Biden Nominates Popular Twitter Account @PossumEveryHour For OMB After Discovering Bipartisan Support Of Tweets
WASHINGTON President Joe Biden reportedly nominated popular Twitter account @PossumEveryHour Wednesday for United States Office of Management and Budget Director after discovering bipartisan support of the account’s tweets. “Today, I am thrilled to endorse PossumEveryHour for OMB director, as I believe it’s beloved, marsupial-based brand of content is impossible for both Democrats and Republicans to resist,” said Biden, adding that the account which consistently posts photos of possums hissing, rummaging through garbage cans, and dressed in adorable sweaters to its 311K followers would make a perfect addition to the cabinet under any presidential administration. “Since the day I took office, I pledged to end acrimonious politics, and I believe that this novelty feed of creepy yet still-lovable creatures will make both sides proud. I have followed PossumEveryHour
Study Finds Beckoning Index Finger Still Most Effective Way To Get Americans Onto Dance Floor
NEW HAVEN, CT Confirming decades of social science research into the function and significance of the gesture, a new study released Friday by psychologists at Yale University found that beckoning with your index finger remained the most effective way to get U.S. residents onto the dance floor. “In experiments conducted across multiple demographic groups, we observed that on 97% of occasions, bending a supine finger upward two to three times while imparting a mischievous glance will convince an American who is not dancing to join others who are,” a paper by the researchers read in part, before going on to conclude that the finger bent in a “come hither” manner was significantly more successful than pretending to reel the person in with an imaginary fishing pole or pull them toward you with a pantomimed lasso gesture. “Regardless of whether the non-dancing subject is in the middle o
Satire Website Posts Photo of Anvil Squashing Wyoming The Onion, the satire publication that bills itself America s Finest News Source, dropped a hugely bigly story Thursday morning.
That s because it published a photo of a hugely bigly 97,000-square-mile anvil that dropped on Wyoming and apparently northern Colorado.
The result was that the average American life expectancy falls one year after the event, presumably because the state s roughly 580,000 residents are no more.
The aerial photo does not have any further explanation of the origin of the anvil, nor does The Onion cite any source for the average life expectancy drop perhaps because the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has been busy with that COVID-19 thing.
Bronze Age Man Would Have Worn Nicer Pelts If He’d Known Scientists Would Find His Preserved Body In Bog
DARTMOOR, ENGLAND Caught off guard in one of his ratty old goatskin tunics, Bronze Age tribesman Lugu claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. “Shit, I would have put on a beaten-reed underfrock and one of my nice ceremonial bear’s fur capes if I had any idea that archaeologists in 2021 would exhume my body after its natural mummification in peat,” said the hunter-gatherer, admitting that he would have appreciated enough of a heads-up to let him run home to his wattle-and-daub hut for a clean shearling cap and buckskin leggings. “God, it’s just my luck that the one time I go out wearing a shabby old number with holes in it, I fall into a mire and get encased for centuries in an anaerobic environment. Now people will think my beat-up wicker
Trump Secretly Received Covid-19 Vaccine Before Leaving White House
you think?
Ezra Collins, Ne’er-Do-Well
Benson Cark, Prison Organizer
“But if he’d gotten it publicly, he’d have the survival of thousands on his conscience.”
Gayle Hicks, Mood Speculator