Report: Your Father Probably Out With One Of His Whores Tonight
METHUEN, MA Adding credence to the longstanding supposition that your dad is a selfish piece of shit, a new report released Tuesday found that your father was probably out with one of his whores tonight. “There’s no doubt that that son-of-a-bitch is painting the town red with one of his little floozies right this second,” read the report in part, suggesting a strong probability that the man who bore you was out late sticking it to some goddamn trollop without a care in the world as to what his loving family would think. “He could be knocking boots with that slut receptionist from his office, or getting a tugjob in his car from some disgusting cocktail waitress or, Hell, he could be lying face down in a ditch, and frankly, we’d all be a lot better off.” The report concluded by noting the high likelihood that you were going to grow up to be exactly like that asshole.
On March 7, CBS will air Oprah With Meghan And Harry: A CBS Primetime Special, a two-hour interview that will be the couple’s first since they publicly split from the U.K. royal family. The Onion looks at the biggest potential revelations from the interview.
Letter: Walgreens akin to equity firms in closing decisions
to the editor
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Letter writer questions Walgreens decision to close Albany stores. (Will Waldron/Times Union)Will Waldron/Albany Times Union
Regarding the story Pharmacy closings a bitter pill for many, Feb. 23, about closings of Walgreens and Rite Aid pharmacies in Albany locations where most of the customers were Black or brown, I was struck by the observation that In March, Walgreens purchased 1,900 Rite Aid stores, with plans to close a third of the stores it acquired. The satirical publication The Onion had it right in a headline last summer after stores were damaged during the Black Lives Matter protests: Protestors criticized for looting businesses without forming private equity firms first.