NEW GLARUS, WI Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen’s at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. “Honestly, I’m happy knowing what these dirty blond…
OLATHE, KS Assuaging a client’s concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a pervert’s erection hitting an air duct. “In an old house…
PHILADELPHIA Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979’s Rocky II. “God, the part where Rocky’s training right-handed instead of southpaw oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits…
SAN JOSE, CA Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. “With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk…
The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.