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President trump, today, instructed the state department to develop a plan to relocate the us embassy from tel aviv to jerusalem. And melania has developed a plan to relocate herself from d. C. Back to new york. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] towards the end of the speech on israel today, President Trump began to slur his words leading some to speculate that he make have been wearing dentures. But the white house insists that its nothing unusual and that most of his words are slurs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] here, take a look. I asked the leaders of the region, political and religious. Israeli and palestinian. Jewish and christian and muslim to join us in the nobel quest for lasting peace. Thank you. God bless you. God bless israel. God bless the palestinians and god bless the united states. Thank you very much. [ laughter and applause ] seth i cant believe both our first and our last president had fake teeth. [ l ....
I go to her, hey, do you want a doughnut . She goes, oh, im not really hungry right now. I was like, thats not how doughnuts work. [ laughter ] what, are you going to wait until your stomach growls . Nobody does that. This is america. You eat until your heart gives out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i punished my daughter a few weeks ago. I took her phone away for three days because she was being mean to siri. [ laughter ] and the transformation in her was unbelievable. Like, yes, the first day she just laid on the floor crying, but once she got over the shakes, she [ laughter ] she got up, she looked around, she started liking things in real life. She doubletapped the dog. [ laughter ] she was like, mom, lets go to the park. Mom, lets go to the library. Mom, lets play in the creek, but i just gave her her phone back. [ laughter ] [ applause ] so, im married, and this is the sadder part of the show. [ laughter ] i wish somebody had told me before i got married how much yelling i ....
According to a reports, President Trump will release his 1. 5 trillion infrastructure plan on monday. Apparently, he wants to take the weekend to practice saying infrastructure. [ light laughter ] infinpuncture [ light laughter ] instadenture ill get it, ill have it. Ill have it by monday. President trump said yesterday it was treasonous that democrats didnt clap during his recent state of the union address. I dont think it was that bad, said melania. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] seth white house chief of staff john kelley said today that some undocumented immigrants who are eligible for the Daca Immigration Program were quote too lazy to get off their asses and sign up. You tell them john, said his boss between cheeseburger naps. [ light laughter ] the Dow Jones Industrial average dropped ....