BENTONVILLE, AR Adapting the retail outlet’s previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. “We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a…
CARMEL, IN Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn’t wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the…
THE HEAVENS Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m so sorry I know I’ve always said you were created in My image, but that’s not…
Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.
NEW YORK Violating the judge’s order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. “Given the defendant’s willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court’s instruction not to shank…