, and it's not easy. they got locked doors. they got cats. some of them need their food before "jeopardy!" starts. [dramatic music] ♪ - the freaking sandwich. ♪ - fire in the hole. [glass shatters] - why can't they just ring the doorbell? i'm always home. and i have a cooler outside. they can put the food in the cooler. either one is good. - does it get intense? hell, yeah, it gets intense! [solemn orchestral music] [flower duet from lakmé] [thud] - not every mission's gonna be perfect. you have your good days and your bad. [cries] i forgot the cream cheese. i forgot the cream cheese! [sobbing] but you wake up the next day, you strap up your boots, and keep tricking the president into thinking you're part of the military. irene, put the quesadillas on 350 for 28 minutes. it's the perfect temperature. - it's certainly 100% better than no food at all. - i would prefer this type of delivery-- - [yelling] what kind of food do you want for dinner? do you want spaghetti, or do you want meatballs? - spaghetti! - do you have any gluten allergies? - no, i don't. - good deal. is this the perfect way to get food to people? probably not. but at least it's feeding folks like irene and peter, and they're veterans, for god sake. they fought for and alongside america. it's our duty to feed them. and if you even mess with them or any other meals on wheels recipient, you're gonna see what meal team six can do. do not mess with us! we are meal team six! hoo ra la! [dramatic music] - whoo! - yeah! - i wanted to show north carolinians what hb2 would look like in action, so i rented a food truck, made up a fake barbecue company, and set out to refuse service to people by telling them they're gay. now, let's be clear; i don't care if they're gay or not. but hb2 says i can do this jim crow-level [bleep] and nobody can stop me. i just needed someone to help me with the actual discriminating. there we go. time for north carolina to try a little bit of the bone brothers, flame and barbecue. - what's going on, buddy? - what's good, fan? what's up with y'all? - huh? - i'm saying... - you all gay? that's what i thought. yeah, they gay. we're not serving gay folks. i'm sorry. we don't serve gay people. - you just said you're all together. [laughter] [bleep], no. - no, no, you, lenny kravitz, ceelo, all y'all [bleep]. [laughter and applause] it's good, my dude. - it don't matter, fan. if i think you gay, that's what it is. - wow, that is so weird. it's as if people don't like arbitrary discrimination. - welcome to bone brothers. what are you guys looking for? - i'll serve you guys, but i won't serve him. - i'm good with those guys. i can't serve you. - lifestyle stuff. - we don't serve gay people. - look, your gay taste buds aren't even calibrated to enjoy straight mac and cheese. they're more... cultivated to enjoy things like cilantro and penis. - how about that? it was clear that discrimination really sucks, and a lot of these people were experiencing it for the first time. virgins. - guys, i'm not trying to be a dick here. - how am i being a dick? - look, if anybody knows something about discrimination, it's me. i got called "[bleep]" four times this morning. - again, sorry about that. - it happens. - i was told this was cool in north carolina. i don't have to justify myself. that's an instinct i have, is that you are gay, and i don't feel comfortable-- - he's got good instinct, bro. - the bible, bro. - you're a pastor? - you're a pastor? but then you know. tell him. - there you go. and all it took was a pastor to ask the real question, which was, "what the [bleep] does being gay have to do with a person getting some barbecue?" - next! - and it turns out he's not alone. 70% of north carolinians think hb2 is bad for their state. but until their government repeals hb2, this ridiculous thing we did is completely, 100% legal. - i'm sorry. we don't serve gays. - and just so you know, we let everybody off the hook, and we gave them free barbecue, 'cause what we did was kind of [bleep] up. i mean, these people already have to live in north carolina. i'm roy wood with "the daily show." that's stressful enough. [laughter] ♪ ♪i'ma wade, i'ma wave through the waters♪ ♪tell the tide, "don't move" ♪freedom! freedom! i can't move ♪freedom, cut me loose! ♪freedom! freedom! where are you?♪ ♪cause i need freedom too! ♪freedom! freedom! freedom! freedom!♪ ♪what you want from me? ♪is it truth you seek? oh father can you hear meee...ooow?♪ ♪ will the all new kfc georgia gold chicken with its great tasting honey mustard barbeque sauce make you rich and successful? [thud] i don't know. ♪ it's finger lickin' gold! classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside. new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined. a fresh remix of natural flavors... cherry blossom, gold apple, and orange blossom. no artificial flavors, or colors. award winning strongbow hard ciders. america's favorite cookie delicious european chocolate candy introducing new oreo chocolate candy bars look for them wherever you buy chocolate candy. they are gonna be hitting us with everythoh damn! got. i chose you for this squad because you are the most fearsome warriors on the planet. [ upbeat music playing ] you do your job and you take them down. yea! now saddle up and save the entire damn world. fire! [ engine revs ] [ upbeat music playing ] i need to get my selfie levels up. you realize this is classified right? not today. rated pg-13. - school's back in session, which means college students are stocking up on textbooks, cargo shorts, and, in texas, ammunition? - texas will allow people with concealed handgun permits to carry their guns into public university buildings, classrooms, and dorms. - that's right; now the freshman 15 is just how many bullets your gun can hold. but with campus shootings on the rise, open carry texas founder cj grisham says it's about damn time. - wherever i plant my feet as a free man, i should be able to carry my firearm. - so everywhere but space. - yeah, pretty much. i should be able to carry my gun into that classroom, into that cafeteria, into that stadium. - the place where there's all the alcohol. - people carry into olive garden all the time, and they serve alcohol there, and we don't have shootouts. - well, of course nobody's shooting at olive garden. when you're there, you're family. - we're not talking about anybody being able to carry onto a campus. we're talking about 21-year-old students who have been trained. - okay. but even in cowboy country, not everybody was welcoming their new locked-and-loaded classmates. lady that hates guns jessica jin. - guns should not be on college campuses. - but this is texas, though. you know the texas state motto: "if it moves, shoot it." - i don't think that a student has a capability to react appropriately in the unlikely event of a mass shooter. - but they have a gun. they're trained. - in texas, it only takes four hours to get a concealed handgun license. - wait, four hours to learn how to shoot a gun? - right. - i had a job at baskin-robbins. it took them a week to teach me how to scoop ice cream. a week to learn how to do that. okay, maybe the training is a little lax, but what are these sexting, friendstagramming millennials gonna do about it? - we're fighting guns on campus with dildos. - and y'all just carrying dildos around? - absolutely. we are strapping gigantic dildos to our backpacks. - this is a family show. you don't bring-- mama, turn the channel. my mama watch this [bleep], man. - we're fighting absurdity with absurdity. - or at least that was the plan. - it turns out that it's illegal to openly brandish a dildo in texas. - really? - yes. - so this is legal. this is illegal. - welcome to texas. - why's this blurred out? damn, it's illegal on comedy central too. even though it was illegal, jin's rebellious dildo protect caught fire and spread like an std on a college campus. students proudly showed off their dildos to show gun activists that-- ooh. oh, my god. he just throwing all the dicks in the air. that is a lot of dicks. - bringing dildos onto a college campus, it's very vulgar, it's very obscene, and i think waving a penis around is quite immature. i mean, we are talking about college students who probably haven't matured yet. - [sighs] this dude is gonna give me a migraine. should you have a gun if you haven't fully matured? - yes, immature people can still be very responsible. - but grisham still had more to prove. - the left has this obsession with male genitalia. they say that because i carry a gun, i'm obviously compensating for something. - what you packing? - i carry a normal-sized-- or average-sized .45. - why'd you say "average"? - it's about average. it's about four inches. barrel length. - you ever thought about extending that barrel? - the larger the gun, the harder it is to conceal. that's for sure. - oh, i know. grisham wasn't taking these dildos laying down, so he set up a massive counterprotest-- all right, it was four [bleep] with a sign and a big rifle. - there was a purpose to us open-carrying a gun: to show that we're not a threat. - because of this protest, i've gotten death threats. - these aren't casual threats. one pro-gun advocate went so far as to release a film of someone murdering a dildo protestor. but dildo haters and texas laws weren't enough to keep jessica's dicks at home. - it doesn't feel good to walk around with a dildo on my backpack. but people have become so numb to gun violence in america. our dildos are an object of political resistance. - to keep jessica out of jail, i had to help these illegal dick protestors. i will teach you the techniques of proper protesting as taught to me by the couple of civil rights movies that i watched this morning! my solution: make dildos legal on a texas campus by adding a gun. put your dicks in the air! crowd: cocks, not glocks! - let's go! all: cocks, not glocks! cocks, not glocks! cocks, not glocks! who knows? maybe we could bring these two sides together. if your firearm makes someone uncomfortable, what should they do? - uh, close their eyes. educate themselves. - take this. look at that. - i'm actually a little uncomfortable holding it. i just don't like... holding one of these. - well, maybe you should close your eyes and educate yourself. ♪ red line, 20 minute delay. oh, no. (rhythmic clatter) can't get a signal? so annoying, right? yeah, and i'm late for a job interview. hey, man, can you just nix it, just for like two seconds? thank you. you need verizon. they have the largest, most reliable 4g lte network in america. it's made to work in places like this. with verizon unlimited, we could video chat the interview in hd right here. okay. hey, man, i'll cue you. (vo) when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. i'm a people person. (drumming resumes) they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪ it has the same great taste a it's always had. even the same sound. [sfx: buschhhhh] [sfx: buschhhhh] i like yours too.hair. can i have some? it's not cool to ask that. thanks, captain obvious. online dating isn't always rewarding. but hotels.com is. instant savings now, free nights later. hotels.com. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. - you could make an entire rap song with just donald trump quotes. all you need is a dope beat. - ♪ bow ♪ bow, bowm ♪ bow ♪ bow, bowm ♪ bow ♪ bow, bowm - told ya. - told ya. - truth. - ♪ check me out ♪ democrats, they love me ♪ check me out, these muslims love me ♪ - they do. - ♪ stop hating ♪ these women love me, these gays love me ♪ ♪ everybody love me - told ya. - ♪ check me out, megyn kelly, she love me ♪ ♪ check me out, illegals, they love me ♪ - you bet. - ♪ what it do ♪ these veterans love me, protestors love me ♪ ♪ everybody love me [phone rings] 360, what's good? [chuckles] well, i got to go, man. the beat about to drop. - the blacks. ♪ check me out, democrats, they love me ♪ - whoo! - ♪ check me out ♪ these muslims love me - oh, yeah. - ♪ stop hating, these women love me ♪ ♪ these gays love me, everybody love me ♪ - told ya. - ♪ check me out ♪ megyn kelly, she love me - love me. - ♪ check me out, illegals, they love me ♪ - love me. - ♪ what it do ♪ these veterans love me ♪ protestors love me ♪ everybody love me - told ya. [laughter] [cheers and applause] - roy wood jr., aka black trump, everybody! we'll be right back! [cheers and applause] - boo-- [coughs] - the results are still coming in. it's still a close race between hillary clinton and this damn hot wing, man. [laughter] he look like a plate of hot wings, brah. and he gon' win, man. now tell your mom to get off the phone and plug in your modem. it's @midnight. ♪ (cheers and applause) ow! ow! spank me once, shame at you. spank me twice, now we're talking. clinton and trump are at it again. the apple doesn't fall far from the pc. and damn it, janet, animal planet. holy moly, it's @midnight! (applause and cheering) i'm struggling actor kato kaelin. and now, here's your host, a man whose tips are so frosted, you'd think they were flakes! chris hardwick! chris hardwick! (applause and cheering) what's happening?

Related Keywords

New York , United States , Charleston , South Carolina , North Carolina , Texas , Chicago , Illinois , Americans , America , Marc Lamont Hill , Gary Busey , Chris Hardwick , Frederick Douglass , Ima Wade , Harry Houck , Nicki Minaj , Megyn Kelly , Remy Ma , Lenny Kravitz , Cj Grisham , Kato Kaelin , Jessica Jin , Roy Wood , Trevor Noah , Hillary Clinton , Roy Wood Jr ,