United states today. This is what he tweeted this afternoon. This will give you a sense of whats going on. I just got impeached for making a perfect phone call i only wish i could have been there when he pounded that out. When he mashed those stumpy pink little thumbs into his phone like he was killing little bugs or something. This is by the way is what hes tweeting before the trial starts. I think we have a lot to look forward to. The impeachment trial starts tuesday. And there are specific rules for how this will go. Last time it happened no one had phones. This time senators will not be allowed to use their phones during the trial. And they will have to stand when they cast votes which as bill deal. For a lot of these senators this will be the first time theyve ever stood for anything. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy today it all began thank you. Chief Justice John Roberts was sworn in today by the Senate President pro tem, who did not make me feel optimistic about the r
My plan is to move to newfoundland to become mayor of a small but fascinating town. The people of have a new neighbor. One of the oldest motorcycle clubs in the country. And the Small Community making a big statement about plastic bags. These stories plus dildos ready for jimmy kimmel if jimmy kimmel is ready for dildo. Yes, he is. Hes never been more ready for dildo. Right, guillermo . Oh, right, guillermos not here because guillermo is in dildo. Hes leading my advance team. And word on the street in dildo is theres a lot of excitement for his visit. Any sign of guillermo yet . Well, caroline, not yet. Were still waiting around to see. But everyones eyes are peeled for guillermo and thats what everyones talking about too. Theyre wondering where he is, when hes going to arrive. Jimmy thats pretty much what we wonder every day here at work. [ laughter ] its like a tropical storm. Anyway, minutes from now we will check in with guillermo, who is in dil we want to hear all about his first
Times a year to check out the smoke alarm in the greenroom. Also, jim gaffigan and dave salmony is here. He brought a menagerie of creatures, including a striped skunk. I think its a skunk, either that, or im smelling snoops dressing room. He also brought what is called a great alligator turtle. I googled it. It should be fighting mothra in japan. Theres dave right there. Hey, dave, whats this animal . This is a finnic fox whose name is bob. Jimmy bob the fox. Does he know how many Instagram Likes he could get . Anything cute like this, he gets lots of likes. Jimmy thats dave salmony. You know, President Trump took a field trip to bask in the glow of workers at a petrochemicals plant. He was there to talk energy. And of course immediately steered the conversation from energy to himself. And we make a lot of jokes about this president , but its important to remember just how much hes sacrificed for the good of us. This thing is costing me a fortune being president. Somebody said oh, he
Theyre a band of boys from south korea. Theyre very popular. Some people have been camping out for five days, which is sad, really, more than anything. Its because they showed up last night, theyd still be in the front row. Theres no need, but anyway, monsta x is a super popular group. The names, im sorry if i mispronounce. Show hh the larrys not one of the guys. One of the things about this band, they wear a lot of makeup. We thought it would be fun to ask the guys to do an monsta x extreme makeover on a member of our staff. So we picked a member randomly of our staff. And they gathered around, and wow, wait until you see how quickly they did this. Its almost some kind of tv magic. Now here he is. Come on in, guillermo, lets see how you look. [cheers and applause] jimmy you look fantastic. [cheers and applause] jimmy you look like a female, you remember when bugs bunny would dress as a woman . Yeah. Jimmy and elmer fudd would try to have sex with him . Thats you. My god. Jimmy speakin
Times a year to check out the smoke alarm in the greenroom. Also, jim gaffigan and dave salmoni is here. He brought a menagerie of creatures, including a striped skunk. I think its a skunk, eith that, or im smelling snoops dressing room. He also brought what is called a alligator turtle. I googled it. It should be fighting mothra in japan. Theres dave right there. Hey, dave, whats this animal . This is a fennec fox whose name is bob. Jimmy bob the fox. Does he know how many Instagram Likes he could get . Anything cute like this, he gets lots of likes. Jimmy thats dave salmoni. You know, President Trump took a field trip to bask in the glow of workers at a petrochemicals plant. He was there to talk energy. And of course immediately steered the conversation from energy to himself. And we make a lot of jokes about this president , but its important to remember just how much hes sacrificed for the good of us. This thing is costing me a fortune being president. Somebody said oh, he might ha