But the reality is, some of us dont even get a look at the basket. Because theres nothing more expensive. Than being broke. Wow. That was beautiful. Hmm. Sometimes in court, i actually learn something, feel something. Today is one of those days. 60 days in jail, sentence suspended based on time served. Go home. But i had a clean record. I dont care. But i do, your honor. [ crowd gasping ] before you render judgment, i have one thing i have to say. Nay, two things. Firstly, i bested adam bethune in a tennis match. Take that, Bethune Bethune the buffoon mr. Gayle . If yall knew him, yall would be dying right now. Secondly, my former client inspired me with his words earlier today that were, my life is on the line, homey i aint say no shit like that. It was something in that vein. Heres the point. It reminded me of a previous case where someone elses life was on the line colby v. Hughes. Oh, jesus. Thats right. Prosecution failed to introduce the actual tickets into evidence. The case should be dismissed. Case dismissed. Whoohoo ron harper. My man my man you got a clean record, my man. You shaped up. Thank you. He could have text that to me three hours ago. You hear what im saying . Walking in here looking like john blackenroe. Youre wrong, man. Youre wrong, dude. The planetarium is so not worth the price of admission anymore. Think about it. Hey, you know i won that repooff, right . Man, you didnt win shit. Ah, yeah, yes, i did. Seriously. Dont be late for work. Iii was born on the south side south side male announcer from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york. The daily show with trevor noah presents [boisterous trap music] crazy rich nation. Robert kraft. Last month, the billionaire new England Patriots owner was charged with paying for hand jobs at a florida massage parlor. Well today, he mightve gotten his happy ending. Just in, an offer is now on the table for new England Patriots owner robert kraft, who is charged with two counts of solicitation in connection with a south florida day spa. Prosecutors have offered to drop those charges if kraft admits he wouldve been found guilty at trial. This would also include some punishment. It would include 100 hours of community service, an Education Course about prostitution, and a screening for stds. [laughter] a screening for stds . Like, what is all of this . Rich people get deals that ive never heard of. Admit you would have been found guilty and well let you go . [bleep] outta here, man [laughter] at least make him admit it in a room full of eagles fans, then well see some punishment, you know . This is insane well only let you go if youre guilty what . Like, rich people are already living in another world. And also, he has to take an Education Course about prostitution . [laughter] uh, if youve read the reports, he should be the professor, okay . [laughter] the guy has handson experience, if you know what i mean. The College Admissions scandal. For the past few weeks, the whole country has been rocked by the news that hundreds of parents have been accused of bribing their kids way into americas elite colleges, and also usc. And now [audience groans and laughs] and now, some of the people involved are beginning to face the consequences. Breaking news a Major College scandal. The feds bust up a largescale scheme helping students cheat on their College Entrance exams to get into top schools. Two of those parents accused are actresses Felicity Huffman and lori loughlin. Both have been charged with felonies for conspiracy to commit mail fraud. Holy crap. This is insane the fbi has just busted dozens of rich parents for bribing colleges to accept their kids. And not just any rich people, some celebrities. Im so disappointed in you, aunt becky. [laughter] i mean, i expected this from a desperate housewife, but you . [laughter] now, details of the scandal are still coming in, but already, some of the allegations are mindblowing, all right . Felicity huffman allegedly paid 15,000 to help her daughter get in to top schools. And aunt becky, get this, allegedly paid 500,000 to get her daughter into usc. Honestly, for that amount of money, just buy a smarter kid. [laughter] now, the alleged mastermind of this entire scheme is a man named william singer, all right . Parents paid him millions of dollars and then he spread those bribes around. According to prosecutors, the scheme involved two kinds of fraud. Parents paying a college prep organization to help their children cheat on sat or act exams, and others paying to allegedly bribe College Coaches to help admit the students as athletes regardless of their athletic skill. Singer went as far as to photoshop kids pictures into sporting events, even made up athletic achievements. In one instance, a parent sending this photo showing their daughter playing water polo in high school, but in fact the photo was another student. Oowee the balls on these people [laughter] to just literally photoshop their kids faces onto the bodies of real athletes. And i also cant believe nobody noticed this. cause the parent was just there, like, were so proud of our little joshua. He is, like, here is during the state championship game. [laughter] and here he is in the spring when he won the gold medal at the track meet. [laughter] so, reportedlyreportedly, these College Coaches would take bribes to pretend that they needed these nonathletes on their teams, and then once the kids got into the school, the kids would just never play. A wiretapped transcript details a father and singer creating a plan to trick usc into thinking his son was a football kicker. The father, laughing, telling singer, thats just totally hilarious, admitting his sons high school doesnt have a football team. The fbi says some parents disguised their payments to singer as contributions to a charity he ran so they could deduct the payments on their income taxes. Wow. Wow. [audience groans] so not only were they laughing about scamming these schools; it turns out they were also scamming the irs. How greedy can a person be . cause, i mean, theyre already committing bribery, and then on top of that, they claim it was to charity to get their bribes back from the irs . Like, they just added a bonus crime to the crime that they already committed. That was not necessary. Its like youre robbing a bank and on the way out, you start stealing the pens. While im here. [laughter] meh so these parents could be facing some pretty serious time. Um, knowing them, theyre probably trying to bribe their way into the best prisons, you know . Theyre probably like, why should you accept me into your prison . Well, i actually ran the library at shawshank. Heres a photo of me. [laughter] doing that, so, uh. [applause] i think you should let me in. [applause] obviously, obviously, im joking. None of these rich people are actually gonna go to prison. Come on. No, im being serious. At worst, theyre probably gonna get community service. Yeah, like, theyll have to pick up trash in beverly hills, and be like, oh, another 100 bill on the ground. Baha. So dirty. This whole College Admissions scandal has brought up a wider conversation about a couple of things. For instance, whats going to happen to fuller house without aunt becky, you know . Personally, i dont think they need her, because if you ask me, that house was already too full. E news is also reporting that she thought prosecutors were bluffing about jail time when she and her husband turned down the initial offer. You cant be serious. [laughter] aunt becky turned down a plea deal because she thought the prosecutors were bluffing . You see, thats what happens when youre in hollywood for too long, all right . You just assume everyone around you is also acting, yeah . Shes just like, wow, these prison bars feel so real now for this beatdown scene, are we using a stunt double . Is thats whats gonna happen . A first of 33 parents charged in the massive College Admission scandal is preparing to plead guilty. California entrepreneur Peter Jan Sartorio made the revelation in a court filing yesterday. That came as actresses Felicity Huffman and lori loughlin, along with ten other parents, appeared before a judge in boston yesterday. When she arrived in boston tuesday, the full house star was seen signing autographs for fans. Lori, lori, lori pay for my tuition, lori [laughter] [applause] oh, wow. Thats priceless and, you know, were laughing, but thats actually a great idea, right . No, because, lets be honest. Prisons are already full. Instead of prison, their punishment should be that they have to pay tuition for everyone. Thats it. Theyve got the money. [cheers and applause] lets just do that. And also. Why is aunt becky signing autographs at court . What are you doing . If i was the prosecutor i would be like, oh my god, aunt becky, can you sign this . Aha, a confession i got her, i got her male announcer crazy rich nation. What shes zip lining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. But youre too busy gazingr at double the beef, and double the layers you love. Maybe next decade. The 5 triple double crunchwrap box. Only at taco bell ooohhhh boots up as fast as 6 seconds when youre running late . At whispers its switching time or how about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours . Order up now were cooking. Or how about one with virus protection built in . Which. Would be helpful. Right. About. Now. Yeah, if you want all that, switch to chromebook. And these new highrise slim straights are it. 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But i talked to my doctor about doing more. He said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. She also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. And it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. You must be hivnegative to take truvada for prep. So you need to get tested for hiv immediately before, and at least every 3 months while taking, truvada. If you think you were exposed to hiv or have flulike symptoms, tell your doctor right away. They may do more tests to confirm you are still hivnegative. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, kidney failure, and bone problems, which may lead to fractures. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Tell your doctor about all the medicines you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney, bone, or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking truvada without talking to your doctor. Common side effects include stomach pain, headache, and weight loss. Ask your doctor about your risk of getting hiv and if truvada for prep may be right for you. I wanted to do more. Thats why im on that pill. Truvada for prep. Eligible patients may pay as little as a zero dollar copay. Find out more at truvada. Com. Coronas first alcohol spiked refresher. Introducing corona refresca. In passionfruit lime, guava lime and coconut lime. Its the taste of the tropics. [upbeat music] male announcer crazy rich nation. [crowd ohhs] [laughs] [laughter and applause] oh, man. Jussie smollett. A month ago, few people knew who he was. If you heard Jussie Smollett, you were either talking to a huge fan of the show empire, or you overheard a drunk guy trying to order an omelette. What will you be having, sir . Just a smollette with extra ham. [laughter] but now, the whole world knows jussies name, and its for all the wrong reasons. Empire Actor Jussie Smollett is in Police Custody after turning himself in overnight. He is accused of faking a hate crime after his story of being attacked by racists fell to pieces. Smollett has been charged with Disorderly Conduct for filing a false police report, which is a felony in the state of illinois. Police say smollett planned this attack because he was allegedly upset by how much he was being paid by the show empire. Are you kidding me . This dude may have faked a hate crime just to get a raise . I dont understand. Like, whats the logic there . You get your ass beat, and then you go to your boss and be like, hey can i get another Million Dollars . I need to buy some bandaids. What was the thinking . That is not a good way to get a raise, people. I mean, call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to just going into your bosss office, and blackmailing him with nudes . Okay . [laughter] this is such a petty reason to pull off such a major crime. Imagine if we found out the reason tupac faked his own death was just to get out of a blockbuster late fee. That would be insane we know that didnt happen. What really happened was tupac was murdered by blockbuster because he didnt return forrest gump. Those guys didnt mess around so Chicago Police have put together a story of what they believe really happened. And theyre confident enough to charge smollett. And the reason theyre confident enough to charge him is because it looks like jussie and the brothers who reportedly fake the attack with him left no shortage of incriminating evidence. Police say they tracked these two brothers down via the ride share car service that they used. We know that the police have the cell phones of the young men. There were conversations between smollett and these two nigerian americans an hour before the attack, an hour after the attack, and when they traveled to nigeria. Police say smollett paid the brothers a total of 3,500 via check and then promised a 500 followup. Theyre saying he paid his accomplices with a check . [laughter] what, did he also write fake hate crime in the memo . [laughter] even amateurs know if you commit a crime, you go all cash, people, no paper trail youve never seen a movie where the bad guys are like, i need you to get rid of someone for me. Now, who do i make this check out to . Is that knuckles with a k . Ah, crap, i gotta start again, i keep writing 2018 on all my murder checks. [groans angrily] so if he did do this, smollett did a horrible job with this fake crime. In fact, the Chicago Police also claimed today that smollett wanted his hate crime to be caught on camera. But it turns out, that didnt go right either. Police say they went over security video from dozens of pod cameras, but the staged attack itself was never captured by a rotating security camera. I believe that mr. Smollett wanted it on camera, but unfortunately, that particular camera wasnt pointed in that direction. [laughter] youve gotta be shitting me. He wanted to be caught, but he didnt get caught on camera because he didnt know which way the camera was pointing . Youre an actor. Thats your only job your only job [cheers and applause] how do you not know . Now im starting to think that jussie was probably on the set of empire like, what do you mean my father doesnt oh, sorry. Sorry. Where is it . What do you mean . Dont you tell me about cookie i think we got this. Can i get a raise . Can i get a raise now . So jussie is potentially going to prison for a while, and in his wake, hes screwed over everyone. Think about it. Members of the Gay Community are emotionally terrorized over something that turned out to be a hoax. Trump supporters are upset about being falsely accused. And democrat candidates Democratic Candidates are tying themselves into knots trying to walk back their initial statements calling this a modern day lynching. Nobody won in this thing. I mean, the only winner here, really, is subway. No, because before this story, i didnt know they were open at 2 00 a. M. Did you guys know that . I didnt know that. I genuinely didnt know that. [cheers and applause] the point is nobody won. But there is a silver lining. When this started out, it was a story about people who hated Jussie Smollett because he was black and gay. Now, people hate him because hes an asshole. [laughter] in other words, theyre judging him on the content of his character, and not the color of his skin. And that, my friends, is progress. Well be right back. Announcer crazy rich nation. Ooohhhh Jon Hernandez found imhis own path. Through a field of smoke. When wildfires threatened communities. Jon jumped into danger. Fighting through fear and fatigue. Until the fire was contained. Jon found his fighting spirit in one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. A job few are willing to do. Since 1925 weve proved that it doesnt matter where you come from, it matters what youre made of. Modelo. Brewed for those with a fighting spirit. [upbeat music] male announcer crazy rich nation. [boisterous trap music] socialism. Its starting to get more popular in america, and its making fox news more afraid than mike pence at a screening of bohemian rhapsody. The rise of socialism has never been more clear. Now you have aoc and you have a hundred of these members of congress openly embracing this. Socialism is not only dangerous, but it is also evil. This green new deal, this is sugarcoated socialism. Its like sugarcoating poison. Sweet at the front, deadly at the end. Ooh, sweet at the front, deadly at the end you talking about socialism or willy wonkas Chocolate Factory . What are you talking about . [laughter] yeah, uh, that was deadly at the end. You know how many kids died . We dont talk about that. That is not a childrens story, its a horror movie with fun music [laughter] for more on the rise of socialism in america, we turn to a man who always makes me pay for dinner, my friend, neal brennan, everybody [cheers and applause] hey buddy, we should grab dinner soon. No thanks. So neal, um, whos responsible for socialisms popularity right now . Is it Bernie Sanders . Uh, is it Elizabeth Warren, ocasiocortez . Mmm, no. Ill tell you whos responsible. Rich people. Rich people have done more for socialism than bernie, aoc, and Elizabeth Warren combined. Which, by the way, would be a very unpleasantlooking person. [laughter] [screams] take that away, take that away uh, okay, but neal, i dont understand. How can rich people be responsible for socialism if they hate it . Because they keep rubbing their money in peoples faces, with their tax dodging and wealth flaunting and financial corruption. When it comes to socialism, i dont blame uncle bernie, i blame aunt becky. [laughter] it wasnt enough that shes a tv star and married to a millionaire, she still had to scam her daughters way into college. You had everything, why cheat . Its like if the hulk got caught doing steroids. [laughter] for what . Hulk, no. [laughter] steroids redundant. Also, hulk balls shrink. [laughter] mrs. Hulk no happy. [laughter] so when people see that admissions scandal, and then bernie comes along and says, we should tax the rich and make college free, i get why americans would think, yeah, college should be free. I agree with white yoda. [laughter] so you think socialism is just a natural reaction to capitalism thats run amok. Its basically, like, putting up speed bumps because people are driving too fast. Yup. Because rich people are out here tokyo driftin with their dicks out. [laughter] look at amazon they wanted a new home for their corporate headquarters, so jeff bezos made cities audition for him like a spoiled king. Pittsburgh, entertain me. [laughter] birmingham, my feet are sore. Rub them. [laughter] cute, but im going with new york. And amazon picked new york partly because new york offered them 3 billion. So if more new yorkers are going socialist, dont blame aoc, blame jeff bezos. Hes worth 144 billion. You know how rich that is . Even if you started earning 50 million a year, guess how long it would take for you to reach jeff bezos level. 2,880 years. Now imagine being that rich and still being like, yah, ill come to your city, but youve gotta give me money. [laughter] sweet lord, that is super rich. I know. To get that money, lebron would have to stay on the lakers until the year 4899. [laughter] and they probably still wont make the playoffs. [audience laughs and groans] the knicks wont either. [laughter] by the way, having super rich people in charge doesnt help, either. Last week, our billionaire president proposed cuts to medicaid, the program that gives Health Insurance to the poor. This is a guy who can afford the best doctors in the world and he still wants to take Health Care Away from poor people. My god, the assholery. [laughter] its not enough youre already in the vip section sipping cristal, you also want to walk around the club slapping bud lights out of other peoples hands. [laughter] and yes, bud light is the medicaid of beers. [laughter] dilly dilly. [laughter] so when people see budget cuts like that, then hear Elizabeth Warren pitching medicare for all, you cant be shocked when 57 of them are like, yeah, im with senator librarian on this. [cheers and applause] because the best salesmen for socialism arent the leftie politicians, its the ultrawealthy. Forget che guevara, we should put the real heroes of socialism on tshirts rich dicks. Neal brennan, everyone male announcer crazy rich nation. Were jack daniels. The oldest, realest, loudest, quietest, friendliest, lonesomest, proudest, mellowest, least likely to give up on a good tradition, most likely to make it how we make it whiskiest whiskey from lynchburg, tennessee. Whiskiest whiskey frustrated that everyday activities cause wrinkles and theres nothing you can do about it . Downy wrinkleguard is a fabric conditioner that helps protect you from wrinkles all day. Pants washed with downy wrinkleguard and detergent are virtually wrinkle free. Try downy wrinkleguard. Ooohhhh romance isnt dead but it is here. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Boom goes the dynamite, club yoko plays ] feels like im taking flight. [sfx poof] [sfx squeaking eraser sound effect. ] i am who i wanna be who i wanna be who i wanna be. Im a strong individual feeling that power im so original, ya sing it louder. I am, oooh oooh oooh oooh Ehhh Ehhh Ehhh ehhh preorder and get more. Get up to 150 samsung credit, plus 6 months of Unlimited Music with spotify premium. Coronas first alcohol spiked refresher. Introducing corona refresca. In passionfruit lime, guava lime and coconut lime. Its the taste of the tropics. Give extra, get extra with new extra refreshers gum. [upbeat music] male announcer crazy rich nation. [boisterous trap music] theres a new report tonight that President Trump may have lied his way onto Forbes Magazine annual list of richest americans back in the 1980s. Trump first made the list in 1982 with a reported net worth of 100 million, but the documents later proved he was only worth 5 million. He lied about how many apartments the Trump Organization owned, how much the units were worth, and that trump, not his father, owned the apartments. Thats right, all the way back in 1982, trump apparently got onto the first forbes list by lying about his net worth and claiming that the stuff that his dad owned was actually his. But it turns out that trumps lie may have gotten him a whole lot more than just some flattering press. Because donald never had an actual statement of his assets and his liabilities. He used the forbes 400 and this statement of inflated assets to borrow billions and billions of dollars which he used to build Atlantic City and overleverage himself. Youre saying he wanted to use the forbes list to fraudulently induce people to fund him in ways they otherwise would not . Thats correct. Okay, i dont know about you, but this is mindblowing. Trump lied to get onto the forbes list. Then the forbes list cemented him as a mogul, and then he used his mogul status to get to the white house. Because remember, his Success Story wasnt just a minor detail of who he was, it was the very heart of his campaign. Forbes just came out and they said im worth 4 1 2 or 5 billion. Im really rich. Im not even saying that, in a brag thats the kind of mindset, thats the kind of thinking you need for this. Country. So look, im im really a good businessman, im so good at business. Oh, you people are gonna be so rich so fast, you dont even. [applause] you dont know how rich youre gonna be. [laughter] youre gonna go from a debtor nation and its gonna. [imitates rocket] youre gonna say, wow, what happened . You know, in retrospect, i feel like we shouldve asked what [imitates rocket] means. [laughter] cause, like, huh, turns out [imitates rocket] was a muslim ban, who wouldve thought . Yeah, i didnt know, i didnt know. If i was a trump supporter, i would be so pissed, because i voted for a rich guy who was always successful, not some trickster who lied his way onto the forbes list. Like, if i find out hes not racist, i will be so mad [laughter] so mad male announcer crazy rich nation. Im going down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly Faces everywhere humble folks without temptation going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ample parking day or night people spouting howdy, neighbor headin up to south park, gonna see if i cant unwind [muffled singing] come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine