WASHINGTON According to federal officials currently monitoring the situation, the nation was rocked Tuesday by at least 40 million acts of total bullshit in what has now been confirmed as the most aggravating 24-hour span of time in U.S. history. “Today, Americans have experienced an unprecedented amount of incredibly stupid shit the likes have which no previous generation has ever seen,” said Justice Department spokesperson Edwin Miles, adding that U.S. residents were understandably infuriated by the unending avalanche of shit that began cascading down upon them this morning and has included parking tickets, dropped cellphone signals, mosquito bites, traffic, toe-stubbings, and encounters with inconsiderate assholes who can seriously just fuck off. “In recent decades, the United States has witnessed a steady increase in the number of days each year filled with a bunch of crap you would honestly not even believe. But the complete bullshit pissing people off right now has shattere
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What it’s about: Fudge! For a long stretch of movie history, profanity was banned by the Hays Code, so it wasn’t until 1970 that
M A S H became the first (non-pornographic) American film to use the word “fuck.” Even then, the word was considered taboo and used sparingly. But here in the 21st century, we say whatever the fuck we want, and Wikipedia lists 138 movies that use the F-word 150 times or more (and tracks “fucks per minute,” ranging from .92 to ten times that amount (in fairness, that 9.2 score comes from
Fuck, a documentary about the word itself and its place in the culture).
Report: Your Father Probably Out With One Of His Whores Tonight
METHUEN, MA Adding credence to the longstanding supposition that your dad is a selfish piece of shit, a new report released Tuesday found that your father was probably out with one of his whores tonight. “There’s no doubt that that son-of-a-bitch is painting the town red with one of his little floozies right this second,” read the report in part, suggesting a strong probability that the man who bore you was out late sticking it to some goddamn trollop without a care in the world as to what his loving family would think. “He could be knocking boots with that slut receptionist from his office, or getting a tugjob in his car from some disgusting cocktail waitress or, Hell, he could be lying face down in a ditch, and frankly, we’d all be a lot better off.” The report concluded by noting the high likelihood that you were going to grow up to be exactly like that asshole.