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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130814

Now. laughter why are we talking about this election . That brings us to yet another installment of cant you at least wait until jon stewart comes back . laughter seriously this is my last week doing this its not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, its this some of them are already trying to wind it down. I predict the hard right is going to take over the Republican Party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. You watch. This is what i do for a living. Jon ooh laughter really . Because all this time i thought you were paid to spit on a camera lens. laughter but, look, if making sound predictions is what Chris Matthews does for a living then he may have a bit of a problem because finding soundbites of people saying things that directly contradict the claim theyve just made, thats what we do for a living. cheers and applause so off the top of my head, who did Chris Matthews see going all the way to the white house in 2008 . Let me ask you about Rudy

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130813

Hes also where we begin tonight. What has senator paul been up to . Senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. He has planned to visit South Carolina and nevada. Tomorrow he headlines a g. O. P. Dinner new hampshire. I know rand paul, i think hell run in 2016. What stands between the paul dynasty and 2016 . Well, ill tell you the first thing that stands between them, three bleep ing years laughter thats over 50 new iphones from now. laughter why are we talking about this election . That brings us to yet another installment of cant you at least wait until jon stewart comes back . laughter seriously this is my last week doing this its not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, its this some of them are already trying to wind it down. I predict the hard right is going to take over the Republican Party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. You watch. This is what i do for a living. Jon ooh laughter really . Because all this time i thought you were paid

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130813

Tonight. What has senator paul been up to . Senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. He has planned to visit South Carolina and nevada. Tomorrow he headlines a g. O. P. Dinner new hampshire. I know rand paul, i think hell run in 2016. What stands between the paul dynasty and 2016 . Well, ill tell you the first thing that stands between them, three bleep ing years laughter thats over 50 new iphones from now. laughter why are we talking about this election . That brings us to yet another installment of cant you at least wait until jon stewart comes back . laughter seriously this is my last week doing this its not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, its this some of them are already trying to wind it down. I predict the hard right is going to take over the Republican Party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. You watch. This is what i do for a living. Jon ooh laughter really . Because all this time i thought you were paid to spit on a camera len

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130813

I thought that was a lock. You definitely have a gambling problem. [whistles] when were done with you, mon, youre gonna be nothin but a mustache. Well, at least he didnt get me pregnant. [forced laugh] [stops laughing] [grunting] goodbye, old bear. Just so you know, im not mad at you for lying to me and breaking my heart. Steve, we both saw things in this bear that we wanted to see, but we learned from this. Yeah, i learned i dont need a father to make me a man. These past few days, i learned how to ride a bike, and i almost beat up a woman. Thats as manly as it gets. Mmm, and i learned to be more openminded. After being intimate with a bear, im almost ready to consider dating an armenian. Son, is that you . [triumphant orchestral music] oh, no, im not falling for that again. Gaah [thud] [groans] my heart. [taser buzzing] oh [breezy music] [typewriter keys clacking, bell dings] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause john welcome to the daily show my name is john oli

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130823

John its what he does for a living. laughter is he a psychic or a time traveler . Either way, we must burn him as a witch. Chris matthews doesnt just routinely have egg on his face, he has a chicken cop ago squat over his face, laying an egg between his eyes, bleep ing on that egg, punting the egg and then rubbing it all over his face. applause look, america, america, look at me. Our elections do not need to take as long as they currently do. There is another way. And the proof of that have is right under your feet through several layers across the mud, australia. Prime minister kevin rudd has put an end to weeks of speculation, hes called an election for september 7. John the whole election season is just one month long. Four weeks thats like only three new iphones from now laughter you know what that means . We need to launch our full coverage of downundercision 2013. laughter as an australian thats not a campaign, this is a campaign brought to you by koalas. Koalas, like if teddy be

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