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Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130918

He, uh he didnt come. Wow. [sniffs] i guess he really doesnt care about me. [sniffs] but i do. Ive loved you since the first moment i saw you. [grunts] nooo woody oh, so hes malloy, the talking bear 12 on ebay. Well, you saved me. You saved my life, malloy. I knew you cared about me shut up before i drop you. What was i thinking . I dont know how to thank you, little buddy. And all you rangers, thank you for always being there for me. I [eerie humming] the ship its real i couldve been on that ship theyre partying on there wait, is that astral . Isis she blowing that guy . And hes eating jumbo shrimp . Jumbo shrimp they got jumbo shrimp damn it wait come back i will never forgive you, malloy as long as i [gasps] [cries] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central cheers and applause [cheers and applause] im jon stewart. We put a show together for you tonight. One of our favorites is going to be joining us from the movie prisoners, Jake Gyllenhaal will be joining us. [cheers and applause] he

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130918

Im jon stewart. We put a show together for you tonight. One of our favorites is going to be joining us from the movie prisoners, Jake Gyllenhaal will be joining us. [cheers and applause] he has the beard that im missing. [laughter] whoa is friend. So in the absence of breaking news, cable news channels rely on a variety of one tactic, to hold the viewers attention, concise informative reporting. [laughter] its actually this. Can i finish no you wanted me you are lying. Im not lying. Dont call me a liar. Go back to 1996. Yes, i am. Do you know what i think,. Let me finish. You want to know what american [laughter] jon now now now good simultaneous points everybody. But that took so long to watch. Can we still cable news down to its crunchy center. [laughter] jon when i said lets have a baboon, thats amazing. [laughter] i didnt think we could find that. [laughter] wow. We have the best Research Staff in the country. [laughter] but of course thats just 24 hour cable. Still slow news they

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130918

Prisoners, Jake Gyllenhaal will be joining us. [cheers and applause] he has the beard that im missing. [laughter] whoa is friend. So in the absence of breaking news, cable news channels rely on a variety of one tactic, to hold the viewers attention, concise informative reporting. [laughter] its actually this. Can i finish no you wanted me you are lying. Im not lying. Dont call me a liar. Go back to 1996. Yes, i am. Do you know what i think,. Let me finish. You want to know what american [laughter] jon now now now good simultaneous points everybody. But that took so long to watch. Can we still cable news down to its crunchy center. [laughter] jon when i said lets have a baboon, thats amazing. [laughter] i didnt think we could find that. [laughter] wow. We have the best Research Staff in the country. [laughter] but of course thats just 24 hour cable. Still slow news they conflict chum. Its what cable news channels do while waiting for events that truly justify their existence, urgent sou

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130924

Concise informative reporting. [laughter] its actually this. Can i finish no you wanted me you are lying. Im not lying. Dont call me a liar. Go back to 1996. Yes, i am. Do you know what i think,. Let me finish. You want to know what american [laughter] jon now now now good simultaneous points everybody. But that took so long to watch. Can we still cable news down to its crunchy center. [laughter] jon when i said lets have a baboon, thats amazing. [laughter] i didnt think we could find that. [laughter] wow. We have the best Research Staff in the country. [laughter] but of course thats just 24 hour cable. Still slow news they conflict chum. Its what cable news channels do while waiting for events that truly justify their existence, urgent soul crushing breaking news like mass shooting. The kind that happens all too frequently in this pathologically unable to try and stop them country. Its times like these we require the type of context and clarity that only these noble dormant cable gian

Transcripts For COM The Daily Show With Jon Stewart 20130919

Sources gathering more information. Mike brooks do you know the answer to that question. How large is this building. All right. Lets go to todd sperry, are you on the line. Todd sperry. Yes, i am here. Todd, tell us how large this building is, do you know. Jon can someone tell her how [bleep] the building is. Can someone just tell her how [bleep] the building is, someone please. Were not going to get to move forward until we know how long this building is. Were in square hole worm territory here. And then inevitably blirts. Th blitzer. The tack that this is described as one in a black top black jeans what does that say if anything about a possible motive or whatever. Can we begin to draw any initial conclusion . [laughter] what is the black top and black jeans say about possible motive. I dont know, why dont you ask your best colleague. [crowd cheering] perhaps the worst part of the blitzer reportage using phrases like. We begin to draw initial conclusions. Thats semantic word for sayi

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